Saturday, March 10, 2007

Some More Reasons I am Jeremy Crow After All - Volume 8

What was the last thing that went through the mind of that elephant trainer who was dealing with the constipated elephant a few years back I wonder? For those who don’t know the story it was about a man that was in charge of the elephants at the zoo in Thailand who had one that was so constipated that the whole country was worried about it. The elephant being one of the most sacred animals over there, it became a national tragedy as a matter of fact, and his own job was on the line to get the elephant healthy again because it had stopped eating and everything. Like a good man he loaded the elephant up with laxatives and oiled it’s ass up really good for days, until finally one day when he was curious he opened the elephants ass to find that there was a blockage and over 600 pounds of elephant shit came out completely covering him. When they found him a week later inside of the pile of elephant shit he received the coveted Darwin Award that is given out to people who die doing moronic things.

I don’t know why but for some reason that really came to me as I just thought, “What was the last thing that he was thinking before he died?” which came from my own self pity that I often find myself buried beneath a pile of shit. It did actually get me out of it though as the first few obvious answers came to mind like, *using muffled voice* “Help I’m trapped in shit! Call the Ty-D-Bol guy and bring a bigger boat!!” and “Holy Shit Literally!” amongst other things. It’s pretty sad that I can sit here and laugh at a human being that died doing his job, despite the circumstances. Don’t get me wrong either, because I am still going to when I get down off my soap box as well because unfortunately that actually is human nature. It always translates differently depending who you are though, for take this instance.

A couple of doctors decide that they are going ice fishing. Now we all have our stereotypes about certain sets of people, and what they really should or should not do because we are again human. I have always found men that are upper class but do the “huntin’ and fishin’ thang” once in a while to be rather humorous. If they don’t like any professional sports then it would also make them pathetic, but I don’t know the answer to that, but what I do know is that they should have never decided that they wanted to be manly men for a day through the evidence I do know. Now like most ice fishermen they drove their brand new 38,000 dollar Jeep Grand Cherokee that the first payment had never even been made on out into the center of the ice. I am not much into fishing but I am assuming that that is what you all do when you go ice fishing. They then decided that they needed to make a hole in the ice so they did what I assume all ice fisherman do, and break out the dynamite. Well I can see I better start a new paragraph because this is about to get good huh?

Now I am assuming that these two were drunk because I can think of a lot of stories that I hear at the AA meetings that start this way, they decided to throw the dynamite far away from them, and probably cracked open another beer, but the problem is that they forgot about something that again. That would be the perfectly trained hunting dog that they bought because all “manly men” need one of those. Now the perfectly trained hunting dog went running off and grabbed the stick of dynamite and started running it back to them. Panic ensued in the two drunken doctors who then started running away from the dog and realized that he now thought it was a game. One of the geniuses then decided that the best plan of operation was to take the shotgun off of his back {filled with bird shot} that you obviously need when you are manly and ice fishing, and start shooting the dog. This doesn’t do you much good with bird shot as all it did was make the dog terrified so he ran and hid under the jeep with the dynamite. BOOM!!!! What was left of the Jeep ended up at the bottom of the lake, and the insurance company told the morons that they have to pay for the Jeep because {surprise surprise} playing with dynamite while ice fishing was not on their policy. They should have upgraded to the better policy I assume.

I thought that story was funny for a long time until someone I told it to the other day actually got really upset because the dog died. Now the sad part of all this is that that had never occurred to me. I realize that we often take a lot of these things for granted, and not once did that fact cross my mind. It was actually my oldest daughter that was rather upset about that, and I hate to actually give her credit for opening my eyes on that one for a little while, of course in a week or so when I get over that I will be telling that story again with the same bravado that I had for the few years since I heard it, and I am sure that in a few weeks she will be telling that story to her friends as well. It actually doesn’t make me or her a bad person it just makes us normal members of the human race that have taken a lot of things for granted as time goes on. It’s like that old story about how you never remember any of the nice people that you have met in your life, but you always remember every cock sucking asshole you have ever met vividly. I know I bring that up a lot, but I am thinking now that maybe I can just die by doing something incredibly moronic for my immortality, rather than be a total prick like the people I still can’t seem to forget myself. Hell maybe they’ll know my name in Thailand. ;8o)

Please feel free to add any of your own thoughts on what that guys last thoughts were below … might as well, I’ve already brought it up ;-)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} Mental Rants & Political Rage {For Those That Like His Political Rantings} Mental Imagry & Random Perversion {Adult Stories .. Assume they are rated X} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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