Wednesday, September 13, 2006

And The Merry Go Round Broke Down - Volume 7

About a year ago, I wrote the very first “And The Merry Go Round Broke Down” about hanging out in Yahole Chat rooms and what I learned from basically living in a world that wasn’t completely founded in reality. Mostly it was a joke about how we all basically did the same stupid things day in day out, and the same cast of characters came along to either act the same way or treat others the same way and we would interact in such a manner to simply believe that it was the real world, when in reality it wasn’t. I had jokingly turned the whole thing into a military style ranking system and the things that you had to accomplish to get from the beginning phase of being a newbie, to the ending phase of basically being a newbie in another chat room after forming a resentment and leaving the old one. It was a metaphor to what was actually going on around me at the time, and it was rather amusing.

As I had left all of the chatrooms completely and start to become a daily blogger I then continued the volumes throughout the stupid cartoon like things that went on in the “blogging community” {thus the name And The Merry Go Round Broke Down} and often pointed out the stereotypical things that happened out loud. Since then I had a period of losing my mind over the whole writing thing and found myself being drawn to an Incredimail Group on Yahoo for the same reason that most people do {pornography} and within a month I was a Mod in a semi High Volume group because I could amuse people with my quick wit and ability to poke fun at myself. I had done the whole group thing before but not at the level that the Incredimailers did. Blogaholics Anonymous was a rather large group with more mail than necessary on any given day, and that basically made me an expert on the whole subject {yeah right} and after a half a year of research I am ready to report my findings. Buckle up, this is going to be bumpy.

The most notable thing that any man needs to know about joining Incredimail groups {adult ones especially} is that the women are going to outnumber you about 45 to 1 and they all appear to be horny, into S&M, and have lesbian tendencies, or as we men like to call them all in the real word “goodie!” or other assorted names that usually mean “goodie!” in manspeak. With ratios that high it often means that even a shlub like myself can get hit on often, but I need to remind all of you men of my age old internet affair principal of “remember that all women online love football and sex before you leave your wives to find out that it probably was your wife you were chatting with who now of course loves anal sex and pouring your beers when she thinks the man isn’t YOU just like the rest of them” This of course doesn’t mean that you can’t meet your soulmate in one of these groups, just accept that things that are to good to be true are better left behind a monitor.

The deadly sin of Invidia always comes into play regardless of what facet of society you are in so please keep in mind that the “other” guy in the group with you and the 99 nymphomaniacs who make stats of naked women all day and talk about blow jobs probably considers you the enemy. This will become apparent when he disappears and returns pretending to be a woman ripping all of the things you make {to impress the ladies of course} in an attempt to see you have a melt down. Don’t worry though, because just like the blogging world {especially if it is a Yahole group} that person will continue to do that a million times until realistically they are now in love with you instead of the women that the lack of attention from drove to this in the first place. Should this happen too often to you in particular it probably means that you are a hell of a lot cooler than your mom ever expected possible. When you actually meet men online that don’t get jealous of you and acknowledge your existence … appreciate them … they are rare.

Everyone basically falls into classifications whether they know it or not {or probably admit it is a better word}, and this guide should help you along through your transition from “bored homebody” to “completely isolated and neurotic shut in” …

The Lurker .. These are the most predominant members of the Incredimail community. They join groups for the sake of joining groups {usually looking for porn} and they basically are just there. Most of them stopped using the e-mail address associated with the account months ago, but the owner of the group keeps them there because it makes it look like membership is up {guilty} .. More often then not, they never amount to anything really.

The Attention Grabber .. These are the people who come along and dump out a bunch of stats and other things so that people can see them, and then they disappear, usually after a long letter about how much they loved everyone and the feedback, and are going to miss everyone, despite the fact that they usually didn’t interact more than … “Thank You for the comment on my stat” and usually the biggest tip off on their exit is their reminder to join their always list, or making sure they say an extra special goodbye to the people in the group they own.

The Cheerleader .. A very important member of any group, and I have found that the most successful groups have several of these. These are the people who love absolutely EVERYTHING. And they are going to tell you. Awesome, Great, Love It, That’s Cool. They usually derive their happiness from making sure that other people are happy about themselves. Yeah ok, in the real world they are probably co-dependents but we aren’t talking about the real world here we are talking about e-mail groups damnit!!

The Stat Bomber .. These are the people that make 50 stats at a whack and then dump them all in the groups at once. A few of them are pretty good … a few of them are total crap, and then there are the ones in between. After about 6 of them in a row, they are all crap anyway and usually get the old click – ctrl – click – del .. especially if they do it often. Sooner or later they have a message rule with their name on it and a folder to match, and it pretty much gets emptied on the weekends when you notice that there are 500 messages in there and your Incredimail is getting a little slow. Some stat bombers may interact with others but not often.

The Apologists .. These are the ones that usually make bunches of stats and send them in after they send in the note about not having time for groups or they are just quiet. Well no shit you just spent hours on stats! There’s an amusement factor as they usually always notice the comments to their own stats perfectly well, but I digress, these members are very important to the next members ..

The Hapless Snaggers .. These are the ones that do nothing but recycle stuff from group to group. They are usually members of at the very least 30 groups, and usually just send in monster sized piles of snagged stats. Most of the time people sorta sit there bewildered at the fact that anyone even bothered to snag a lot of them and often they grab ones that are personalized for other people and share them like they are blanks. Don’t bother trying to explain any of this to any of them, on the off chance that they even notice a reply, they usually get very pissed off that you are daring to chatter in a stat group, but most of the time, they will never see you at all for whatever reason.

The Comedians .. These are the people that lay in wait for something that they can attach a quick one liner to and perhaps get a cheap laugh out of it. I wouldn’t know anyone like that, but I hear it happens.

The Rippers .. These are the people that take something that someone else made and spends more time trying to make it look like they didn’t so that they can take credit for it than it would actually take to make something of their own. Usually this is caused by Barbi syndrome, as they are jealous of someone for some reason or another and they rip apart their creations because they know it drives them nuts.

The Rip Critics .. Most of the time these are people who had their work ripped and are fuming mad about it. You’ll never be able to convince them that Olivia or Garv probably aren’t too thrilled about their ripping of their work, and maybe it’s best to just consider it a wash, so don’t bother. Just sit back and watch the last two “war it out” publicly like Spartans.

Now of course there are indeed many different hybrids of these various degrees of IMGs. I have met about 4 people who can do it all {well aside from the last two, but they have to take sanity breaks every once in a while before they become IMG terrorists, you can almost see it in their posts before they “go away” for a while} .. You also find characters on the merry go round that change up their roles every so often .. Most of the time because the gig is up … It’s all just electronic mail, thank God ;8o)

Have a question you want answered? Feel free to ask this sicko! Post any question you want Jeremy Crow to answer in the comments section of this blog and he will answer it totally honestly and to the best of his ability A.S.A.P. {One Question & One Answer per Blog, and no answers will be given to things that will harm others!}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. JC~

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