Saturday, October 14, 2006

It Really Is The Final Countdown Again

Well last night I finally went out and purchased a new computer on my way home from work. I basically got the best one I could afford from Gateway 2000 at Circuit City for 800 bucks. It’s not a bad computer all things considered because it had the two things I wanted the most in it which was a dual core processor {AMD64} and 2 gigs of RAM. I really should have known better than to try and set up a new computer feeling as horrid as I do, but I was sick of looking at things from the laptop and trying to type on that typical laptop keyboard with a touchpad. I had figured in the end it would be a lot easier. Shows what I know.

After getting all of my e-mail taken care of I moved the laptop from its customary place sitting on the desk, and started with the set up of the new computer. The hardest part once you have the thing going is always getting rid of whatever antivirus they pre installed on the computer as well as any other built in spyware that they install that is always a nightmare to get rid of too. Fortunately this computer was pre installed with McAfee instead of Norton so that was a lot easier in the long run. All the computers I got my kids for their birthdays were pre-installed with Norton’s and I realize that a lot of people like it but I don’t and trying to remove it from a computer takes a PHD in psychology just so you don’t kill yourself. Even at that it is a little sketchy. Then I had to get rid of the AOL, the MSN, the 60 day trial of Microsoft Office {trust me if you actually start using it it will be a cancer on your system that in the long run you end up having to pay for instead of remove, because it won’t} various other free trials of things, and last but not least configure Media Center so that it would allow me to use the programs I want {like DBPower Amp and DivX} which was no walk in the park either.

By the time I was finished with all of the eliminating and was ready to do the adding, it was past my bedtime and the raging sore throat and cough were too much to bear. My entire week at work was spent doing 3 jobs because we were 2 men down the whole week so I was exhausted anyway, so when I woke up at 1am coughing so hard I couldn’t even lay down I had to hit the old Nyquil which put me OUT. At around 9 it was the phone that woke me up because they wanted me into work by 10 arg! I tried to get a few things installed but to no avail Paint Shop Pro wasn’t going to install no matter what I did so I finally said screw it and left the thing hanging at “Registering Components” when I went to work. That’s where it was hanging when I got home too. Researching told me that the driver to my Video Card was incompatible with it so I had to install a new driver. Here’s where the “cheaper components” that made it so I could afford the computer come into play. After installing the new driver the highest resolution I can get is 1024x768 and that pisses me off. I am sick of my computer woes simply becoming a running gag because my life is falling apart as I try to simply get online and do things with what little time I have.

It was a shitty day already when my youngest daughter came downstairs and saw me setting up the new computer and said “Great another computer,” which was pretty much the extra little dig I needed in an overly crowded life, and as always I wasn’t even close to being complete. I so wanted this stupid new computer so I could make graphics faster, get my stupid Instant Messaging to work, have my Incredimail work faster so that I could squeeze in the other things in life and in reality I have just been squeezing those things out, and of all the things I try to juggle I end up losing them all because nobody will ever be happy, especially not me. Picking up McDonalds on the way home from work isn’t making a very good band aid anymore, and no matter how fast my computer gets it isn’t going to save me from me either. I finally gave up on trying to get the computer finished until the kids were in quiet Movie time, and then didn’t even get it partially ready for nothing. Half of the time was spent on the phone with Microsoft just so that I could re-register this copy of Word, and write this blog.

It reminds me of my older blogs when I would so honestly describe how much I hate me, and would then get pissed off because people would try to tell me that I was ok, or human, or whatnot, and the reality of it all is that I really shouldn’t have even bothered in the first place. I never forget how much I hate me, even if I manage to make other people think other wise for one reason or another, and my life seems to pass me by. Writing one of these things takes out an hour of my life that someone somewhere is getting angry that they don’t have from me, be it my boss, my children, my grandmother or any of the other interpersonal relationships that I have had over the last year and a half. Making my little pictures was another half an hour. Reading the volumes of e-mail that I get everyday, and trying to keep up with other people’s blogs has easily been several hours a day and in the end it’s never enough. I never had time to work the overtime necessary to support my family properly, and as I have been it’s made the rest of that all worse. The void closes, the void opens, and in the end the only thing I ever really want to do is sleep and never have enough time to do that. You would think that I would have put two and two together a little better as I keep blaming my job and my environments on how I am sick all the time when I also forget that my online life started around the time that I stopped being happy and started being sick all the time and placed upon myself undo burdens for no real reason except for the ability to say I could do it and absolutely nothing else, and hardly any return.

I’m not prepared to give up on what has seemed to be a talent, whether it is my writing or any of my other artistic natures, but what I am willing to give up {and realistically have over the last few weeks even if I haven’t admitted it} was the puppy dog need to be noticed, or the desire to be seen. In the end I always end up skidding out of control when the speed of what I am doing gets my eyes too far out of focus. The exodus from Yahoo when I WAS Yahoo, the blow up about MySpace, and in the end the inability to write, all remind me of what I am seeing as I look at the screen of my new computer. Not enough, but still a lot more than I ever needed. It was all in the perception of what it is, and my perceptions have been so horribly twisted that I need to simply find the balance again somehow and ignore the audience, because in the end I start losing the truth in who I am when I am trying to play it out for others. This is not good bye, it is merely what’s new ;8o)

Have a question you want answered? Feel free to ask this sicko! Post any question you want Jeremy Crow to answer in the comments section of this blog and he will answer it totally honestly and to the best of his ability A.S.A.P. {One Question & One Answer per Blog, and no answers will be given to things that will harm others!}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. JC~

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