Monday, March 6, 2006

Of Things I've Lost and Those That Never Leave - Volume 3

Now being another year older doesn't actually bother me. it's that gateway of getting there that does. I have given all of the evidence necessary to prove that I really do have one of the most screwed up families on the planet, and every year I have “reminder points” that come and go so that I never forget God's sense of humor as it pertains to me. If we go back about 23 years to my thirteenth birthday when birthdays in general stopped being fun {based on the no longer “little and cute” theorem only averaged out on the mathematical equation of half way between 2 when I stopped being cute and 24 when I stopped being little} because there was no glory in gaining another year. My gifts had started declining years before this and my family by this time had started exposing themselves as “idiotic DNA mishaps” by this point as well. Like any good dysfunctional, most of my most traumatic memories come from birthdays and Christmas, and the fact that it should be different {based on the assumption of normalcy} makes it ten times worse every time.

Take this year for instance. I already dread my impending birthday the entire way {like Christmas} based on the shear financial burden that it is going to entail. The kids are going to want to have a party for me so that they can eat what they want to, and I understand whole heartedly that that is part of the “daddy duties” that I kinda signed up for. Ok so this means that I have to buy pizza and make myself an ice-cream cake so that the kids will be happy, and that's fine I have done this now for 7 years so I understand that. Here's where it gets rather sickening. Greektradgedius Inyiddish and Greektradgedius Intraining both decide that they are going to take over the planning of said event. It doesn't mean that they are going to pay for any of it, so it becomes this totally fucking sick extension of a Socialized medical approach to organizing a party. First and foremost they have to determine that only the most expensive pizza in town will suffice, and they write down thier list and hand it to me ... THE BIRTHDAY BOY! This gets complicated further by the fact that the place doesn’t deliver, and if you are dealing with people that will hand a list of demands to the person who’s birthday it is and expect HIM to go and fulfill these demands at his own cost, then you probably know why it is just easier to go along with it. Let’s complicate this {or make it more sinister} by now reporting on the fact that this place, on this day {meaning my birthday} didn't have mushrooms {the ONLY ingredient I wanted on my pizza} or Peppercorn Ranch dressing which was the only thing I wanted on my salad. Of course I ate what I ended up with like any good father would when they are going along with a sadistic form of birthday harmony for the sake of their children, but that isn't the point. It simply adds to the fact that birthdays for me suck a dick.

The Ice Cream cake had to be chocolate {my least favorite Ice Cream} or else the Evils's were going to add the added benefit of having a splitting birthday headache with all of thier whining. Again it is a concession that I was willing to make simply so that I don't have to deal, and can just try, like al birthdays to get the damn day over with. At this point my birthday has cost ME 70$ and I haven't actually gotten anything to make ME happy. The gifts came during the dinner, and it consisted of a rock that Darius found at the beach {which was kinda cute because he wrapped it up for me} a bag of Snickers bars, a copy of the DaVinci Code {already owned and read, but I give credit on it being a good choice} and 4 cards. Now bearing in mind that this is from the 11 people I paid to feed for MY birthday. The scary part in contrast, is that it doesn't even compare to the 3 Wal-Mart gift cards, 4 Dunkin Donuts Gift Cards, and 5 Software packages that I had sent to me BY ALL OF YOU! All I had to pay for to get all of that is the cost of this website, which was refunded to me by you all clicking on the ads anyway! That is seriously fucked up. Since almost all of you who sent me something for my birthday have either implied or flat out asked to remain anonymous, please allow me to still give a blanket thank you to all of you here, where my life seems to take place a lot of the time anyway.

This all of course is above and beyond all of the other things that come due because I got a year older. I get to drop off a check to the DMV this week for a little over 500$ so that my cars are legal. I get to send out the check for just over 900$ so that I can hit things in those cars {which I still think is a bargain, for when I finally do go postal one of these days, Allstate will replace my car and pay off the victims}, and when you live this dangerously close to Massachusetts that could be any day now, and of course the fact that most cars that have a Massachusetts license plates are a dangerous weapon with no form of intelligence guiding them either.

Then we factor in the “normal” birthday issues that I think most people {even them icky ass normal people} go through. I actually took pictures of myself from my cam so that I could post “This is Jeremy at exactly 36 years old pictures” and all I could think while looking at them was “Fuck dude, you look old all of a sudden” and that was no way to start the day, but it did prompt me to go out to Wal-Mart {and use one of my gift cards} to buy myself some grooming supplies, in an attempt to show some vanity for a change. While I was at it I bought some for Lazius Boycrazius too, since she refuses to bathe {like all 13 year old girls from what all the other parents tell me} and unfortunately is starting to smell and look dirty a lot of the time {again like I notice all of her friends do too}. I bought several containers of that Axe Body Wash for me, {Some flowery smelly girly crap for her} a couple of the huge bottles of the Suave version of Biolage shampoo and conditioner, {one of each for each of us} two new state of the art Reach toothbrushes and the really good vanilla flavored Crest super whitening toothpaste to go with them, a couple of those loofah brushes {for us people who are finding it harder every year to reach certain parts of our bodies}, and I brought it all home and divvied the two bags up into one for her and one for me. I then said to her “Ok from this day forward you and I are going to take better care of ourselves” to which she replied “Um, ok dad” which even though that is the way a 13 year old says “Fuck You Dad” I still believe that I got something accomplished yesterday, other than the usual ulcer. ;8o)

Have a question you want answered? Feel free to ask this sicko! Post any question you want Jeremy Crow to answer in the comments section of this blog and he will answer it totally honestly and to the best of his ability A.S.A.P. {One Question & One Answer per Blog, and no answers will be given to things that will harm others!}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. JC~

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes ...
Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog}
Mental Notes - MySpace Edition {Weekends}
Mental Notes - Yahell 369 Edition {Weekends}
The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest