Thursday, September 14, 2006

Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation - Volume 15

It was a cold and as always dark morning in the glistening city of Megalopolis as everyone’s favorite super villain turned super hero Superdaddyman steps from the Superdaddymobile {which he finally reclaimed from Greektradgedius Intraining} to face the evil that lurks behind the doors of Pink Mafia Headquarters. {PMHQ} Now mind you it has been a while since we have felt the need to update you all on the misadventures of the Pink Mafia, but the winds of change are on the horizon and the smell of evil infests the nostrils of our brave young champion of good, defender of the evils’s, guardian of the fair maidens in their business skirts {reflecting BRB} .. as they saunter gracefully through the downtown area of Megalopolis {reflecting again}, and of course, the sworn enemy of the fiendish Pink Mafia!

I’m sure that many of you think that some plot that the Pink Mafia had perpetrated to bring down the Superdaddyman has been effective and that is the true reason that Mental Masturbation has not been wrought forward with blinding wrath on a weekly basis for months now, but in reality it has been a different story! The Superdaddyman has had to go into deep cover as that simpering idiot Jeremy Crow to foil a newer and even more fiendish evil that the ultimate Capo DiPhaqa has been trying to initiate on the poor and defenseless citizens of Megalopolis {including the hot leggy beauties in the business skirts … reflecting … done} to which I can barely even give you the details of now. Never fear boys and girls, the Superdaddyman has remained ever valiant to stave off any and all of the diabolical natures as they are initiated.

Now of course the song that was stuck in the mega brain of the Superdaddyman as he was moving forward to the door was Only by Anthrax as it has somehow become the bumper music for the fat bald guy who rants about Massachusetts that the Superdaddyman listens to on the way to PMHQ which really wasn’t a bad thing, so we have decided to continue with that as the backdrop. The sight of the plumbing and heating guy {aka TheFunIsOver Dude} standing by the air conditioning unit of the new Capo Disfunctionale that the Capo DiPhaqa brought in to try to keep an eye on the Superdaddyman stopped the music dead …

"Everything is perfect .. Everything is sick, that's it .. You can't tell me to stop it .. You can't tell me not to quit, that's it .. Revolve around yourself .. It's you and no one else .. Hard for me to stay .. Swinging moods that change .. From calmness to deranged .. Unpredictable, unpredictable .. You would see if .. Only .. You hadn't taken things out of my hands .. Only .. You never wanted to underrrrrrr-Uh Oh" … and that was basically how it went as he saw the 3 dead crayfish that Superdaddyman had … um … heard … yeah Heard … Were stuffed in the ventilation of the air conditioner, thus making it hard for the new Capo Disfunctionale to stay in his office for long periods of time because of the stench … Or so Superdaddyman heard of course.

Now of course this is roughly two hours before the Capo Disfunctionale usually appears at the gates of PMHQ so the fact that he is standing by the serviceman, inspecting things that appear to be inside of a trashcan without his nose firmly implanted up the Capo DiPhaqa’s posterior meant that there could only be one thing left “Hey Jeremy!” and this is where the lack of the Superdaddyman speed when in the guise of that idiot Jeremy Crow has finally bitten the Caped Pervader squarely in the ass “Do you know what these are?”

“They’re crawfish, and they smell really bad,” fell out of the mouth of the inept but useful at times Jeremy Crow {fortunately The Superdaddyman still has his superior intellect even if he doesn’t have his blazing speed to “duck and cover” in these circumstances} “You should get your wife to take one of those cooking courses at the community center, like King George did” trickled out as an after thought. The look on the face of the Capo Disfunctionale was of pure exasperation. The stories of the unspeakable evil that the Superdaddyman can conjure up in the name of good have been brought to his attention on numerous occasions, and he had fancied himself un-prankable {the fool} until now. He raised his finger to say something, and nothing came out of his mouth. He has already seen the Jedi Style mind tricks that can happen in circumstances like this from weeks before.

It was a few weeks previous when Jeremy Crow was simply trying to make his way through the day when he heard the page to go to the restrooms out front. It happened to coincide with the company bar-b-q that this happened and as he arrived on the scene he saw out of the corner of his eye {That keen Superdaddyvision that can have any fair maiden fully undressed and processed within the blink of an eye, even at speeds of up to 65 miles per hour can obviously be used for less important things} and laughing of course. The restrooms of PMHQ had been flooded so badly that the entire break room was covered in an inch of water and it was up to the Superdaddyman to deal with it, bar-b-q or no bar-b-q. At a furious pace the Superdaddyman conjured up all of his speed that he could muster while being confined to the form of a simple janitor {Jeremy Crow} and was finished just a bit after the catered dinner had been served.

The seething rage as the Superdaddyman tried desperately to keep the inner super villain at bay reminded him calmly of the words of Sun Szu “Never be seen eating with your enemies, for it only disrespects yourself, and gives them ample opportunity to poison you” and it was at that moment that the little neon bulb came flickering on over the head of the Superdaddyman, and with a simple jump into the utility closet he emerged! Then of course he went out to get a Diet Pepsi {cuz it was free of course} before he undertook OPERATION GET JIMMY! {OGJi .. because everyone knows that OGJ is Operation Get Jeremy as perpetrated by Greektradgedius Inyiddish on behalf of Mophaka Al Queholic} Upon being confronted by the Capo DiPhaqa about not staying for the food the Superdaddyman decided to beguile him with intelligence by saying “Never break bread with the enemy .. Sun Szu” and made the escape as he contemplated why his janitor quotes Sun Szu.

It wasn’t the most sophisticated of plans but in times like these you need to stick with what works and try to stay away from the spectacular. There was about 45 minutes between the time that the underlings of the Pink Mafia would be returning to their posts, but 45 minutes is a long time when you leave the most disgruntled employee alone in the PMHQ, so the attack was a very necessary evil. Now the plan required a pile of ball bearings, some paper towels and a little privacy. The location would be the mechanics bathroom on the other side of the wall from Jimmy Thedoomed’s desk. Dumping a handful of ball bearings into a paper towel allows them to flush past the first u-joint before the paper towel breaks free and then the ball bearings end up clogging the main u-joint … um … so we have heard of course {insert innocent looking angel smiley here} and should of course allow the water free passage until someone who had hit the fiber a little hard {beer works} decides to use the bathroom. Ball bearings happen to work well in this instance because Jimmy Thedoomed has a habit of carrying pockets full of them around with him for some ungodly reason and they always fall out.

That day ended with the Capo Disfunctionale asking the Superdaddyman {quite brazenly I might add} what his “problem” was. The look on his face was priceless when that super keen wit and lack of respect for him in general produced something that sounded very much like “I wasn’t the one who threw a party with an angry janitor alone in the building” before the Superdaddyman ended his day on the way home.

Needless to say our brave young super hero was not there to enjoy the massive sewage flood that ended up seeping under the cheap walls and from what he heard had totally filled the mechanics office. Apparently the bathroom had indeed been used by one of the Dominican’s who had had an extra helping of his Ozo {Orange Juice Mixed with Milk} that morning and it was very putrid. The smell still lingers in there to this day, and upon bringing in that simpering know nothing Jeremy Crow to the office of the Capo Disfunctionale it was the quick and keen mind of the Superdaddyman that was able to use the one thing that he had been banking on all along to be his alibi. “Show me the video tape of me doing it? You have every bathrooms entrance on closed circuit so that you can catch people doing this sort of thing, so if I did that yesterday then you should have the tape of me doing it. Otherwise you are just harassing me for no good reason and I am not going to put up with it,” and that was enough to get the subject dropped because on that day, just like this one, there was no tape rolling on the video cameras. There never is, because they are all too stupid to restart the tape, and were too cheap to get one that restarted after it was finished.

Now remember boys and girls what Superdaddyman always says … Nobody in their right mind ever makes an enemy of the company janitor, because he is behind every wall listening to every conversation, and is cleaning the offices and reading the memos on all the desks. This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Superdaddyman ;8o)

Have a question you want answered? Feel free to ask this sicko! Post any question you want Jeremy Crow to answer in the comments section of this blog and he will answer it totally honestly and to the best of his ability A.S.A.P. {One Question & One Answer per Blog, and no answers will be given to things that will harm others!}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. JC~

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