Friday, January 27, 2006

To Kill A Crow - The Arc Of A Madman - Part 1

It was when my third wife left, that I started withdrawing from the real world, mostly out of the abnormal fear that a normal thirty four year old man would have when you are already heading for your third divorce. I was running a rather decent sized web site in my spare time that Google was at least sending me a check for a couple of hundred bucks a month in advertising revenue for, and I started my new job at a place I have often referred to as Pink Mafia Headquarters, but I was realistically at my wits end. I didn’t mind being alone, and quite frankly I had been rather used to it during the last marriage, I was just a little sick of being to poor to pay for sitters, and pretty much stuck alone with my three children.

Now when I say all alone with my three children, I mean ALL ALONE with my three children. Their mother is NOT allowed unsupervised visitation, so I pretty much had them until a family member out of the goodness of their hearts would take them for the weekend. Since there are three of them and their ages differ so dramatically, they can be a real pain to take for any amount of time so having all three of them gone is rare at best. After I would get the kids to bed I would sit an work on the computer until it was time for me to go to bed on most nights, but one night I decided that I wanted some adult conversation, so I dusted off my old copy of Pirch 98 and I was ready to rock and roll in IRC. It’s too bad nobody else was anymore.

After realizing that ICQ {which had been my IM of choice at the time, and not anyone else’s anymore either} was rather useless in the interaction department, I went to the Yahoo home page and downloaded a copy of Yahoo Instant Messenger, and this began the cycle that would encompass the next thirteen months of my life. First I found a few old friends on Yahoo, and they talked me into going into the chat rooms. I stuck with the things I knew and found FOBW {Friends of Bill W} which was the room for AA people, or at least a lot of them were sober. Wasn’t too hard to interact, after a month or so I was a usual, and quite popular. The women drooled over my profile pictures, the guys found my ability to poke fun at myself pretty cool, and within three months I had logged at least forty hours a week in the FOBW room, and knew everyone by their real names. I also had my cyber girlfriend in there, which lived a mere 3500 miles away, like most normal relationships, and I was the lord emperor of fantasyland. Two months later, I had been out to meet the woman that I was so in love with, a week later we had broken up, and all chaos broke out.

Needless to say, over time people had forgotten that I was that creep that broke her heart, or at the very least got pretty damn sick of hearing her talk about it, and I was climbing the popularity ladder again in my fantasy world. Yahoo came out with a new beta version of Yahoo Instant Messenger, and unlike everyone else around me, I downloaded it and loved it. Everyone else hated, but I thought it was great, and in it came a new toy called Yahoo 360, which I also thought was great, for a few days anyway. While I was totally in love with it though for those few days, I filled it out completely. Photo galleries, pictures, quotes, books, music, and of course, I made my first ever blog entry {which happens to be the first blog entry on BlogSpot, if you are curious}.

My first blog entry was exactly what I thought a blog was. I wrote in it like it was my diary, and since I was going on the 16th anniversary of my sobriety I decided to outline the last year of my life. In it I talked about my last two girlfriends, but not in a harsh way realistically, it was just outlining my propensity to be a love addict and how I was swearing off the women as vehemently as I did the booze. This totally blew up in my face within hours of posting it, for you see the 360 page, unbeknownst to me BECAME my Yahoo Chat Profile. I also didn’t realize that EVERYONE looks at your profile. I never had done that, so it took me by surprise as my ex girlfriend and a bunch of her friends went absolutely bugshit at me as I had called my “other” ex girlfriend the most beautiful woman I had ever met. The worst part of it all is that I couldn’t delete the blog, because Yahoo didn’t let you delete them yet.

In a panic I wrote another blog “Things You Learn With A Bad Back” which later, when I wrote a part two I changed the title to read Volume 1 at the end. I had hoped that this would stop all the bullshit, which it almost did, but something interesting happened, because now people were reading this and telling me that I was a brilliant writer. Like any man desperate for attention, I started writing daily, and within a week or so I had fifty friends link to my 360 page, all from the FOBW room. Within another few weeks people started filtering in that weren’t from the FOBW room, and mostly made up of the people from the Astrology rooms. Dissention started almost instantly, as some of my new friends started trying to add my old friends. Most of my old friends wanted to know from me who these people were because they were different. No matter what I said, a lot of them wanted nothing to do with the new people. Oh well, I didn’t care, because I was reaching out.

I was starting to get more than ten comments a blog now, which was some really big shit to me at the time, and I didn’t have a clue what I was in for. Another group of people started joining my 360 page “The BDSM” crowd, which I happened to find quite charming, and even wrote stories for their groups, which I had joined on a whim. This furthered a lot of the rifts in my circle, and I ended up drifting away from my first crowd for the most part, and quite a few of them drifted with me. Next came the Witchcraft people, then the Video Room people, and the next thing you knew, I was over two hundred friends, and was getting at least a hundred blog comments on a slow day. It didn’t hit me until then that I was becoming quite a hub of Internet Blog Activity, but I was really starting to enjoy itTo Be Continued

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..

All writings Copyright © 2006
Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest