Monday, January 16, 2006

Superdaddyman Takes on Lazius Boycrazius - Volume 5

So its not an easy day at the Superdaddyman Cave for the evil known as Greektradgedius Inyiddish {GTIY} has unearthed a diabolical plot by one of the Evilss known as Lazius Boycrazius {Big Evil} to foil one of the underlying tasks of our mild mannered Super Hero in the battle against the Evilss! This is one of the hardest parts of the whole Super Hero gig for Superdaddyman, as the whole role of Virginity Defender is a little up in the air on the best of days.

A brief history shall we You see Superdaddyman .. Defender of The Evilss .. The Master Of Business Skirt Perversion .. The Last Hope Against The Pink Mafia .. The Man Without A Plan and of course Virginity Defender not only has to deal daily with The Terrorist Organization Known As The Evilss {TOKE} and their evil biological agents that they bring home from school, as well as the many sinister plots against his sanity that involve the use of such weaponry as CUTENESS! - STUBBORNESS! WHINING!, and the dreaded WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? array, but also has to deal with the dreaded Mophaka Al Queholic {MAQ} at the same time!

Now keeping in mind that the evil leader of MAQ is disguised in the body of a 76 year old woman, and actually goes by the name Greektradgedius Inyiddish, and she too has some pretty awesome weaponry at her disposal, such as The Guilt Trip The Long Boring Story {which Superdaddyman obviously stole the plans for and built his own one of those} The Irrational Temper Tantrum and of course the dreaded NAG! NAG! NAG! NAG!! array. Do NOT assume that these two terrorist organizations actually get along! Yes, they do combine in little Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend maneuvers to take down the Superdaddyman, but they are as fragmented as the many terrorist organizations that are publicized more widely on the TV News. You ALL are very lucky that Superdaddyman is here to save you all from these evil Organizations while the governments are busy with the other terrorists, leaving these ones to create chaos!

As Superdaddyman walked through the doorway today the guns just started blaring {NAG! NAG! WHY? WHY? NAG! WHY? NAG! WHY?} at him from all directions, and if it were not for his greatest super power of them all {Ignorance} he probably would have been dropped into a co-dependant coma, right in front of the doorway! Upon explaining to them all that he will take their negotiations for peace under advisement in the special language that he has learned to speak to these organizations {whatever I just got home from work, and I am going down stairs to drink a coffee, so ZIP IT!} and proceeded to the Superdaddyman cave to process the information.

So if he has this correctly, the fiendishly evil Big Evil has been wearing make up to school, and has been trying to hide it. This presents two very ominous issues for our friendly crime fighter as he now has to worry about the opinion of a woman who was a teenager in the 30s and one who just became one in the 21st century. As I see this on top of this is the problem with, Big Evil being about 1 year away from the age where her mother conceived her, her grandmother conceived her mother, her great grandmother conceived her grandmother UH OH alarms sounding VIRGINITY ALERT! VIRGINITY ALERT! and that settles it, we are going to have to have another one of those wonderful talks that a single father with NO maternal presence just A-FUCKING-DORES!!!

Superdaddyman, very quietly tries to execute his way through the hostile demilitarized zone known as The Living Room to try to make it to the staircase upstairs, but the blaring weaponry cuts through the chilly air of said DMZ NAG !NAG! NAG! NAG! and with that our Super Lovable Super Hero makes a quick b-line up the stairs, and into the criminal headquarters of LAZIUS BOYCRAZIUS! This is very hostile territory, as she has learned the art of turning everything into menstruation talk, and creating a bumbling stuttering mess out of Superdaddyman, but his resolve is quite sound this time, as he says Look we have to talk .

Daddy I need you to pick up some tampons for me ok? she throws right at me without the faintest of hesitations, thus signifying that she knows she is going to get a lecture. Her evil plan to dissuade the Superdaddyman well um worked like a charm actually, but I continue on, I am Superdaddyman after all!!!

Look, your grandmother is driving me up the frickin wall nagging at me about you wearing her make up. If you dont start getting sneakier about these things she is going to make my life hell and in turn I am going to make YOUR life hell GET IT! {Translation To Normal English I never noticed so you obviously are putting it on in a respectable manner, so I could give a shit, but your Grandmother never would have noticed if you werent too fucking lazy to put the make-up away when you were done with it. Grow a fucking brain, or get a new hobby, because getting away with shit is not for the lazy um DAMNIT!!}

She nodded at Superdaddyman without so much as a word otherwise which means one of two things a.) I get ya dad or b.) Fuck ya dad but either way I am NOT getting an ulcer over it right now, for it is all how you look at these things. I could simply worry obsessively about it because the age and the estrogen are NOT conducive to a healthy level of communication anyway, or I could do plan B. Simply wait for her to get caught again because she, if anything, never learns from her own mistakes, and then get a lot of the things that I have been meaning to do around the Palace Di Evilss done by slave labor. And some of you people think Superdaddyman is not an optimist. ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest