Monday, July 10, 2006

Things You Learn From Watching Soccer - Volume 1

I’ll be the first person to admit that I don’t exactly “get” soccer, but before anyone thinks that when I say that I don’t “get” soccer based on the rules or the game play then I must inform you that it isn’t very hard to figure out soccer’s rules. Like most sports that are concocted by petty socialist dictators to try to deter people from the realities of their blinding poverty, the rules can’t actually be that complex because the education of said players also has to come into question to be under the control of said petty socialist dictators. The allure of soccer and it’s ability to be played with the standard equipment of “ball, sneakers, goal” is not a totally lost concept to American’s in general, it’s just that our petty socialist dictators have come to use basketball to serve this purpose, and spend billions of taxpayers dollars to put up nets in vacant lots instead of goals in fields. Now that that is out of the way I actually wanted to point out why basketball is the viable alternative to soccer and why in America we differ so from the rest of the world.

Rather than the totally mind numbing effects of a 0 to 0 tie at the end of an hour we prefer to see the totally mind numbing boredom of 100 to 100 tie at the end of 40 minutes you see. The effects are basically the same as many of the people who frequent these events start fights in an attempt to come out of the horrific doldrums of being beat to death with the chaos of your own mind as you stare vacant wishing for something actually interesting to occur. Yesterday’s World cup also showed off many of the amazing stereotypes that we tend to think of soccer and it’s players in general, as it was down to the soccer worlds version of a good game of “horse” which thank God the basketball community did not decide was a wonderful way to decide a game. I can’t imagine the National Football League {the football with the brown ball that is actually interesting, not the partido de, that soccer is known as} deciding it’s games by the field goal kickers doing “trick shots” although for the past 8 years my football team would have won everything with Vinatieri 15 yards behind center.

The really amusing stereotypes in my view though were the French and the Italians themselves. There’s nothing like taking a world stage to show of the very things that your countries are secretly known for, but nobody has the balls to say out loud, and just throwing them into the face of everyone. The team that actually won the thing is made up of nothing but criminals from Italy that are all under investigation for “throwing” the games back in Italy so that the bookies can “fix” them and screw the people out of their gambling dollars. This of course unfortunately for the people of Italy are how the world for the most part sees’s them anyway. A bunch of Mafioso types, fixing all of the popular sporting events. Corruption in every facet, racketeering, collusion, and criminal activity so dominate the sport of soccer in Italy that calling it a sport is as big of a joke as calling yourself a sportsmen if you walk around in the woods with a gun. Business as usual for how we all look at Italians though, right?

Here’s the real shocker for you all and I hope you are sitting down as you read this, but the leader of the French team did something amazingly stupid and arrogant and now the entire country is looked at as losers because of it! Who would have seen that one coming huh? France didn’t actually stand a chance though as I had said before, based on the fact that 80 percent of the American people think that soccer is stupid and stopped playing it back when we found out that you couldn’t keep score in elementary school, and moved onto any other sport we could get our hands on. The result of American’s not caring about soccer unless they are really stoned and had gotten past the non competitive nature that we were forced to endure in the early years resulted in the fact that France not having the Americans to come bail them out half way through the game and then being able to claim victory. This has been their trend over the last 100 years.

It get’s even funnier today as the French people continue to just blather out the stereotypical behavior that makes them such inept losers, and why we are lucky that we have them to send our Johnny Depp’s too in the first place. As the country is totally outraged over what had happened with their team captain who carried the mantle of the French people exactly how I personally would have thought a French person would have, we find out that it isn’t because his amazingly stupid maneuver of head butting an apposing player cost them the game. Of course not, as the French are perfectly happy being losers, what in turn has them all up in arms was that he stupidly lost the game. I imagine that when they planned out the dumb ass stunt, that they wanted him to trip over his pants as he was mooning the American flag or something because the people of France are outraged over {get this} the fact that he did something overly passionate in front of the youth that were watching the game. The nerve of that bastard! What next? 40 hour work weeks and company pride!

I’m sure in a few years when the Arabic Muslim community {that now makes up 40 percent of France} finally takes that country in the name of Allah, and it becomes another Muslim Theocracy, we will all be looking back on this and laughing. French players will be executed when they come back after losing a World Cup as they are in Iran and at one time were in Iraq, and what is left of the pacifists with the brown drawers who once made up the French socialist political structure will be sitting in their homes in Switzerland rooting for France every bit as fervently as all of those former Brazilians’ that block the streets throughout Massachusetts every time their former country, that they fled because they so desperately wanted to be Americans, do. Damn I guess soccer is good for something after all. I learned a lot. ;8o)

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