Thursday, December 28, 2006

Epilogue to The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2006


Well a couple of days have past and it’s time for me to evaluate my Christmas presents. I know it’s the thought that counts so I have put some thought into the gifts that I have received and I have accumulated the following mental notes to show that I really care individually about the gifts that were given to me. This Christmas was the most expensive in history for me as I made sure that I put this year’s rather large raise to good use and bought the kids expensive gifts for a change, so it is of course in my analytical interest to see how I made out. That’s what most normal people do right?

First and foremost the most fascinating thing that I received was an Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer. I have seen these things in the store before but never really thought much about them because of my strange fixation on pulling out my own hair anyway. I rip the stuff out from under my arm pits so that it doesn’t get all painful when I wear a wet suit surfing, so it never meant much to me to simply pluck out my nose hairs when I am driving down the road. Hey, some people sing, other people yell at the talk radio stations, I pull out my nose hairs, who are any of us to judge anyway? Now the most fascinating thing about this nose hair trimmer is that it came with a comb just like my beard and mustache trimmer. This of course leads me to wonder if there are people out there that like to style their nose hairs, or perhaps get some braids or dreadlocks going out of it. I am also quite fascinated to know if people can actually grow it to a length that this would become effective.

It doesn’t run in my family unfortunately but my grandfather really was starting to grow new mustaches around his ears, and I never actually saw him combing them out. Ear hair plucking I usually reserve for home though because it hurts like a bastard and I don’t want people to see me crying as I drive down the street, it’s not like plucking nose hairs after all. I did actually try to use the thing this morning so that I could at least see what the whole “trimming the nose hairs” craze was all about, and needless to say it went about as well as when I shaved my legs for Halloween. The stupid thing grabbed onto a chunk of inner nose flesh and wouldn’t let go after it seized up, so the humiliation of having to go and get my daughter to help me unlock the thing was one for the ages. I just hope the hairs I got don’t do that whole “growing in thicker” thing my parents told me about growing up because quite frankly it would have made 10 years of ripping the things out with my fingers worthless.

The grandmother {Greektradgedius Inyiddish} had her best gift buying year ever for me and I have to give her the props. She managed to get me 3 pairs of pants {wranglers my favorite} that all fit me and two sweat shirts {Starter .. my new favorite because they are even better than Haines} which were baggy enough to conceal my looming belly issue {went from a 30 waist to a 32 this year … lazy bastard} and for that I was eternally grateful. The kids got me a South Park calendar which will come in perfect since the wickedly witch of Human Resources came down and took my calendar with the half naked women on it. That calendar was actually given to me by one of the vendors that we do a lot of business with, but she wouldn’t accept my explanation that they would be offended to not see it hanging in the office. Even after I told her that it would cost us a million dollars in business, she would probably be fired and then forced to be a bag hag in Dorchester over it. You just can’t reason with that woman. There aren’t any half naked women on this calendar but she’ll find a reason to hate it, I assume even though she let me keep the Budweiser one despite the completely naked horses all over it. Seriously it’s pretty obvious that the woman is into depraved beastiality and I’m offended, but the company all knows about it now because of my e-mail.

My aunt {Greek Tradgedius Intraining} gave me the usual, a carton of smokes and a gift card to Dunkin Donuts {love ya auntie} which I have already used most of both, so those definitely meet with my approval. The uncle on the other side {name not given and I choose not to use the words my father calls him} gave me a personal favorite gift … CASH. My ex wife, her mother, her step father, her girlfriend and the rest of their family gave me a gift card to Dunkin Donuts. We have to call this one a real loss because I got each of them the Dunkin Donuts gift basket and gift cards, phooey! I’ll conveniently forget all of their birthdays anyway so that should make up for it. They all get brownie points anyway for spoiling the kids rotten, which is what Christmas really is about. The in-laws {for lack of a better word} aren’t even related to my kids but I can’t say it enough that they have adopted them all as their own. They were just happy to still be invited to Christmas morning breakfast, and couldn’t say enough about it, and my poor former mother in law still gets rather tongue tied around me because she never knows what to say. The best gift that she probably could have given me though was after the ex-wife had walked out to leave she came back in real quick like a fox and looked me strait in the eyes when she said “I’m sorry that I am always uncomfortable around you, but I want to thank you for being the perfect man for my daughter. I also want to thank you for sharing your children with us and helping me to accept the choices she made,” and turned around almost as if she was embarrassed to leave. I don’t even know if she heard me say the only thing that came to my mind at the moment which was “Thank You” ;8o)