Saturday, January 20, 2007

Living With Evils's Uncensored - Volume 1

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Well after the phone rang this morning, and I saw that number I hate to see more than anything else {the children’s mother} I had assumed that she was finally calling to exercise her visitation that I had worked out with her about 2 months ago. Course as far as her responsibility issues go, which has gotten us to this point, let me just say that in the last 10 or so weeks since I had agreed to let her and Whatshisname {never name an animal before you eat it, or a boyfriend of my ex wife, they won’t be around long enough to be worthy} they have come exactly zero times! It’s not the need to see her children in which she whines about not seeing her children after all, it in the pity she gets in not seeing her children. I really could care less if it wasn’t for her need to talk to them about seeing them, getting the son all worked up about it and then … well missing the last 10 visits. She has called 3 times in that 10 weeks which I guess is a modicum of improvement, set aside the fact that we haven’t determined what hurts him more, whether it be talking to her or not talking to her.

I could prattle on incessantly about how I feel about women devoid of maternal instincts, but I think I hve done enough of that over the last 2 years of writing blogs. Facts be told, sleeping with, impregnating, and marrying women like this is a family disease, and I haven’t got the temperament to look at my son and see myself anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I really do feel for him, but there is a vicious cycle that needs to be broken here before he goes off and finds a woman like the one my father and I ended up with. It all goes back to that “no speak” rule that most families adhere too, and I have had that up to my eyeballs already in my 36 years on planet Earth. My father still gets uncomfortable when I try to talk to him about “real life” family isms that have plagued us, and that includes bad decision making skills. I let him stew, because he’s already moved 2000 miles away, and refused to own a telephone over this shit, I don’t want him to have to live in Germany next. See how wonderful the areas of denial have gone, that we have gotten to this point in the “no speak” vernacular.

It’s rather interesting now that Captain ADHD is 8 years old, which is twice as long on this Earth as the age he was when he set that fire that burned down the apartment complex that he was living in with his mother, and we finally have found a head shrinker that wants us to lay it all out. It’s been really hard work the last few weeks trying to get his head on strait while the other tragedy that that woman caused is rearing it’s ugly head, in the form of Imtoocutus’s hearing loss coming back. It’s hard enough for a single father with very edgy coping skills to deal with having one child seeing a doctor twice a week, much less two, and added on to another daughter going through puberty and all of the things associated with that. I’m sure you have probably noticed that I don’t actually complain about that much, and it isn’t actually the “no speak” rule as opposed to the acceptance of a “stiff shit” as my Aussie friends would say. I am a doer and not a complainer by nature mostly because, things still need to be done and whining simply delays it getting done. In other words, despite being the king of analyzing bullshit, I still like to get to the other side of the bullshit and then analyze it afterwards, in the hopes of learning from it and not repeating the bullshit.

The bright side of all of this is now that Imtoocutus is off of the prescription brand of “Crack” that the doctor put her on. Her hearing is greatly improved again, so she is probably going to avoid another surgery. The doctor was as pleased as I was because I have abandoned the “no speak” rule and am perfectly willing to have a total nervous breakdown if I have to sit in a waiting room again while she goes through that. The common belief that I can be strong for her is a fallacy that I am willing to admit right now because I don’t do well in hospital environments at all. She came into this world without me present because we learned our lesson when her brother was born. The dark side with a silver lining in all of this is that the new Doctor that is seeing Captain ADHD twice a week has a different mentality then the last one and I am going on his instincts that we shouldn’t walk around all of his mother’s issues anymore. This means that I am sitting in the appointments and we are talking candidly about the things that concern him as apposed to the “mommy is busy” or “mommy loves you but …” talking that he has had 4 years of, and I have to agree with him on this as there is improvement intermixed with all of the anger that he is feeling. This was precipitated by the fact that this Doctor finally pointed out that if his mother hasn’t even assisted in letting him know that it all wasn’t his fault {she was off getting laid God knows where and left a 4 year old and a 2 year old home alone to play with her cigarette lighters for God’s sake} then it’s probably time that we let him know more about what is going on. Yes I realize that most people are riddled with the “no speak” anxiety over letting an 8 year old know that his mother has problems {in a controlled environment of course} but the Doctor and I agreed that there is a pattern here that needs to be broken.

Needless to say, I have been emotionally exhausted lately having to deal with the “tough questions” and the well worded “tough answers” that come with it all. It’s not easy sometimes, and unless you have been there you don’t even have a clue what it is like to have to edit what you say all the time. I want to say “Because she’s a fucking loser,” but often have to translate it into “Because she just doesn’t do the right things all the time,” while at the same time keeping the tongue of a 14 year old daughter that DESPERATELY wants to say “Because she’s a fucking loser,” as well. This is just heart wrenching to me really, because I have to remember at every step of the way that I didn’t just marry “a fucking loser” but that I “don’t do the right things all the time” while at the same time, as I always say when people ask about my youngest, she wasn’t an “accident” she was a “surprise” or in other words marrying that “fucking loser” gave me the children that I love and cherish, even if the marriage didn’t turn out that way. See what the definition of mental exhaustion is?

I guess to answer the question that a lot of you might be asking yourselves right now … “No there is no redemption for the truly evil,” because she didn’t call to schedule picking up the kids, when she called. Again I was forced to be in the situation of trying to get her to talk to the kids when she didn’t even have time to do that, yet again on the now eleventh Saturday in a row that she has not come to see the kids after we went through a year of peace negotiations to get her that right. She had called to see if I could let her claim one of the kids on her taxes, despite not paying any child support for 4 years, and not having any legal income last year I was forced to sit here and again tell her that she doesn’t have a right, and doesn’t even have a deduction without income. What makes it so sad is that I am doing this when she should be seeing her kids instead of trying to figure out ways to exploit them, yet again. It’s why I live in “Realityville” despite all of the sensationalistic stories I write about Superdaddyman, the Evils’s and the Pink Mafia to simply escape from what is often my reality which is “It beats the shit out of the same old ‘no speak’ rule” ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest