Friday, February 17, 2006

Mental Notes Myspace Edition - Advertising 101

Well after moving my blog over to my own address, I still use Blogger to host all of the comments. This means that I upload my pages to Blogger and use the Blogger interface which then places the pages onto my site for me and it is pretty simple really. Somewhere along the line I managed to add Adsense® to my site by accident and really didn't realize I did it at first. The little ads at the top of my page were not unattractive so I didn't really care, and the added bonus of being able to track the amount of hits to my page was pretty cool too, so I left it there. After a while I was futzing about with the interface, and I looked into it a bit and realized that in under a month I managed to make 116$ which actually shocked me and made me do the sacred "Ooooooo Me Got Money" dance. These new found riches coupled with my total egomaniacal nature {now that I am a "paid author" or so I am telling myself the ad revenue is .. lol} has forced me to have to investigate the whole concept of sales and revenue, as well as the concept of advertising.

First thing I need is a product, and to properly make a product "saleable" it has to be something that you are A. Passionate about ... B. Knowledgeable about ... and of course C. Will be a wanted commodity! So that very easily narrows it down to "Something Borderline Pornographic" and apparently one of those lightning bolts that were mysteriously flying in my vicinity yesterday {Superdaddyman Takes on The Pink Mafia – Volume 6} must have hit me as I realized exactly what the world needs, and will sell like hotcakes ... Vagina Flavored Candy! The insatiable drooling that followed ... um ... ah ... well ... because of all that money I am going to make ... Geeze, get your minds out of the gutter we are talking about serious stuff here! Where was I? ... Oh yeah! ... Serious stuff damnit! ... So after I make my first million {followed very closely by "said million" being converted into tens and twenties so that I can roll around in it naked for a few days} I will then of course need to advertise, since by this time I am rich and everyone is beating down the doors to the local Store 24®'s all of the "Big Corporate Assholes" that CNN is always telling me about, will try to steal the patented "Vagina Flavoring Techniques" from me and try to put me under by cheap knockoffs! Those fuckers!

First of all I will need a catchy name and slogan, but at the same time you have to know how to work around those freaks that censor everything, so after spending some valuable research budget {I went to the vending machine outside of the closet at work and bought some Funny Bones®} it came to me pretty easily actually {told ya I know this stuff ... sheesh} as my new product and catchy slogan shall be "Poozees® - When the Tang is the Thang©" and it is going to be more recognizable than Budweiser® by the next Super Bowl® Damnit! Now all I need to do is figure out how to strategically place the notion in everyone's mind that eating Poozees® is a good thing. Might be hard to do, but I am at the very least persistent!

I'll need to make them in different flavors though, based on different celebrities, and porn stars etc. and of course this is going to require product testers {you know to insure flavor accuracy} but I was out of luck when I called my good friend Ron Jeremy {well he did steal his name from me yanno!} as he is sick of looking like a demented care bear with a pencil hanging off of him. He has decided that it he is on a diet, and hopefully in the next few years will be able to see his own dick again, and we here at JeremyCrow4Life {makers of the WORLD FAMOUS Poozees® brand candy} would like to wish our friend Ron all the luck in the world. Oh um those of you looking for a job as ... um ... "flavor consultant" ... it pay's really shitty but the job benefits really can't be matched, so simply e-mail to with your qualifications!

Oh my God ... better yet, I'll sell customized Poozees® brand candy! Simply call us up, and we will send over one of our taste testers to sample your girlfriend, wife, sister, mother, grandmother {hey we don't judge ... sheesh!} and then they can come back to the lab and help us develop the delicious {well sometimes I guess} Poozees® treat for you, and then we will conveniently send it over in packs of 69! Fuck William Shatner ... this is going to be big ... REALLY BIG! I suppose that I should start already planning the expansion as the company seems to be growing out of control just in the time it takes me to write this blog entry.

Perhaps we should try to start a pharmaceutical division, and market Poozees® as an actual clitoral {run that one by the sensors ok … vagina passed based on the fact that 4 out of 5 Americans don't actually know what a Vagina is!} cessation program. "If you find it impossible to stop eating CENSORED then you should try all natural Poozees® brand lozenge. It's the candy that 4 out of 5 doctors recommend over the Orally Fixated Vaginal Addiction patch, and clinical studies have proven that simulating the natural flavor of Vaginal secretion is 85% more effective then quitting cold turkey"

Well I have a feeling that I am going to be busy with this one for a while, but I'm sure that it will simply take on a life of its own. I sincerely promise not to forget any of you when I am spinning that big wheel on Wall Street {or is that wheel of fortune?} to start the trading day at the New York Stock Exchange® when Poozees® goes IPO. I'll keep you all updated though here and on my other blogs, you can trust me on that one ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest