Sunday, December 24, 2006

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2006 #2

After touch down of Air Force One, the Superdaddyman and The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s hop off the plane to see the smoke of the Penguins secret fortress. It’s a bit nippy out but this is the sunny part of the year down here at least. “Stay with me gang we need to attack …” and before the sentence could be finished Captain ADHD and MiniEvil took off screaming towards the fortress. “Well so much for a sneak attack,” the Superdaddyman quipped as he started after them with Imtoocutus and Notsocutus right along side him, Lazius Boycrazius and Instagatorus Boycrazius lagging behind whining about it being too far. “When we get there you ladies all know your role while those two are creating the diversion!”

“What in the name of … Hey … Don’t touch THAT! … Where the hell did they go!!!!” comes echoing over the hill to the secret fortress as captain ADHD and MiniEvil use their blinding mastery of the Martial ADHD all over them. As the gang graces the top of the hill and looks past the mountain of mismatched socks they can see the little streaks of light flashing around the inside from the screaming around that the two of them are doing.

Down the hill goes running the Superdaddyman carrying the fiendishly evil Imtoocutus and Notsocutus {hey they are 6 they get sick of walking pretty fast} and they are at the bottom when they hear from back at the top of the hill, “Hey there’s my favorite sock!” come out of the mouth of Lazius Boycrazius and the pounding footsteps of a charging angry Teenager on the hill as she yells “Oh it is so on now Bitch!!” on her way past the Superdaddyman and the little evils’s. Istigatorus Boycrazius right behind her {you know followers at that age} screaming out obscenities of her own. Hell hath no fury like a couple of angry girls who lost their accessories and have realized it so “all of a sudden” as they go crashing through the door knocking it off of the hinges, “You sock stealing little Bitches, I’m going to …” and the rest was muffled out by the sounds of fists hitting penguin flesh. Boys might seem tough but there is nothing tougher than a 14 year old girl having a visit from her friend after all.

Upon entering the Fortress the leader of the wicked penguins points strait at Superdaddyman, “I knew only you could stoop this low Superdaddyman!!” he then deflects a blow from Lazius Boycrazius to start running towards the back door, just to have the way be blocked by Imtoocutus and Notsocutus. “What the hell are you two going to do to me, you’re the only two hear that are actually smaller than me and I don’t find either of you all that cute!” which was met with a “Why” by Imtoocustus. “Because I am evil!” the penguin leader responded which drew a “Why” from Notsocutus. “Because all penguins are … OUCH!” he screeches out as Instagatorus Boycrazius grabs him by the neck and Lazius Boycrazius starts scratching his face frantically. “Ok that’s it! Bring me the weapons!!!!” he yells out.

It was diabolical in its execution, but the penguins must have prepared for this. A gang of little penguins came from the other side of the door dragging an X-Box and wide screen which they set up against the wall which immediately turned the two chaotic blurs that were screaming around the room initiating chaos into mind numb zombies on the floor in front of it. The look of horror on Superdaddyman’s face told the whole story as he watched his own interrogation and sedation tactics being used against him! The next pile of penguins came out with large piles of designer clothes and shoes and tossed them on the floor. The two “enforcers” of the crowd were gone in a second and trying to pull the different clothes out of each other’s hands. When the penguins threw Chocolate into the pile Superdaddyman knew he was cooked because Imtoocutus and Notsocutus were off like a broken lightbulb too. “So Superdaddyclown,” the penguin leader begins, “I never thought it would be so easy to get you here and finally take care of our ‘other’ little problem at the same time!” he said right before a pile of penguins with bats started pummeling our Caped Pervader.

When he came to, the Superdaddyman found that he was tied to a rather large table. He can’t help but think how tacky this truly is, but that’s what you get for taking on a renegade gang of penguins after all. How in the name of God is Superdaddyman going to show his face at the PTA meetings again after enduring a very bad James Bond scene with a bit of Scooby Doo thrown in with it? “So what the hell do you think you’re going to do with me now Penguins?” the Superdaddyman yells out to the echoes of his own voice. “Do you expect me to talk?”

“Oh geeze Superdummyman! Who the hell is living in a James Bond movie now … Well No Superdaddydork I expect you to die” the penguin leader yells out with a huge tone of mockery in his voice. Superdaddyman looks at the ceiling in shock as he wonders how the penguin read his mind like that. “I read the script you idiot!” the penguin responds as if to his very thoughts.

“So then you know that you are going to torture me then?” the Superdaddyman exclaims. “You wouldn’t even think to stoop that low you diabolical piece of filth!” Superdaddyman then adds.

“Oh you bet I will, because I have resell rights on all of the video tapes!” the penguin yells back with a fiendish cackle, “and the torture scene alone is worth at least a million copies! I changed it around a bit because I didn’t like that whole ending with you being the hero and all. Of course being diabolically evil has it’s draw backs like thinking up stooped things to say so that I can talk your ear off, but then again that is how the ‘lesser’ evil doers get caught!” he claps his hands together and yells out “Commence with the torture!”

Superdaddyman lifts his head enough to see the door open across from him and a scantily clad brunette walk through it. The horror on Superdaddyman’s face can only mean one thing! It’s the Mother of all the Evils’s {MAE} and she has that look in her eye! She also happens to have the black thigh high stockings and the bustier that tells Superdaddyman that she means business too! It’s always been Superdaddyman’s Kryptonite to see a hot pair of legs in stockings, but this is beyond the type of torture that Superdaddyman can even handle. She’s doing that walk that gets him super hot too, as she gets that hot little grin when she sees {very very obviously from a bit south of the belly button} that her little strip show on the way to the table is working too! Oh the agony of those tight jeans that Superdaddyman had to wear in hopes that Condi would check out his ass … ACK! “You know you want to Superdaddyfool! And you know that she is going to punish you with every womanly way that she has … MUAHAHAHAHA!” the penguin barks out at Superdaddyman.

“Never!” Superdaddyman kind of squeaks instead of yells but after clearing his throat he continues, “I don’t want to taste the thousands of men that have touched her last week alone, and knowing her she has showered since 4000 men ago!” but of course it trails off as her silky toes start gliding along the Superdaddycalf. The agony of it all starts to be revealed in the face of the Superdaddyman as he turns his head and closes his eyes tight while biting his tongue.

BANG! The sound of a chunk of the roof being smashed in makes TME jump off of the Superdaddyman, and the thunderous noise of hoofs hit the ground. It’s RUDOLF!! And he is fucking PISSED! Contrary to what people have heard about Rudolf you see he isn’t exactly the cute and cuddly of all the reindeer. Quite the contrary actually since he was stopped for his third DWI back in the seventies he had to serve a few years in the pen where he lifted weights, and learned how to make a good shiv so he really is pretty bad ass. His nose is still red but then again the big Tribal tattoo on his shoulder kinda makes up for it. His immediate charge at the penguin leader knocks him and the table over and Rudolf keeps smashing through everything until the leader of the penguins is completely outside with Rudolf beating the ever loving crap out of him {as you would too if the last thing you remember was a bat by this clown against your head} and the rest of the penguins started funneling outside to try to break up the mêlée.

Superdaddyman was none to slow getting up and running for the back door when his hands were finally free. Once on the other side he saw the rest of the evils’s still droned out by their new things, except for the two little evils’s who had fallen asleep from all the excitement. Superdaddyman being no dummy decided that it was best to leave them all here until he got Santa as they probably are about ready to turn on him anyway, so he proceeded past the next door where Santa was tied up to a chair with one of those red balls in his mouth, and a black leather mask on. These penguins really are a suck bunch let me tell ya, but there were two penguins in here working Santa over still. Upon seeing the Superdaddyman they immediately started running towards him which was rather stupid because Superdaddyman simply moved and they went sliding out the door which Superdaddyman then closed behind them. The floors are ice after all.

Immediately Superdaddyman removed the mask and the red ball from Santa, and he just started yelling out, “Oh the things your ex wife did to me, and the smell!” his gagging for air as he was fighting to get his hands free while Superdaddyman untied his hands, “Geeze, she’s cute in that thong and all but I’d get her a shower for Christmas if she was ever a good girl. Blech!” he then grabs his hat and throws it on and bellows “Let’s get the hell out of here before I forget that I am a Saint!” as he then kicks in the door to where the Reindeer are being kept, “Come on guys we have to get all of those socks and remote controls and bring them back with us. We can’t let those little bastards win!”

Outside there was a big pile of penguins next to the big pile of socks. Rudolf was standing there with one leg raised urinating on the leader of the elves when Santa spoke up, “Rudolf! What have I told you about gloating?” Santa then looks over at one of the other elves and then adds “That’s just disgusting!”

The evils’s 8 million socks 3 million remote controls and Superdaddyman all squeezed into the sleigh quite easily as Santa does have the Lincoln Navigator of sleighs after all, and with that the Jolly Old Elf whips at the reins while the reindeer start running down the ice to a perfect take off. Superdaddyman is glad to get this over with and get back to Megalopolis, “it’s just a bit to warm down South here” he says to Santa as they both start chuckling. Santa has been lecturing the evils’s on the values of being naughty or nice, and it’s a good thing to see them stare at him like he’s an idiot as well, but the Superdaddyman couldn’t help but chuckle as Santa told them that he’s going to go easy on them this year because they whooped ass Santa Style ;8o)