Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The True Innards Of The Madman Behind the Curtain - Volume 1

I just got the e-mail today confirming that the most expensive computer I have ever bought in my life was placed in the UPS truck yesterday and I am really excited about it. I couldn’t help it really because as I have always built my own computers from the time that Commodore {yes I am a freaking dork and I owned every Commodore computer from the Vic-20 all the way to the Amiga 3000, and only gave up the Amiga 3 years ago … bite me!} basically started going belly up, so it was about time I just went out and got the very best of something for a change. That’s my story and I am sticking to it. Who could blame me really, because as a power computer weenie this thing is supposedly indestructible? It’s called a Durabook, and it is has an aircraft steel case complete with rubberized corners, which is supposed to make it shock proof beyond 20 feet. As I am usually using the laptop on the roof when I am hiding from the kids, this is a total must! Dual core Intel Pentium, 2 gigs of RAM, 320 gig hard drive, Windows Vista, and 5 years of bumper to bumper warranty! Who’s the man now? Well ok, the story behind my purchase is a bit different then it looks from the outside, so I guess I should start from the beginning on it all and you all can see how ingenious my 2000 dollar purchase was.

I was having a hard time sleeping so I decided that the best thing to do was to watch some television and hopefully … um … find a way to burn off some energy. The best way to do this is to find some educational things to watch and that would stimulate my intellect. That would be on channel 70, 71, and 96 for those of you living in my little corner of the world, meaning HSN, QVC, and Shop NBC, for those who haven’t been following along. If those don’t work then you head for channel 8, 20, or 21 which are the Spanish channels. I didn’t have more than two channels to go until I got to channel 71, and my favorite show hostess {Mary Beth Roe} was wearing my favorite outfit, the above the knee skirt with the tan nylons and open toed shoes. They know they have my attention because they always show all of her as opposed to most of the other show hostesses, so that I can sit there and be mesmerized by the way she does the “come hither” foot bob. Now with that said, I was getting rather stimulated, and was concentrating now on the part about burning off the energy, but they had that stupid Dell loser on, and kept switching back and forth between the bobbing feet, and the dithering dork, crossed legs, geek talking about printers, calf sliding up shin, man stroking a monitor. It was getting rather pathetic in the ability to stimulate department, yummy, damn, oh yeah, shit, wooohooo, damnit! Worse than that, as a total computer dork, looking at Dell computers was making it hard to get stimulated anyway because they suck.

I finally had enough of the tease angle of the whole television stimulation experiment and got out of bed to go to the computer and download some stimulation. Opened up my Incredimail, so that I could get the password to the places that you can download my favorite forms of stimulation material, and before I could even open up my ubra private passwords folder {and yes I am so ashamed to admit this happened} there was an e-mail from Durabook opened in the new mail folder. Like one of the totally taped glasses wearing losers from “Revenge of the Nerds” I was spellbound by the beauty of the newly released Durabook. You should have seen her all glistening silver with the gorgeous black bumper material all around it. The little drool pile forming on my keyboard I had forgotten about the important things I had come to this place to download and was at the Durabook site reading about their new 2999 dollar “Military Issue” laptop. I need help I tell you!!! An hour and a half later I had read every single spec on this thing and managed to talk myself out of it based on price. Single fathers don’t buy frivolous things like that on themselves. They have to be responsible adults and use computers for what they were made for, and that means looking at porn … um … I mean … stimulation at 1am when they have to get up at 3am for work.

Well I turned the Incredimail off and walked very weakly back to my bedroom dejected because instead of looking at the toys I can’t have that I originally went there to look at I ended up looking at a different toy that I couldn’t have, and wasted valuable sleeping time. The good news out of all of this was that that geek that was wasting valuable screen space that should have been totally dedicated to Mary Beth Roe’s legs should definitely be gone by now. Turning on the television I found that her segments were over and I was about ready to cry as that man that looks like a Ken Doll was on instead. God was definitely punishing me still for that stupid plot that Cassius told me I would be a hero for, and all I had to do was stab my buddy Caesar {I’ll get him back for that one some day} many lives ago, so I clicked the channel over to 96 which usually doesn’t have skirt wearing hostesses but once in a great moon they may, and there it was! I was looking at two totally hot babes wearing incredibly short skirts, one was wearing those damn knee high leather boots but the other one had on the spaghetti strapped shoes which really get me … um … stimulated, but more importantly they were standing on each side of MY DURABOOK!

Oh they knew how to sell that thing too, as the hotter of the two brilliant young ladies would just sit there with her foot waggling selling that thing to me personally by explaining the features in great detail. “It’s really cool because when you move the pointer thingy over like this then … see … look how the start thing expands,” and oh baby does it ever, I was thinking. The other one {while scratching the side of her perfect black nylon clad knee … oh yeah attention completely glued} started talking about how it has 4 of those plug thingies that everyone uses to plug in cameras and printers and stuff, which was a brilliant observation on her behalf, as she leans over a bit to run her fingers a bit farther down her calf. What amazingly knowledgeable sales people, the stimulated side of my brain was explaining to me as I stared at the presentation. The other one again chimed in with, “and all this for only 1649 plus 29 dollars shipping and handling,” and then both of the women totally disappeared to me as I was knocking everything over on the night stand to get at the phone.

After an extended 5 year warranty for another 299 dollars I was out almost two grand but it was probably the best sex I had ever had in my life! Um … I mean … I had … Um … purchased my dream laptop at a huge discount over what it would have cost me sitting at the computer. Yeah that works, but the most important thing about all of this was that I had bought this computer and gotten the television off and was asleep before these two excellent sales professionals had sold me the NASCAR collectibles that they were going to be going to next. Since I never spend money on myself realistically as pay day almost inevitably means having to come home with groceries and money to simply throw it all on the floor so they can all wrestle each other for it, I was owed. This goes beyond the usual feeling of being owed while the wild animals are fighting for all of the food and money on the floor and I am sneaking downstairs to start writing or playing on CherryTAP. With that said I only hope that my Cyber Dad wasn’t having insomnia the other night too, when they went to the NASCAR stuff, or my Cyber Mom will be reading this and saying “Hey Don? Where did you say you bought all these Tony Stewart things again?” ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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