Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Deadly Sins Therapy - Volume 10

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Before I begin, let me just say that this is going to be long and more boring than usual. If you have a very low tolerance for the inane, then I suggest you move on to something more exciting. I am not in a good mood, and I really cease to amaze myself today. I also happen to find my own personal self discovery that I am always striving for to be a bit dated and tired, but I have taken to picking apart a few other inventories these days, and have been an unwilling hostage to them for a very long time now, in the grand scale of things. Before you read any further, please note that there are no apologies to be handed out, no kudos to be acknowledged, and I am for the most part just blathering and then posting for the sake of having something posted.

If I were to go back to July 15 of 2005, I would simply remember that I was at the end of a rotten relationship, and finding myself in a position of vulnerability, and in need of attention, when I wrote the first blog that I ever wrote. It wasn’t exactly popular, but it made a stir in the chat rooms that I hung out in on Yahole, because the women that I had mentioned in it were not happy with some things that I said. Most of the people that had then run off to read it {as it sat in the new Yahole 360 hell format that I had volunteered to try out} found it to be rather bland, and I think it was rather bland too. Having a bunch of pissy women running around like lunatics, forced me to write my second blog “Things You Learn with a Bad Back” to simply get that other blog off of my front page because you couldn’t delete them at the time. I reverted to my passive aggressive form of humor to cover up how uncomfortable I was being the topic of chat room drama, and the blog itself became really popular very quickly from that point forward. There’s a few people reading this that have heard that before, but here’s the rub, where I point out that it takes daily vigilance to be that sort of a person.

I’ve spelled it out a lot that I am not a happy person, and for the most part, I went from scared, to angry, to bitter, to hateful, and that was how I started my adult life. Mental hospitals, rehabs, pills, suicide attempts, and then later on divorces, children, and a huge garbage pile of regrets led me to a place called apathy with a silver lining. Through my own eyes, and the power of my keyboard I have tried to hash out what I want to be and how I want to conduct myself while examining my innards openly for a year and a half now and it has been a most fascinating roller coaster that probably would have killed me 10 years ago. I watched myself grow to become the first 360 icon, just to watch it get torn down by all of the detractors that said I wouldn’t make it if I lost all of that and they were wrong. I am sitting here right now still rather proud of what little I had accomplished and how bright that fire burned me out, and that’s actually pretty sad. I watched it all disintegrate because of three things that are still following me no matter where I go, and the first and foremost is myself {because I do tend to have to go where I am} the second is {or was} my fans, and last was the people who carry pitchforks with their torches, for whatever reason they may have.

My problem now is that I have finally realized a few things that were very hard to admit back in the Yahole days, and with my change in attitude over the years, it still bites me in the ass, that some people will never change. I have a hard enough time changing myself, much less having faith in the entire human race as a whole, so it is pretty sad that I still fall into the ruts that I have over the years that some people can be helped. The part of it all that is the worst is that deep down inside I still actually have to work at being a nice person, and really just wish everyone on the planet would die except 1 blond, 1 brunette, and 1 redhead, all with perfect bodies and the entire Victoria’s Secret Collection at their disposal, to go with their raging sexual appetites. Deep down inside I still feel that I could fuck that up if given half a chance. You see it all started with a woman, as it would be labeled in the first Spiderman movie, as it always does with the ruination of “the nice guy” which I have worked pretty hard to be over the years, and upon meeting her and falling in love with her my entire life started flushing down the toilet. At least that is what it looks like through the eyes of a writer like myself when in reality it all has to do with my twisted sense of loyalty, intermixed with my denial of how human beings truly work {as in I am not the only one that hates everyone and has to work on being better than that I just have to realize that sometimes in certain situations I am THE ONLY one actively working on that} along with my innate need to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Welcome to the Monorail that takes you off of the Island of Disney Jeremy, there are some people in this world that are just shit!

Now this woman whom I was in love with for well over a year, I truly believe is a good person, and actually clung on to what was left of a rather good friendship at times, despite the fact that the people that she brings to the table are simply rotten to the core. My mind simply wants to do the algebraic equations that will disprove the theories that you can’t judge a person by the company they keep, but here I am to actually say that YOU CAN find misery in the misery of others, and being a manic person I do tend to love to suck the misery out of those around me so that I can wallow in it for them. This is not a great way to live your life and I am simply ripping myself from the cocoon of being immersed in other people’s shit for so long that I had truly convinced myself that it was my own, and I can’t even begin to tell you the panic attacks that it has been giving me the last few days. I watched a couple of people that I thought I could “save” totally rip my own little world apart a year ago and cast me out of my fun little Yahole world, the whole time assuming that I was a better person for fighting it all, and what I was was a total idiot. I am watching the cancer of bad decisions {3 parts mine, 3 parts another, 3 parts shit, blend … drink} coming after me now, and insanity isn’t even the word for it as again I am at a cross roads of “does the shit that others attract, need to effect me?” and the answer is no.

What really kills me in all of this is that I have actually written it out, very eloquently, and often to much herald how the Invidia, in others will destroy everything around you, and I missed a very important key factor in all of it that I should have seen before, as it is staring me dead in the face right now. There are some objects of irrational lust, and wanton need to others that are not worth salvaging. The incidents that took place when a very insane man took on different identities all over Yahole to get me, and all of my friends, and the friends of the woman that at the time I had fallen so madly in love with that I couldn’t even rationalize that my want to save that scumbag was pointless, scares me so bad to this day. In the same sense the very same woman, the very same instances, and a different insanely jealous, hateful lunatic arises and the only thing I can think to do in it all is run and hide, because I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. There was a pivotal moment in all of this as I realized that it isn’t entirely in the minds of the kooks as their only link to me is still the same thing it was back then, and as always my mind battles over whether the person is worth the baggage that she carries. Here’s where my deadly sin really comes in as the Ira builds to the point of being equally as irrational, and I just want to do my “bull in the china shop” impersonation.

Just want to warn both of the people who probably made it this far in this that I am not even close to over so if you chose to step away from the blog slowly now, I would definitely understand, because this is where I go back to my old behaviors and try to see how they might have been there for a reason. As we all know human beings like all animals are set up with a certain set of instincts. Mine tend to be off kilter because I like to believe that I have personally evolved out of a lot of them and perhaps that is my downfall after all. If we were to go back about 20 years this all would have been solved rather easily by my getting totally plastered and then arrested for trying to kill someone. Now we all know that that is no way to spend a weekend but inevitably {whether sane or not} the person or persons that had assisted {3 parts this … 3 parts that … stir … drink} in bringing me to this state usually avoids me outright from that point forward. This is misplaced but rather effective instinctual natures to alleviate stress, if you look at it in the positive light that I try to portray the average cock sucking ass hole that I have given “benefits of doubt” to in the past, if you apply a bit of sick and twisted logic to it. Realistically speaking nobody wants to see life go back to the days of pistols on the lawn or a gun in the back like we were still in Lexington Green or Deadwood respectively, but perhaps simply saying “Get the FUCK away from me {insert name or colorful adjective here}” works a lot better than applying a “Please leave me alone” as unfortunately there are always going to be the spare totally beneath redemption asshole that is only going to understand their own language. For me to think that my dog understands more than perhaps “Tommy” at best makes ME an idiot.

As I have been reposting all of my old blogs on CherryTAP I have noticed that a few things have remained a constant in all of this, and I have to stop two cycles that will kill me sooner or later if I allow them to. The first being that I have to admit that people are going to get jealous of me either for my talent, my popularity, or simply because they are incensed by who is paying attention to me, and I shouldn’t have to apologize or try to make those people feel better anymore. The second and more importantly, I have to get back to being the flagrantly honest person that isn’t afraid of hurting people’s “feelings” anymore, or simply thinking that some people have a chance to understand things that genetically they may never. Some people actually are losers because of how they are and I am not going to fix them, and I should stop treating the 99.9 percent of the people I come in contact with as “potentially dangerous” because of the .1 percent that is. I should just label them as dangerous, and move on. If that means that I have to cut ties with those that like to bring losers around to destroy everything around me, then so be it, those decisions are best left up to those that should know better to begin with. If I have to tell someone to “Fuck themselves” because “Please’s” and “Thank You’s” don’t work then it may be a little bit of the “old school” instincts that I was born with to protect myself as opposed to the “old Jeremy” that I have so desperately tried to eliminate, most likely at the expense of my own sanity.

Then again as I emote all of this old shit and garbage that infests me, the fear of it all is still there. The people who will label me as having too much drama, the ones that will want to grab hold of me and tell me that everything will be all right, and those that think I deserve this for whatever catty ass reason they have, practically makes me want to hit the delete key right now because my own fragility in it all remains. At the same time I have to remember that I am a human being and not a human doing, and this is MY blog, and I should write about whatever the hell I want. I can handle anything that is thrown at me as long as it isn’t based on Invidia, and made to inspire Ira, because if someone is simply out there to get Ira out of me these days, I have it, and may be proud once more to use it, and for all those haters out there might know it may be ten times worse sober ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest