Sunday, February 18, 2007

More Babble From The Love Addict - Volume 6

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I walked into the coffee shop on the corner this morning {ok yesterday morning} looking for my next victim at the cribbage tables. It was a past time I had acquired about 5 years ago when I had lost the will to live and simply figured that I would sit and play cribbage with the old guys down town to simply get past the misery of having my kids taken far away, and having to face some drugged out scumbag to go see them. Over time playing cribbage in the coffee shop became a rather “in” thing around here, so much so that the coffee shop went from two tables to 12 dedicated to “hard core” cribbage players. I went from being the youngest to being in the oldest half, and that’s fine with me. I still totally kick ass at it, and have graduated to losing the will to live because I have the kids and not the opposite {said tongue in cheek Cathy … please} even if my cribbage tables are always full.

Of course this is my realm so when I show up I usually get someone that is willing to move aside and let me teach “such and such” a lesson, or something along those lines. Today was no different as I did my usual routine of buying my large Ice Coffee {black … coffee flavored … LOL} and scanned the room for how many of the military crew from the Navy Yard were in this morning, so I could buy them all one. So 9 coffees later, including mine and I was sitting at the cribbage tables waiting for a partner. It’s better in the summer because I can look at all the hotties walking by in their skirts, but needless to say there aren’t any short skirts walking around in the 10 degree without the wind weather we are having right now. I wasn’t even paying attention when an old friend sat across from me in Marine dress blues with a shiney new silver eagle superimposed with a United States shield, holding a bundle of arrows in their talons on her chest. A fine chest Jen has at that, which I can say without her killing me because I grew up with her after all, and I was shocked at the very least to see that she had made Colonel. Not half as shocked as how FUCKING HOT she looks in a marine uniform. That I didn’t have permission to say but will take my chances.

She plays cribbage like an officer too, as she whooped me 5 out of 7 games, but I am enough of a man to admit when I have been beaten, but the conversation that we had was really enlightening. She was telling me about her tours overseas and how she finds it amusing what she hears. I’m not going to recycle all the same old pap about what we here and what they see, because you either know or you don’t and I am not going to change any of that, but when she was talking about being a woman in the military I was kinda in awe of the way she thinks now. Before you think anything that involves music with a lot of bass guitar, she’s married, so with that said I will continue. She said to me “The United States Military is the only job in the world that has complete equality” which like most people I always hear the opposite, but she continued, “Pay is based on rank and time served regardless. I have been all over this world and there is NO country that has that same gender equality anywhere, and the ones that everyone thinks does, don’t at all.” That wasn’t very surprising to me because I work with Bosnian women who tried to live in countries that they spoke the language better in before coming to America, and they always told me that.

Before I start going into a much heralded rendition of “God Bless The USA” she told me a lot of wonderful things about America, that I already knew, and a few other things that I didn’t as well that I will not bore you all with. I’ll get more to the point of this whole blog though with what we started talking about next. One of the things that always gets bothersome though when you are hanging out with an old friend {especially a female one regardless of rank} that is married is that they always seem to think they have the medicine for your ails and it always comes in the form of a “fix up” and this was no different before the games were over. First she had a friend, then a sister {and that brought a lot of laughs because I know her sister … cabbage would be better dinner conversation} then of course her husbands sister. I stopped her short of starting to try fixing me up with the girls behind the counter {despite how cute they are in a way too fucking young for me sort of way}, as I started explaining to her the revelations of me that I have been working on this last week furiously. Again unfortunately unless someone is totally fucked up like you are they will never see it. I tried to reason it out something like this ..

“I am simply a cursed object when it comes to romance. I always have the best intentions but I never have the ability to be anything but two speeds, too fast and dead stop. I fall in love with every woman I meet and I fall out of love with every woman I have ever met, while at the same time having too many feelings of guilt to ever be able to handle hurting another person in any way shape or form. That is what in turn creates the panic disorder as I beat the ever loving shit out of myself for being a rotten person, if I ever hurt someone, and inversely end up beating the shit out of myself if I am hurt. It has taken me forever to realize that there is no reward in it all and I am happier knowing that,” This of course forces her to try harder because like most people she has decided that I am simply in denial, ad continues showing me pictures. Ack! Although a few of them have looked good I stick to my guns, because until I squeeze back into my own skin I am completely useless to anyone. Didn't even go into the long drawn out explanations of having a broken picker.

All the ranting and raving about how lonely I am becomes moot and also adds to the stigmas that I often endure. I am lonely but … {insert one of a million excuses here} and then shake it all up and see what form of mental duress you can come up with now. I have attempted to be romantically inclined over the last several months online and ended up with, married {after the fact as always} engaged but I want to keep talking to you just in case {after the fact of course} married but don’t care {after the fact and then panic attacks} and then as always I am left to wonder if I ever had a brain to begin with. None of this ever translates well to anyone that wants to believe differently about what a total and utter mess I am mentally. Most people have this innate ability to consider everyone to be a fixer upper, and I am no different, and in worse retrospect I am far worse in those regards so again, I am wondering if it is the Pisces, the co dependant, the abandoned child, or the pathetically stuck at home with three children all the time that makes me so pathetic in those regards. I always have hope though simply because I am willing to tattle on myself, which is a lot more than most people do ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes& Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest