Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Livin' With Evils's - Volume 21


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It was another gloomy afternoon in Megalopolis as everyone’s favorite Super Villain turned Super Hero, Superdaddyman makes his way again toward the uninviting entrance into The Terrorist Organization Known As The Evils’s Southern Command Headquarters {TOKESCH} for peace negotiations between the Superdaddyman and two of his most prized operatives. The first of which being the woman who single handedly keeps the criminal mastermind Captain ADHD under a state of semi control for the first half of each week day from the hours of 8am to 2pm, and the other being the woman who does her best to counteract the terminal cuteness of the fiendish Imtoocutus for the same span. It is not an easy process anymore as this year their two “wardens” {for lack of a better term despite the politically correctness of calling the teachers} happen to be SMOKING HOT, which tends to keep the Superdaddyman’s keen senses at an unusual low. The fact that both of them tend to wear short skirts all the time makes it all that much harder, but as always Superdaddyman can usually keep his composure.

Now don’t get the wrong impression from all of this here. Superdaddyman has a few other things that aid him in his duties as Defender of The Evils’s, and keeps him from placing the Superdaddyfoot in the Superdaddymouth, like the fact that the way hotter of the two {coincidentally the warden of Captain ADHD} has this amazingly blinding thing on her left ring finger that reminds the Superdaddyman what his real purpose is there. As a matter of fact that thing could be weighed in pounds and not karats, and quite possibly is worth more than the entire Superdaddycave and all of the demilitarized zones above it. Throw in The Superdaddymobile and the Superdaddylair down in Florida and he might be able to get up a down payment for the thing. Once the blinding bling of that thing hits the Superdaddyeyes we can get down to the serious business at hand which as always is keeping the ruthless Captain ADHD from taking over the world. No small feat mind you as he has now been in her custody for about 3 months, which means he has just about summed her up, and is ready to start making his strikes at her sanity. Keeping this evil under control is not easy, as he has already started demonstrating during his accidental little moments of “thinking nobody is looking” that he is far smarter than both of us.

This over intelligence that he displays last year was easily misinterpreted by the worst “warden” that I think any of the evils’s had ever had. After the diabolical Captain ADHD had summed her up and found the sanity fountain {which on that one actually resembled a fire hose} he simply opened the spigot and let all of the sanity that that woman had fly rough shod all over the detention facility. Superdaddyman had tried to get this point across to the members of the faculty, but to no avail, they had determined that he was actually too full of ADHD and was going to be behind the other students by the end of the year, thus creating the need to transform him from Captain ADHD to Captain SPED and this was going to solve their problems. What Superdaddyman had envisioned became reality {like we had any doubts boys and girls} and rather than placing Captain ADHD into a room full of his peers, they had disguised the fundamentally evil to the core criminal mastermind into a place with a new identity {namely Captain SPED} with a new and hungrier army of evil that were desperately searching for a leader. Boy did they find one at that.

Now the Superdaddyman finds himself in negotiations to get the fiendish Captain ADHD OUT of the Sped Program because he has done nothing but become the “Shadow Government” of the entire top secret training facility. Heaven forbid that they had listened to the Superdaddyman when he tried to tell them that when he was lying on the floor gyrating, rather than doing a single thing that his last “warden” had asked him to do, that it might have actually been because he realized that he had her, oh nooooooo. The fact that the stupidest little things in a teachers meeting would set her off to the point of being incapable of doing anything but talk over the Superdaddyman and the Facility Indoctrination Minister {aka Guidance Counselor} would have been a better clue. Never was it taken into account that no matter what the Superdaddyman told them about being completely incapable of making a computer “crack proof” with this vicious Lex Luthor clone around. No, it was simply that he was out of control and impossible to deal with, but his new “warden” finds it amazing that not only is he quite “in control” but far more “in control” of things that he shouldn’t be than she likes. She did of course point out to the Superdaddyman that all of the other little terrorists in the classroom have gotten quite computer savvy, and are excellent readers now that he has taught them ALL how to break into the class computers no matter what type of a firewall they use, and how to read through the teacher’s syllabus {of course the part that had her rather scared was the way he organized the retrieval of this syllabus during the recess’s and was getting copies made in the principals own office without anyone catching on for MONTHS} and did I mention to anyone that Captain ADHD is 8 years OLD?

She did try to put it all into the best little package that she possibly could when she said things like “Well he really does have excellent leadership skills,” or things along the lines of, “And aside from the fact that we don’t know how he does it, he is great at looking up news stories in Lexxus/Nexxus for us” but aside from all of the little easements of what he is good at, she was sitting there a bit out of place as she was forced to ask the Superdaddyman, “What can we do to get him under control?” which was all our dutiful Superhero needed to hear, was the exasperation of a falling comrade, and the desperation to finally admit that the Superdaddyman might be the utmost expert in “Evil Fighting!”

Fortunately for her the Superdaddyman was able to use his keen deductive reasoning abilities to realize before he had even come into the compound what was going to need to be done about this situation and had come in with a comprehensive plan on what to do. The first step was to simply NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITH COMPUTERS! The Superdaddyman has been forced to simply allow him to perfect his art of “cracking” absolutely everything he gets his hands on because quite frankly {as accomplished a cracker as Superdaddyman is} I can’t stop him and have admitted it! Don’t get me wrong, the Superdaddyman has set up every single security measure he can possibly think of to keep the diabolical Captain ADHD from cracking into the Internet at the Casa Di Evils’s and failed every time. The only smart thing that Superdaddyman has done is place his computer on a wireless connection so that he can take the wireless dongle away when he needs to, but aside from that nothing has worked. Even as the Superdaddyman was leaving to go to this peace negotiation Captain ADHD was sitting at his desk doing everything he could think of to “crack” the new security algorithm that Superdaddyman had initiated the day prior, and even though he was having a very hard time, he swore that he was going to break it. Superdaddyman simply lets him because it keeps him out of worse trouble and keeps him occupied for about an hour usually.

The second step is e-mail the Superdaddyman and let HIM deal with the creature when he gets home. There are legal ramifications for beating the shit … Um … I mean scolding the evil one in a way that might be considered too “GITMO” for the school board, while in the privacy of The Casa Di Evils’s there are no United Nations style sanctions that will save him, and if there were, they would change them rather quickly to bring him BACK! The Superdaddyman told her to simply count him, and at 3, she sends an email to the Superdaddyman who will then take the Internet dongle off of his computer. The next 3 would mean that he would trip the circuit breaker to his Television {long story, but yes simply unplugging it doesn’t work or child locks on the outlets, he is after all the spawn of Satan and an egomaniacal Super Villain turned Super Hero mind you} The next 3 would be punishments that I would rather not put in print in case “they” {in looney whacko terms .. the people from Wyoming that are reading all of our e-mail and in league with the President to create a big police state, and steal the zippers from all of our pants to oppress us} are reading this blog.

After finally negotiating the proper settlement in “Operation Kill The Boy” the Superdaddyman had to go down the hallway to deal with the warden of the evil Imtoocutus. Now of course the Superdaddyman was not going to be taking this one flat footed as he pretty much mimicked everything that the “warden” on that end would be saying the whole way down the hall “She’s a perfect angel … A real joy … Sweet ... Innocent … She’s so helpful” blah blah blah. The fact that it is the mantra of the Imtoocutus to kiss every ass she can get her hands on in a sort of “Operation Make Daddy Look Stupid” so that when she is doing the really rotten things in the background she has an audience of apologists. This is the evil mastermind after all that will walk into any quite place and so easily surmise who the most hyperactive child is, sneak up next to them and give them a good hard pinch. Then she always manages to get people to defend her right to pinch, or outright deny it for her.

“She’s a perfect angel,” was the first thing to come out of her mouth, shockingly enough to the Superdaddyman, followed by “A real joy … so cute,” {oops forgot that one} and then something that I had forgotten to remember to prepare for “We need to work on her speech problems though,” which had only taken the Superdaddyman by surprise out of his own ignorance to the fact that as always, the 5000 pages of forms that he fills out at the beginning of the school year inevitably always gets lost before the hand cramp goes away. Inquiring as to whether the teacher actually knew that Imtoocutus was born basically deaf, and had her hearing restored, got the usual dry stare. Just goes to show that nobody ever listens to the Superdaddyman, so after listening to the glowing reports of Imtoocutus for another half an hour, Superdaddyman signed the forms {AGAIN!!!} for the speech therapy, and made a break for it before someone else wanted him to take responsibility for more evils’s.

Back at the Superdaddycave the Superdaddyman was rather perplexed to see the same criminal mastermind that he had left sitting at his computer pouring over code trying to get around the “installation lock” that Superdaddyman had initiated on the computer. Up until now every lock that Superdaddyman had initiated to keep Captain ADHD from installing software from the Internet had totally failed, as the Super Genius had cracked it usually within minutes, but at best within a half hour. This of course would allow him to do his favoritest {yeah it’s not a word but he’s 8} thing in the whole wide world besides creating MySpace pages where he pretends he is 60 year old physicists from China {no I don’t get it either} which would be install viruses and spyware all throughout the Superdaddynetwork! Here he is totally stymied and making growling noises, and it has been almost an hour and a half. The Superdaddyman looked down at Captain ADHD and said “Maybe it’s just not going to work and you should give up?” which was met with a grunt, but the good news is that here it is almost 22 hours later, and he is still trying to “crack” that encryption! It’s completely kept him from doing anything else evil, and hopefully the Superdaddyman can figure out how he stumped him before he gets it because the Superdaddyman never bothers to keep track as he just expects it not to work ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest