I actually don’t know what to write because of all the things I pondered today and put to words I have found nothing but a lot of wasted time. I was most of the way through a blog about the movie 300 that is coming out and how my daughter wanted me to take her to see it, and then a long trail of the historical significance of it, but then my computer farted and I was left with nothing. After the computer managed to restart and I woke from the absolute boredom that that blog had put me through, I decided not to start over again. This actually does happen to me a lot, and the only saving grace that CherryTAP has afforded me is that almost all of you have never seen my writing before, so I can usually recycle a lot of the crap I had posted in the past. Sometimes I can co-opt older things I had written into new things, and get away with it as well. Today I am just more boring than usual and can’t even colorize my black and white to make it interesting. Blah!
We found my father yesterday by hitting the speed dial to the local police station where he lives now. I hate having to have the police go and find him, but he is starting to reach the age where all of the men in my family die, and I personally get sick of him disappearing and having to worry about him. I hadn’t heard from him since Christmas and he forgot my birthday again this year, so the red flags went up. I mean I have even told him that if he wants to just be missing from the family it is totally understandable because I often dream of that myself, but he needs to start keeping a calendar of important dates or something and send cards so we can simply go about our own lives. I’m sick and damn tired of the quirkiness of my own relatives, and having to simply deal with it after all. With about 4 generations of “fucked up” that I have at least had personal contact with, I often wonder if there is any use in trying to break the cycle realistically.
Tomorrow I have a “sit down” with the school guidance councilor because the oldest daughter has almost fulfilled her dream of being a total failure. If it wasn’t for Art Class she would have a strait F average at the moment, and that does include failing Gym class for God’s sake. Talking to her about any of it means that I will get the usual answer for anything, and that being “I don’t know” for which I have hardly any tolerance or control over.
I finally sat down with her and had the talk about it all. Basically I talked she listened, because she wasn’t going to add anyway. I told her about what happens to people that don’t care and it looks a lot like a janitor in an asphalt factory with three kids and a lunatic grandmother to support. I told her what happens if they really don’t care and it looks like a woman on her fourth marriage and taking care of his child and not allowed to see her own. She sat there staring at me as I told her that the school said she isn’t allowed to play softball, and that I can’t change that. She continued to sit there staring at me when I told her that I had been at this point in our conversations before and that I know she heard me, and I am done talking. She can simply think about it, and decide if she ever wants to do anything other than sit at home, because I can’t do anymore.
The fact is that there is really only one thing left and I am not accepting the same old response tomorrow when I meet with her guidance councilor, but she has been displaying all of the symptoms of a girl that desperately wants to be with kids her own age. She doesn’t bond well with her classmates, who are now starting to act much older than her, and she has been crying out to be held back for years now, and I may be the first parent in the history of mankind to demand that they do it! I have had this talk with the guidance councilors the last 3 years as they rammed “she’s failing this and she’s failing that” down my throat all year just to give her C’s and send her off to the next grade, and I am starting to see that they are inhibiting her education, not helping it. Last year in particular I was rather blatant when I finally just started saying “Flunk her and hold her back then” instead of actually attempting to do anything about it. It would have been nice if they had kept her with the kids her own age at middle school, but they didn’t. Now she is in High School and handing notes around to boys pissed off about 15 year old issues that she doesn’t want to deal with anymore. The light bulb is lit, and I am not going to back off on this one anymore.
I’ve been here unfortunately as I graduated a couple of months after my seventeenth birthday. I was more comfortable in my role of being a under-aged dork than I think she does, and it was more because I fit the Captain ADHD mold when I was in school as opposed to the Lazius Boycrazius mold. I know the issues involved and I couldn’t even fathom them through the eyes of a girl, and I think that she needs an advocate of sorts to let her fail properly, as opposed to float around failure level for 4 strait years, and yes it sounds a bit silly even to me as I am saying it. The problem is that I have tried everything else though. ;8o)
Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy
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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest