Wednesday, February 1, 2006

The Truth About Cats & Dogs - Volume 9

As I have been learning all to well since my unceremonious demotion to company janitor, there are huge differences in the way men and women behave as pertains to community accommodations. The most amusing part of it all is that you need to understand that many stereotypes are true, and many more are not. I’ve at times in my life accepted politically correct assumptions based on the genders simply to make my life easier, but now that I am forced to clean up after both, I have made a few observations that I am willing to share with you all. I will also rely on some of my past experiences to aid in what will probably be one of the biggest “truth hurts” blog entries that I have ever come up with. Allow me to apologize to many of you ahead of time, for the things that are going to be ripped from my brain and uploaded to the web.

I think I shall start by ripping the men on this one, but don’t think that the women are going to get off easy. I have seriously come to the conclusion that men progressively get worse on a daily basis, as it comes to being slobs the more you clean up after them. As I was cleaning the men’s room at work today, I simply noticed that every single mundane task of cleaning up after a plant full of men steps up at least 1 notch every day you do it. It doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to see why a woman would up and decide that they are not going to deal with their husband anymore and file for divorce, and take it from a man who has made a living out of that, it took a lot to get to that point.

You have to micro-manage the average man’s life or else gluttony will set in. For example, if you don’t leave enough toilet paper in the men’s room they will simply grab the paper towels, and use them, and try to flush them down the toilet, thus clogging it up, and heaven forbid they plunge it. What’s even more disgusting than this is they will actually use a plugged up toilet, and continue this trend until it is simply a big shitty spit ball, with a turd on top. Now I must be weird or something, but I can’t even go to the bathroom in a toilet that has pee in it, much less one that 3 or 4 different people has left a shit in! If you leave too much toilet paper they will start shredding it into little piles in the corner next to the toilet. What the fuck is up with that? None of the men will ever pick up something that missed the trash can either, and as I said every single one of these things actually gets WORSE the harder you try to keep things clean!

Women on the other hand there is absolutely no solution for. Talking to other janitors, we have come to the conclusion that most women in a work scenario downright hate the women they work around, and more over have NO respect for anything that is not specifically theirs. Not one of us has ever, NOT picked up used tampons off the floor, and most of us have had to scrape one off of the wall. I have deduced that most women do not do this at home, so it is unfortunate that I have to believe that there is a level of hate that is ingrained in the gender. I would assume it is a sort of contest or something, or else the 1 woman that everyone would like me to believe that it is menstruates 30 days a months. The behavior would lead me to believe that, but simple biology tells me otherwise.

Now the two differences and commonalities here all pertain to “when people can’t see you behaviors” and it’s interesting to watch the way they act when people could possibly, or because I lurk, actually do see them acting in such a way. Taking my experiences watching people’s behaviors in the common areas, like the break room, the lunch room, and the smoke shack, will tell you some other interesting things about cats & dogs, that I am sure I am not the first person to point out. Men are just plain ignorant to the world around them, and women are either more devious, or self righteous.

If you set a trash can near any of the common areas, the men in almost all circumstances walk by it tossing their trash into it, and if they get it in or not, they simply walk off without thinking about it. In rare occurrences, they will pick up what they didn’t get in and make the situation right. Women on the other hand will, hit or miss, look around to see if someone is watching them. On the occasions they see me, they pick up what they missed, or actually want a certain level of kudos for what they get in, and on the times that they don’t see me, they leave what they miss. That is infuriating after a while, as you know by this behavior that they know better. The men might actually know better too, but at least they don’t appear as devious in their idiocy.

I know after being in 3 marriages where believe it or not, I happened to be the person who did all of the cleaning, I would find slovenly behavior to be the biggest turn off of them all. My second wife being the greatest example, didn’t work, didn’t clean, and didn’t get sex. Pretty simple huh? I know that it works the other way around too, for I have known a lot of women who have done the same. It’s understandable actually, because after a long days work followed by cleaning an extremely filthy house, that was not only NOT cleaned, but amplified by a sloppy loser and her loser friends, it was very hard to feel sexy, on top of the whole “No fucking me … Fuck You!” attitude that comes from the whole ordeal. I have been able to usually shut a whiny woman or man who doesn’t get laid up real quick by asking the simple question of “So how much of the housework do you do?” For some strange reason, they just never want to go there, or at the very least give up when they find an unsympathetic ear to their excuses for not.

Am I actually advocating cleaning for sex, in some convoluted way of bringing out two topics that people relate too? Absolutely not, I am just linking the two major factors that I have noticed throughout my whole experiment into being a janitor. The people at work, who are always bitching about NOT getting laid are usually the ones that I have noticed are so disgusting in their habits that it makes me say “Who’d wanna screw you?” and all the ladies up at the offices are constantly leaving me goodies and staring at my ass while I am bending over cleaning the toilets. Probably wouldn’t hurt to point out that on the extremely rare occasions that I came home to a clean house, I was able to get the types of memories that fueled my tales of tease as well ;8o)

p.s. Mental Note … most of my fantasies start with cleaning things together {like dishes, and laundry} and NOTHING is sexier than dirtying clean things up together either!

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest