Friday, December 22, 2006

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2006 #4


A long way from the North Pole in a different type of workshop at the farthest south place that anyone could possibly find themselves from the Jolly Old Elf of Christmas, past the mountain of unmatched socks lives the very Anti-Santa’s that plague the world while the ladies call them “cute!” It has been a long existence of one evil plot after another {which brings us back to all those socks that they had stolen from everyone’s dryers} which has brought them to this point, the very season of what shall be their most fiendish plot of all time, the very theft of Christmas itself! You all obviously know who I am talking about in this fiasco as the fiendish Penguins and their scheme to spread misery!

“364 days a year we do what is necessary to rob the human race of any joy! We steal one of their socks! We break into their cars and turn the volume to max for when they start it up! We even go as far as to make sure that the lid is always left up on their toilet seats, and all of their mayonnaise jars are too damn tight!” the head of the evil penguin gang rants. “No matter how hard we try, and how close we come, that fat asshole from up north goes around and gives out toys and joy and totally recharges all of the humans that we so dutifully tried to make miserable!” Of course it is without fail that the ranting penguin is being reassured by the other penguins around him. “This shall be our year! This will be the time that we have all waited for! I have the very plan that will take down the spirits of the entire human race once and for all!” he shouted while pounding his fist, and the “Ooo’s and Ahhh’s” of the other penguins. “We shall kidnap Santa Claus!”

The gasps from the crowd of penguins as they all look around the piles of remote controls that they have all stolen over the years, some tripping over piles of lost {ha ha} toys, when another penguin finally yells out, “I can make us elf disguises! He’ll never see us coming!” and the thunderous cheers from the rest of the Penguin hive echo out throughout the South Pole. “This plan can’t fail, and then I would love to see how those humans get all joyous without their hero Santa Claus!”

The penguins started furiously working on their “less than thought out” plan, but that is how penguins operate after all. The penguins in the sweat shops started slaving over their sewing machines that they haven’t used since they tried the whole Leprechaun scandal in Ireland, but this time they are taking to it with a renewed vigor. They sewed up the little hats, and the little green jackets, and the little brown pants. To finish off the whole costume they even made little red noses and big pointy ears {because penguins don’t have ears silly} so they could disguise themselves as elves. They are a rascally lot those fiendish little penguins. They never even considered the thought of getting to the North Pole because as we all know as we have checked our dryers and scurried to change the volume on our car stereos that the Penguins have their ways of getting around. Upon completion and sizing they all stood around donning their rather sad looking elves costumes and the leader of the penguin clan read from a checklist that one of the other penguins had compiled while they organized the dastardly plot.

The penguin shouted out “Milk?” to which one of the voices in the crowd replied with a check, “Cookies?” which also received the same reply. “What the hell is the carrot for anyway?”

“That nosey little bastard Rudolf likes those I hear!” shouted out a voice in the back which had all of the penguins chattering in agreement, “The last thing we want is that stupid nose of his going off when we are corning in on the fat man do we?”

“We all know the hard part is going to be getting that old jerk here, has anyone thought about the transportation scenario?” which had him looking back and forth throughout the crowd of dumbfounded penguins. Looking around some more he finally gets that look on his face, you know the one that shows the pure evil that penguins truly are comprised of, “I have the perfect way of getting that big red oaf here, so one of you guys get me the bottle of Vodka!”

Meanwhile back at the North Pole the Jolly Old Elf himself was frantically walking back and forth checking his list and then of course checking it again. He picks up a toy here and he picks up a toy there, and the elves are running around frantically trying to get the toys finished because after all Christmas is only 4 days away. It’s crunch time in the land of Joy and Holly, and none of the Elves that hang out in this pole would ever want to let the children down. As they were running hilly nilly, the sound of a gigantic whistle goes off, and the elves all put down what they are working on. Santa’s Shop is not like the shop of the evil Penguins after all as they all have Union cards. Many of them start pulling out their smokes, and others start heading toward the coffee machine, but for the most part they all leave the workshop about as fast as they were working a minute or so previous. Santa being management keeps checking his list, and of course again while looking at toys. After about 15 minutes the whistle goes off again, and the elves start sauntering back in, and start taking up positions around the shop.

“Pipkin? What happened to the Barbie Doll for that little girl in Abu Dhabi?” but after no response for a minute or so, he walks over and taps the elf on the shoulder. “Pipkin? The Barbi Doll?”

“Uh ..” the little elf looked at Santa with vacant eyes, and then starts up again, “Um … I lost it,” and then looked away really quickly before Santa could get a good look at him, and then he tried to wander away.

“Pipkin? Are you feeling ok? Your voice sounds pretty strange.” Santa asked the elf as he tried to walk away but the only thing he heard in return was from someone behind him, that yelled out “Fuck this … Get HIM!!” and he felt a pig pile of little elves pounce on him.

Now most people of course don’t realize {which means that penguins are probably less likely to realize} that Santa is a pretty tough Mo. You try lugging around billions of toys each year without getting a bit muscled, and with that Santa stood up and started throwing penguins everywhere. “You little assholes! I knew you penguins couldn’t go for long without trying to screw with the Claus!” With that he kicked another one strait in the nuts. “Time for Santa to get all North End on your wicked little asses!” Santa then grabbed another one and threw him square into the wall before the penguin leader hits him over the head with a baseball bat.

“That’s the problem with these humans, they never shut up!” the leader of the penguins yells out as he stands on Santa. “Have you guys got the transportation all set?”

“Yeah boss, the reindeer are trashed. They couldn’t even make it through that whole bottle of Smirnoff, I was thinking about taking advantage of Blitzen, God did SHE get the right name ….”

“Look I don’t want to hear about it, just drag Santa to the Slay and lets fly his sad ass back to the South Pole!” barked out the leader of the penguins. The scurrying penguins came back to life for the moment as they began to drag Santa to his own sleigh where eight drunken reindeers were laughing about the penguins dragging Santa Clause. Rudolf was laying there knocked unconscious {look at that red nose and tell me that he doesn’t have quite the tolerance to booze … he’s practically a Kennedy!} and seeing little stars.

When the elves finally recovered from their own throttling they ran to get Mrs. Clause who was out getting a facial, and a pedicure, and was not very happy as the elves came barging in during her mango scrub, “You mean to tell me that those penguins from down south kidnapped Santa?” she exclaimed with a bit of disbelief, “Didn’t he go all Santa-Fu all over them?” she then added as she remembered all of the classes that they got from a friend last year.

“Oh he was all Mid-Evil Santa on them Mrs. C, like back when he wore white and kinda looked like Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings movies, but one of them whacked him with a bat like they did to all of us!” the elf exclaimed to her, as he watched her reach into her bag to grab her cell phone. “Um … Ok … like they did to one of us and the rest fainted,” he then added after her stern glance.

“Yes this is Mrs. Clause up at the North Pole, and we have an emergency here. Santa’s been kidnapped by those damn penguins, and we are going to need the best of the best. I need you to get me Superdaddyman!” …. To be continued …