Monday, February 5, 2007

Superdaddyman Takes On Captain ADHD - Volume 6

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It was a dark and bitter cold afternoon in the fair city of Megalopolis, as the quiet but ever so fiendish headquarters of the Pink Mafia {PMHQ} lay dormant for that important scheduled holiday known as The Day After Super Bowl! Despite the many evil plans that the dreaded Pink Mafia has to unleash upon the unsuspecting people of Megalopolis, they do understand one thing, that most companies do not, and that is that expecting 50 or so men {of a much lower class then most} to be productive the day after Super Bowl Sunday is folly. So as they do on every “day after the Super Bowl” they schedule it as one of the paid holidays to avoid all of the insurance problems associated with hang-overs. This of course applies to the mere mortals and not to the unyieldingly great like everyone’s favorite super villain turned super hero, Superdaddyman who is sitting in the PMHQ almost alone with the computer on staring aimlessly at something called a CherryTAP.

Now being a Super Hero has it’s drawbacks as you could imagine. The first of which being the amazing tolerance to “irresponsibility” that comes with Super Bowls in general, but of course the super keen intellect that makes him the only person in the whole Pink Mafia that understands both shipping, and manufacturing harms him as well as it pertains to getting days off. Couple all of that with the fact that Superdaddyman will scrub the floors in his spare time, and they have their favorite dupe to guard the headquarters when everyone else is at home sleeping it off. Superdaddyman has never minded these burdens to be placed upon his heroic shoulders as it gives him time to quietly reflect on what brought him to this point in his life, clean up many of the things that he usually can’t with a bunch of under 50 IQ slobs messing it all up while he tries to do it, and of course booby trap absolutely everything in the palace while the kings and queens are away. Can you say “Muahahahahahahahahaha?” … We knew you could boy’s and girls.

Of course with any day spent at PMHQ. One would have to plan for a few “surprises” and the Superdaddyman is not above “surprises” in the least. First we will start with the “surprise” load of fiber glass rolls that showed up. For those who have not been in the “asphalt underlayment” industry, these rolls are roughly 12 feet across and weigh in the ballpark of about 1200 pounds each, and they are stacked in threes, which means they barely fit in the truck. This is a two person job getting them off and it did not amuse the Superdaddyman to have to unload the first one that showed up, without even going into the second or the third one. Of course the Superdaddyman is a doer and not a whiner, so despite the fact that they weren’t supposed to be here today, he unloaded them. This of course took up almost all of his time that he had dedicated to committing heinous atrocities upon his fellow co-workers, but tomorrow is another day!

Now of course Superdaddyman was still unloading the third truck of fiberglass {and had to squeeze in the “surprise” truck of silica in there too} when the Superdaddyphone {sometimes powered by Nextel} went off in his pocket, and the voice on the other end of the line very calmly said “Did you forget something?” which unfortunately in all of the wonderful joy of actually working on his “get even” day, Superdaddyman realized he did. The clock on the wall read 2:00pm which was exactly 15 minutes past the peace negotiations that Superdaddyman had agreed to go into with the daytime superintendents of Captain ADHD. Something about his transformation into Captain SPED has not been going well and the Superdaddyman was summoned to meet with them on this day to discuss the problem. It get’s really sketchy from here so try to follow along.

Superdaddyman arrives on the scene of the interment camp that houses the diabolical Captain ADHD from the hours of 8:30 to 2:30 Monday through Friday {except for every holiday known to mankind and summers} merely 40 minutes late. Despite how amazingly HOT that foot looks in the spaghetti strap style shoes, and the ultra sheer black nylons, as it is tapping on the floor, the operative we shall call “The Teacher” was not happy with the Superdaddyman’s fashionably late arrival. The Caped Pervader takes his normal seat at the end of the long table so that the Star Chamber may proceed to tell him about the fiendish Captain ADHD and his usual exploits throughout the detention facility. “We sort of have a new expression that he likes to use around here now, that I feel works for most situations,” the operative known as “The Guidance Counselor” starts explaining, “You see he will hold up his hand and say, ‘but let’s not go there’ when something particularly startling happens,” he clears his throat and proceeds, “Like the other day he had an ‘incident’ on the bus again, and walked right into my office to tell me before I even got the story that ‘I had an issue on the bus this morning, but we really don’t need to go there, I’m just going to go to class, and start my day over ok?’ which I don’t actually have a problem with because he usually has a pretty good day if I just agree with him,” he finished off with.

Now the Superdaddyman actually sad there with a bit of a suspicious nod, as he was still trying to surmise whether this is a good thing or another ploy that seemly has Captain ADHD running the show again. The owner of the gorgeous ankles that the Caped Pervader sweats through not looking down at, chimes in with, “He’s doing really amazing right now. He is typing out all of his reports on the computer while everyone else is still trying to get the basic understandings of cursive,” which had Superdaddyman complimenting her on how excellent his writing has gotten all of a sudden, and a reply of, “Well that was the thing, I told him if he mastered cursive that I would let him do all of his schoolwork in Microsoft Word and, well, he did it in a couple of days, once again making me see that he’s just too smart …” she trails off as the case worker interjects.

“Well that is the problem we are having right now is that he is at the top of his class in all of his studies. His Science is at a ninth grade level. His reading was at a high school level before the year even started. His math has gone from being at the bottom of the class to being at the top of the class in half a year,” and at this point she places a neatly bound, and typed portfolio in front of the Superdaddyman, to say, “and that is his social studies project on Native American cultures. I probably don’t have to explain to you that my 12 year old daughter wouldn’t have made something like this if it were due.” Superdaddyman of course had to interject that his 14 year old sister wouldn’t have either. “He doesn’t qualify for the EIP anymore. We can’t think up a single thing that qualifies him for Special Education what so ever, and we have been trying for weeks. Aside from his temper management issues, he probably should be in fifth grade not third.”

The rest of the conference went along the lines of discussing that at issue here is the fact that if he wasn’t in the “goals oriented” classes then he would be back to simply doing whatever the hell he wants, and driving the teacher to drink though as well. It becomes a real catch twenty two based on the fact that he is at the upper echelon of his grade because of Special Ed, and now they need to take it away because he is at the upper echelon of his damn grade! Really makes you wonder if it is there to make you excel or simply “get by” which the Superdaddyman at least gives credit where credit is due, because despite the governmental mandates set on what “is” and “is not” special education “worthy” these people actually get it, because of what the case worker said at the end. “Just put down that he still needs a second set of hands. They don’t argue those things,” and that was that. Captain SPED lives to ride another day, and the Superdaddyman still gets to check out those ankles … um … work to better Captain ADHD … yeah that works ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest