Sunday, February 5, 2006

Wanderings Of The Deranged - Volume 1

Well no good deed ever goes unpunished as we all know, and I made that jaunted trip behind enemy lines into the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts last night so that I could rescue the fair Polly Pureheart from having to face the concept of having her anniversary celebrated with a lame cake and a boring speaker to present her with her medallion. Superdaddyman if anything is loyal to his faithful sidekicks to the very end even if it means driving several hours through monsoon like driving rain on roads that were designed using the equal opportunity system {The engineers that design Mass. highways happen to be Mentally Handicapped individuals who received their degrees from French Universities and have the work ethic of an East Timorian, in other words} so driving rain makes them quite a bit scarier.

For the life of me I can’t understand the brilliance that goes into placing all of the onramps to highways 100 yards in front of the offramps FROM the major highways. Getting on to Interstate 95 and trying to merge into traffic while all of the traffic trying to get off all in the same 100 yard patch? Pure brilliance, especially when combined with the sink holes, filled with water that are strategically located in the same vicinity to make stopping or steering an impossibility as well. You can appreciate the Massachusetts policy on population control at this point as well, since their welfare system is so well funded that every inbred loser in the state CAN afford to own a truck 4 feet off the ground, just to take advantage of the right to NOT have mud flaps on the back also.

I was able to make it home this time without the major panic attack I had the last time I attempted this, but it required a lot of daydreaming. For those of you who have never been in this part of the netherworld, I should tell you that there are NO good radio stations, so you have to deal with listening to a new song that might actually be cool {say … Twisted Transistor for instance} followed immediately by something that is old and totally sucked to begin with{say … ANYTHING by Pink Floyd for example}, but having it rammed down your throat again, for the 4oooth time makes it all that much more lovely. Saturdays are particularly tedious as they have to mix in the stuff that I am trying to forget, from the 80’s as well. So while trying to see, avoiding drunken hicks in big Ford trucks, avoiding the oncoming traffic getting on the highway while I am trying to get off, I also have the desperate need to change the radio station every time Winger, or Led Zepplin, or some other old and totally overplayed shit comes on the radio!

Ok, I have finally gotten past that entire Boston debacle, and I am for the most part on the road that I will be following for the next 70 or so miles, so I at least don’t have to do the onramp-offramp shuffle anymore, but the “packs” are out now. People in Mass. like to drive in big packs, you see, which involves the “rolling roadblock” at the front. Four cars will drive under the speed limit side by side, making sure that the hundred or so cars behind them all swerve in and out of each others lanes. Desperate societies with no hope of advancement {socialism} always use this form of population control to get rid of the really aggressive people, and take out some of the more timid ones as well.

I happen to be at the back of it, but the scary part is when you look in the rearview mirror and you see the next “pack” closing in on you with the “rolling roadblock” that drives about 5 mph faster than the one in front of you. Once you are enclosed in this driving shroud of terror, they all will sway in and out of your lane while you have at least 40 cars in either direction of you all bunched into spaces inches away from each other. Your mind looks at that huge vast empty space in front of the “rolling roadblock” about 25 cars ahead of you, and I for one start getting furious. Giving in to the carnal need to kill Massholes at this point does me no good as I have the smallest car in all of it, so I can only dream of being Mad Max and fucking these a-holes up, like God would want me too!

I’m about 25 miles into this pack which has accumulated several more packs and is resembling a traffic jam if not for the fact that I can see MILES of empty highway just 10 cars in front of me where, the seriously old, stupid, drunk, and Masshole representatives of Satan, are holding back the progress of us free citizens from across the border. My mind has now calculated the entire document that I am going to write when I get home, proposing the declaration of war against the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, or at the very least reestablishing the barbed wire perimeter that never should have been taken down in the first place, when the person in the far left lane decides that he needs to do a combat move we around here named after the state. He Massholed clean across the highway {all 4 lanes} to get off at the exit! This fucking asshole that tied up the fast lane doing 58 mph for the last 40 miles had all the time in the world to {well aside from get out of the passing fucking lane to begin with} ease his sad ass over to the exit, but he is a good “Citizen of the Common Well” and cut everyone off causing a near fatal 300 car pile up, that he had actually been causing to begin with! Don’t bullshit me either, I know they teach you guys how to do that in Mass. drivers ed too!

I’m finally within 10 miles of the Noooo Hampshah border, and I can almost taste the sweet freedom, when all I see is the sea of red taillights ahead of me, thus signifying that someone Massholed at the Salisbury exit, and it didn’t go as smoothly. I stop at the back of the pile of honking furious drivers {who quite frankly should shut the fuck up as they weren’t in any particular hurry to get the fuck out of MY way either, while I am desperately trying to get home to grab my kids and two of every animal so that I can build an Arc, like God and the weather told me too!} and it is a game of “let the wait begin!” because the God of Massachusetts {Satan} on the other hand is against this plan, so I sit and wait, listening to The Bullet Boys {may MY God kill me now!}

Frazzled and totally out of it I finally make it past the gun towers and the signs of GW Bush hanging from a tree, that they post on the borders {trick they learned from the Lebanese at the Israeli borders I think} and I am finally back in Noooo Hampshah, fighting off a new hail of IMs setting off my cell phone, and just trying to get home. I’ll start writing my proposals for the declaration of war, now that I have finished chronicling the horrible events, but until then I have this important public service announcement from me … Superdaddyman!

PSA #2897 … Hello Boys and Girls. It is I, Superdaddyman and I have decided to speak out against a very heinous crime that is being perpetrated on all of the good people of Megalopolis! It appears that the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is out of control once more handing out very dangerous weapons to every one of their citizens over the age of 16, and we need to put a stop to it immediately! These things are called “Drivers Licenses” and we need to make our feelings known to the world by not allowing this violent act to go on any further! You may laugh at the Superdaddyman now, but this is a very serious and troubling problem that needs to be taken care of, or the next Mary Jo Kepechne could be your daughter ...


Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..
Jeremy


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