Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Things You Learn From Your Ex Wife's Girlfriend - Volume 8

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Well I was afforded a bit of ME time this morning which I decided to dedicate to a very important hobby of mine, skirt watching in downtown Portsmouth. The day isn’t all that cold, and I was rather impressed to see that all the ladies took their legs out of winter storage and were displaying them proudly for me on their way to work. It’s good for this time of year because usually I think the fact that I can’t girl watch as heartily this time of year as I had over the summer always interferes with my moods. Today is like a total recharge for my soul. Those who have read my entries before probably already know the one thing that often interferes with drooling over business skirts in downtown and like any good tragedy so shall it today, “We have to find you a girlfriend, because you’re really pathetic sitting here looking like a love sick moron,” came the familiar words from behind me.

“I thought it was my job to find you women, or at least convert them for you,” I said without even looking behind me. The words of the girlfriend of my last wife are commonplace around here as she does happen to work across the street from my favorite place to girl watch {and yes I am jealous that she has a work view of the legs here from her desk thank you very much} which often makes her take a “smoke break” even though she doesn’t smoke. I think I am her entertainment actually which is not rare amongst me and lesbians to whom I have always had a certain “Rock Star Wig” status in the area. “Why didn’t you come to Christmas this year, you know we were kinda hoping for you to be there?” I added before she sat down next to me on the bench.

“It’s every girls dream to watch her girlfriend dote over their ex husband and their kids, but I decided to go hang with my parents,” she pointed to a really hot woman wearing very sheer stockings for this time of year {and yes I would have been crying like a baby had I missed it} and gave me the thumbs up. She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to help me pick out a girlfriend which seemed rather odd because I didn’t think that Wal-Mart sold those anymore. “Look I read your stuff on that blogger site and you are pathetic. You used to have like 50 hotties {word I taught her} commenting you up a day, and now you just write about angry stuff,” she pointed to another one wearing pants but shaped like the Venus, “You’re a pretty cool guy, but you hate yourself so much it really starts to get the best of you.”

I hate it when she simply gets all honest on me when I am trying to perv, it kinda takes all the fun out of it even if she can keep an eye on the other directions for me. “I happen to have very bad taste in women, so it is safer to buy porn and watch girls as they go by, and you’ve known that for a couple of years now. You can’t even imagine how much it sucks keeping your kids from having to see you with a different woman all the time. They lived through that crap with their mother, and let’s face it ‘Single Daddy’ is only a turn on for about 2 weeks, especially when you won’t introduce them to your kids. That pisses them off to no avail, and I am too old for that bullshit. You should know about as well as anyone thank you,” I said with the best fake grin I have ever used, and even tried to do it without sounding bitter. Factually speaking women piss me off, and that’s one of the big reasons I like just looking at them and working on being civil, but she’s opened herself up for this so she’s going to get it now, “You fucking have two types of women in this world making the rest of you look bad and I happen to attract them both. You have those that want a nice man with no kids to spoil them and treat their kids like gold, and you have the ones that think they want to take care of the idiot father with his kids and get sick of it because they are fickle!”

“Bitches, but wouldn’t a woman with a set like that be a nice chew toy,” she threw in mid rant, to totally throw me off my game, which had me grinning over the thought of “chew toy” but of course she had to continue, “Just try not to marry the next one til at least the third date and you might do alright,” my look didn’t make her very comfortable, “Ok seriously, you are a pretty cool guy, we talk about this all the time, and tell you what I am going to do, I’m going to ruin your favorite excuse and tell you that any time that you want to go out on a date, we got the kids for the night,” which made my mind churn a bit over the concept of freedom before she added, “We talked about it and want to take the kids New Years Eve and all day New Years day for you, so you can’t just sit at home and blame the kids,” and with that she gave me a smile that really does remind me of the one that the Grinch used in the Dr Suess book.

I actually caught myself searching my pea of a brain to try to find an excuse to not need them, and in the end of the very short conversation in my mind merely said “Thanks” and guided my attention to the really tall {I mean a foot taller than me with the heels at least} brunette that she was elbowing me into seeing. Again she wasn’t in a skirt, but for this time of the year it was a nice sight. The Silent Bob of the lesbian community made her way back to work as I was still sitting there pondering a night of freedom and absolutely nothing to do with it. Hell even if I sat home alone it is still peace and quiet for a change, and who can complain about that? Ok don’t answer that I can complain about anything and I know that already … sheesh ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest