Saturday, March 18, 2006

Good & Bad Irish People - A Tribute To Lori

Well today we celebrate the birth of one of the greatest Irish people the world has ever known, and I wanted to be one of the first to say Happy 39th birthday Lori! Note that I am respecting the right to privacy by using the Jack Benny model of halting her aging process at 39, because it is the least I can do. I actually understand really because once you get past the age of 39 it really doesn’t matter anymore, you are just old anyway, and in several years when I get there I am probably going to be eternally 39 myself. Here’s to the greatest ex-girlfriend a guy could ever have! Now of course her birthday coincides with another Massachusetts Irish tradition and that happens to be St Patrick’s Day, which if any of you watch the news and see the stupidest ass shit happening on St Patrick’s Day it came strait out of Boston.

Now I happened to talk to Lori yesterday so I know that she was in her town on that day but she did make up a very lame excuse about cleaning a bird cage to take off in a hurry. I am a bit concerned that she might be out celebrating St Patrick’s Day the way she did the 6 or 7, 39th birthdays before the last one when she had opted out of amateur status, but she is a big girl, so I will wait for the update today. Now for those of you, who do not know what Boston tends to look like on St Patrick’s Day, let me explain it to you? It pretty much looks like South Boston every other day actually, just a hell of a lot more of it. Now let me give you the finer details of that.

You see Boston gives all of the schools the day off. The story that they try to tell everyone is that it is for all of the Irish who have taken residence in the political structure in Massachusetts {translation … all the Crony’s and Criminals} and it is true that there are a lot of famous Irish people who have sucked at the public nipple in Massachusetts since they all either left the criminal world or co-occupied it {see Kennedy or Bulger} but it actually is a much simpler reason. YOU CAN NOT LET YOUR KIDS OUT OF THE HOUSE on St Patrick’s Day in Boston. What you see is a huge extension of South Boston as all of the Irish and wanna be Irish take to the streets to be drunk and fight, as it is an acceptable day to do so, as apposed to the other days when they have to sit in the Southie bars and wait for their kids to steal something off of someone’s car and lead them into the bars to be throttled and mugged. It’s a prototypical right of passage into the Southie culture that was made famous by Jimmy “Whitey” Bulger and actually goes back to wonderful prohibition days when the Kennedy’s actually made their fortune.

I’m sure there are a lot of people who are a little distressed by what I have laid out here but it is about time that people start getting honest about a few things. Tomorrow will be the FIRST St Patrick’s Day Parade in Boston that the police have been told to arrest people for the open container laws. This is to inspire people to bring their children to the St. Patrick’s Day parade which is common knowledge that you DON’T DO! I will bet you money that there will be more violence than has been seen in Boston in over 2 centuries tomorrow if any of those officers even have the stones to try to enforce that law. I doubt it anyway as they will be too busy breaking up the usual fist fights every 20 or 30 feet all down the parade route. If not arresting someone for trying to jack off a Police Horse on a dare {happened a couple of years ago} or having to actually stop the parade for a brawl in the middle of the street.

Now for the casual spectator who likes to watch it on television {many countries televise this event as it is quite hillarious as long as you aren’t there} the side amusement is to watch the Gay people who are out and about everywhere being totally insane. I don’t for the life of me know why, but for anyone who thinks I hate Irish people, you really have to see how much Gay people hate Irish people. Every year the furiously radical Gay rights organizations protest the parade and try to get floats in it. After they are refused they get {pardon the pun} totally fruity about it all and roam the streets intermingled with sloshy drunk Irish people and almost as sloshy drunk wanna be Irish people stirring up problems. It always leads to a bunch of them getting the hell kicked out of them and then crying to the state about hate crimes. I have a lot of Gay friends {the ones that aren’t stupid enough to hang out in Boston on St. Patrick’s day thank you very much} and even they agree with me that it is like hanging out in a middle eastern country with a star of David painted on my shirt yelling “Islam Sucks!” as I walk down the street, so I tend to not feel sorry for them and actually watch the genuinely farcical display of 21st century “Lions Vs. Christians” as it happens.

Well now that I have given you a decent example of what it is like to be Irish in the area that good Queen LoLo lives in, I think it is more important than ever for us all to stand and give her a round of applause on her 9th or 10th , 39th birthday, and give her far greater praise for that which she must overcome to be the wonderful woman that we all adore! I hope that all of her 39th birthdays from here on out are even better than this one that I truly hope is your best one yet, and who knows I might even get out there one of these days to give you the laptop that I got you for your birthday so that you can stop pretending that your computer is too screwed up to talk to us! Well as soon as I get my Christmas and birthday presents ... Ya Dork!!

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. JC~

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest