Monday, October 2, 2006

From The Desk Of The Jeremy Crow R&D Department - Volume 4

Scientists have deduced that all human beings are born with a perfect IQ of 500 and then it is all down hill from there realistically. You can eat all of the fish in the world that you want or get the proper amount of sleep, or read books until your eyes start to grow 9 sizes, but the fact of the matter is that you will never reach the perfect IQ of 500 ever again. Quite frankly, you’ll be lucky to ever maintain the IQ that you had the year before as the scope of everything that you should in fact know grows at an exponential value every year until the day you die. It’s a hard fact, but its life and we all have to deal with it. Aside from the usual causes of brain loss amongst the usual masses {drug abuse, drinking, smoking, prolonged and untreated venereal disease, rabies} there happen to be many stable gauges of ones IQ that don’t get mentioned very often until now.

I have developed this small list of things that I have found to be drains on the average persons IQ score that can probably help to keep what remaining IQ that you have for as long as possible. Most of these are actually part of what should be considered the IQ test in general, and are not just my opinions as I have taken painstaking efforts to collect this data from people throughout the years. Please feel free to play along.

First and most obvious, is ones ability to drive the speed limit. I say it is the most obvious because realistically we have all sat behind someone in traffic that is constitutionally incapable of even having the decency to drive the posted speed limit at one time or another. We of course immediately call this person “An Idiot” and for those of you in the know, “Idiot” is officially the lowest form of intelligence on the IQ scale. More commonly insulting terms like “Imbecile” and “Simpleton” actually are located at higher IQ levels on the scale, yet are far more insulting, and this is probably because at those points you can still comprehend that it makes you basically stupid. Now simply by the mere notion that driving under the speed limit immediately drops you {in the minds of others anyway} to the lowest form of intelligence that has more than one cell, and everyone knows it alone, is worth the loss of 20 IQ points.

The second one also involves automobiles, and is a direct correlation to the amount of bumper stickers that you have on the back of your car. I will admit that I very willingly take 5 points off of my IQ score because I always have at least 1 bumper sticker on my car at all times {usually an AA sticker}, and take an extra 5 points off for whatever presidential candidate I support. This 10 point swing is fine with me as I also smoke like a chimney which negates at least 1 a year and fuck ya if you don’t like it. You all know what I am talking about though as some people out there on the road are willing to blow every IQ point they have by taking off the 5 points for the first 5 and 10 points for every one after that. I am not just talking about the average Moonbat that has every square inch of the back of their car dedicated to trashing the president either. I have seen plenty of Jesus addicted people out there with every square inch of taken up, and don’t get me started on those people that think it should be a law TO own a gun, and not a law protecting that choice.

You have the rest of the standard automobile IQ reducers as well. 5 points for every mile you drive with your directional on. 5 points for every green light you sit through. 5 points for every personal hygiene task you can complete while driving {make up, deodorant, plucking out nose hairs, shaving, etc etc} and an extra 5 points when it didn’t help anyway. You lose 5 points for refusing to turn right on red, another 5 points for honking your horn just because the person in front of you refuses to turn right on red. 10 points for shaking any house with the “killer woofer in da trunk” as you drive down the road. More may be added, none will be removed, so simply get on with it.

Most of the rest pertain to how you conduct yourself in public. People who do things that are offensive and then “get over the top” offended in return immediately lose 20 points. Discretely breast feeding in a restaurant is tolerable to most of society. Whipping out a boob and attaching a kid to it in the line at a supermarket is NOT. Having a child that is old enough to lift up your shirt and walk under there them selves in the same supermarket is NOT. Flipping out on people purely because they are doing everything they can to divert their attention from it is NOT. If I had my way, I would knock 20 points off for each infraction, but unfortunately it is getting too common these days and having a penis bars me from deducting more than 20 points, I checked with Gloria Steinam on that one, who also pointed out to me that I am a pig for even mentioning it, so I split the difference.

Taking your children out in public to freak out and make everyone uncomfortable is unfortunately {as I can attest} unavoidable. Keeping them in that situation where they have the control of you and everyone else’s sanity is totally avoidable. 10 points will be deducted for one of a few things that happen in this situation. First off, and the most important, if you add to everyone’s misery that is instantaneous. Most people actually do know what you are going through and the very few that don’t, do not deserve any attention whatsoever. Acting like nobody understands and giving off attitude to the people around you that are equally as miserable by kids screaming actually deducts 10 points from your kid as well.

Secondly, allowing it to continue when it is possible to leave is 10 points. I have found that even in a grocery store or something that I have to do, that if I take the kids outside {sparing myself the 10 point loss} then I can threaten to kill them, throw away all of their toys, and kill their pet without witnesses to tell the police about it afterwards. This of course leads me to the third thing that immediately deducts 10 points, which is doing anything more than a whack on the ass to get attention. Physically, if you go beyond that you make others HORRIBLY uncomfortable and are now bordering on getting that ass whooping your parents never gave you which probably lost you 10 points back then. Arguing like you are the same age as them also qualifies to strip you of that 10 points in this case. Yes the idiot that told you not to whack your kid on the ass when they were running full bore out into traffic and couldn’t hear a word you said, loses 10 points in this instance as well.

Here are the list of IQ reducers that are involved in the relationships of the opposite sex. You DO lose 5 points for every time you say anything other than “You look gorgeous dear,” and your dad loses 5 points as well. You lose 5 points for anytime that you bring up anything having to do with sex and a past lover. You lose 5 points for every birthday and anniversary that you forget. You lose 5 points for every problem that comes up during a football game, and 50 if it is the Super Bowl. You lose 5 points for every time you don’t notice a new outfit or hairdo. You lose 20 points if you don’t remember how they drink their coffee {should have been 50 but I realized on a lot of people we are already pushing the negatives at this point} and leaving the seat up gentlemen … You’re just an idiot … You’ve known about that one since your IQ was 500 ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} Mental Rants & Political Rage {For Those That Like His Political Rantings} Mental Imagry & Random Perversion {Adult Stories .. Assume they are rated X} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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