Friday, March 16, 2007

Some More Reasons I am Jeremy Crow After All - Volume 9

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I was trapped in work today because of a lot of “upper management” style “ooopses” as in not checking the schedules for the various incoming and outgoing shipments. By the time 9am rolled around I had already received shipments then I had all of the rest of the week combined, and by the time I had left I had shipped more than the last two weeks combined. It was rather sad as it interfered with my ability to eavesdrop and commit some sort of pranks on the people that I work with. It’s been a horribly dull week for the most part because the weather has been nice so people could go outside and avoid each other, and that doesn’t make well for the usual drama quotient that I need for my writing. At the end of the day I was just happy to see that it was another week over.

On my way out the door though, the owner of the company was standing outside with my boss, and the plant manager talking about the usual things that assholes talk about when they are congregating. I happened to overhear them talking about golf and decided just for the sake of chaos that I had to go and interject in the conversation. Now I do actually get along with my boss, and the plant manager because they are rather ordinary guys, and we have had the opportunity to talk about normal male things in the past like football, food that makes us fart louder, what we would do to such and such in a dark room, what we really did with such and such because we were too drunk {yeah I have to go way back for those stories, but what do they know} and they tend to be pretty used to how amazingly random I can be. The owner of the company on the other hand doesn’t know me from dirt and quite frankly I think he is one of the strangest people I have ever come in contact with.

I don’t just say this offhandedly either as I am the person who actually cleans his office, and he does some of the most Einsteinianly fucked up things I have ever witnessed first hand. Everyone tells me that the man is a genius, and I know for a fact that he actually has over 100 patents on different things that are in his name, but like most geniuses he can be the most reality disaffiliated people out there. I usually find 50$ bills in his trash can, and have made it a point to search his trash before I dump it in the big bin. Actually on second thought maybe my sanity level isn’t all there, but his office is the only place that Missy won’t go in the whole Pink Mafia HQ so that should tell you something. There have been a rash of break-ins {or so they think, but we all know that I probably have a much more interesting answer to that} that forces everyone in the place to lock their doors at night, but not this guy. Oh hell no, he not only leaves his door wide open, but he leaves credit cards, laptop computers, dvd players all in plain sight if you were just walking by his open door. Sooner or later “He’s concerned with engineering things, and can’t be bothered with remembering things like locking his door or putting away valuable … um … or not putting large amounts of cash in the trash” starts to sound like a cookoo clock.

Fortunately for all involved, I actually bring a full six pack, all the dwarves in the Disney Movie, and all the fries in the Happy Meal with me, and can still look crazier than anyone. I have no problem with simply butting into the conversation about how the Canadian Geese are getting worse than the Seagulls on the golf course, and the woes of having to bring business associates out there. Oh heavens no! I subscribe to the fact that now the Richie Riches on their stupid golf courses are suffering from what the little people like I have had to suffer through on my Hard Hat courses for years, and that is idiots that feed these things. Nothing turns an Canadian Goose into an American Goose faster than feeding the thing, and then surprise surprise, THEY NEVER LEAVE, and worse yet they make MORE! They are also a protected bird like seagulls so they tend to do whatever the hell they want, and that includes attacking you for your French fries, and standing in the middle of the fairways looking at you like you are an idiot.

I walked over and just started talking over them {because lets face it what I have to say is a hell of a lot more important anyway} about how he should teach his business contacts to play “Hardhat Rules” and make a big joke out of it. I mean seriously if the damn birds are going to ruin the pace of the game anyway you might as well resort to grim humor. Of course they all stared at me like I had three head, which was a bit beyond the usual “who the hell do you think you are?” stares that they usually give me and more along the lines of “HUH?” so I elaborated a bit. “You see when I had to do this shmoozery stuff at Foss, I used to take the people from Dupont and whatnot to the course down the road from me which is a hard hat course because the fairways cross over each other. There is a different etiquette at them because of the fact that you can get nailed by a ball from another fairway really easily, so you have to act like you are in a war and stay low etc,” and at this point they are still looking at me.

“There were geese and seagulls all over the place so we started making special points for them and incorporating them into the game. Instead of just Birdies and Eagles we added, the Goose, the Dead Goose, and the Dead Seagull,” and this was when their eyes started opening a little wider, except for my boos who knew that no good was going to come of this, “A Goose, is when you hit a Goose, and you get an automatic 2 points subtracted from your score. A dead Goose is when you literally knock them out of the air, but you don’t have to kill them although that is pretty cool too. For that you get 3 points subtracted from your score, and you get a free toss with the ball,” and apparently I hadn’t lost their attention but I wished them a good weekend and started towards my car as the snow started falling.

Despite my bosses encouragement to not ask the question the owner of the company fell right into my trap and asked what a Dead Seagull was and then patiently waited for my response, so I turned around and said, “A sign from God that the new plague of lucusts is ending,” and I gave my usual goofy grin as I could see my boss placing his face in my hands behind him.

That actually was all of the reaction that I wanted from the whole conversation, and people just don’t understand how hard it is to set these things up after all. What I didn’t expect came next when the owner of the company said “You’re coming with us next week, that jerk from Elk would really like you and I am sick of him picking on me and my brother all the time,” which he said with a totally strait and emotionless face, so I haven’t got a clue about whether I have to get my clubs out of the garage, or wait for the gotcha some time next week. Of course the reaction that I saw on my bosses face made it worth it all that much more. You would have sworn he was being strangled … muahahahahaha ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes& Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

All writings Copyright © 2007

Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest