Monday, January 30, 2006

Sick News & Commentary - Volume 2

Well it saddens me to have to report that I am ready to release my findings on the whole “Who Killed Jesus” debate that I have been researching now for many years, and it became ever more important to me since “The Passion of Christ” had brought these questions back to the forefront. You have the two schools of thought that usually prance around these arguments that I have taken into consideration heavily, and finally got some really good use out of my Doctorate in Theology piecing together all of the concrete evidence that has befallen me. First I shall have to dispel the two popular myths about who killed Jesus that seem to be bandied about the most.

First off, it was NOT the Jews that killed Jesus. Even if you are to be the most passionate of Anti-Semites you have to accept a certain level of foolishness in this argument. Yes it was the Hebrew Politicians that turned Jesus over to the Romans so that he could be tortured and crucified, but it had hardly anything to do with the people at hand of Jewish faith. Most of them were downright appalled by what happened and that is quite well documented. Politicians are politicians, so to assume that they would NOT give someone over to the Romans that was claiming to be the messiah and {in their minds} poisoning the minds of those that were actually sane {again in their minds} while at the same time covering their power mad behinds is quite understandable, but an entire denomination of people can not be held responsible for the acts of a few. Also I must note that later in my findings you will see that they were just pawns anyway.

Secondly, you can not legitimately blame the Romans although many like to as they, for the most part are all dead and cannot really answer for their sins. It gives it that “Why did Jack Ruby kill Lee Harvey Oswald” flavor to it and all, but aside from the Romans that remain in the deepest parts of Sicily and throughout crime families in the United States {who I am sure just adore the verve’ that the ancient Romans used in “setting an example”} holding the Romans responsible for such a death is again far to simple. Again the Romans {and Pontius Pilot} have been held responsible for being duped right along with the Jewish people; by a couple of much more depraved masterminds that I need to get out into the open right now. You need to understand that the information I am about to give to all of you is going to be quite disturbing though as you ALL trust your children with one of these two, and the other has remained a secret for too long already until now …

I have deduced through expert reasoning that there really only was one person who had a lot to gain by taking out his only competition, and along the way more brilliant deduction led me to the accomplice in the whole diabolical scheme that has rocked the western world for over two millennium. I asked around to and found out that the man who actually plotted and schemed to have Jesus killed also has no alibis what so ever, and more over, there isn’t a single witness to his whereabouts during the whole crucifixion scandal in the least. His accomplice like him, has his own personal jealousy over the whole distribution of grace and ceremony as well. I know you all know exactly where I am going with this, so I will just spill it right now. The two masterminds behind the conspiracy to kill Jesus are none other than his older half brother Horatio Christ, and Kris Kringle!

Yes I realize the shock of the whole thing might be a little unsettling, but think about it for a moment. Kris Kringle {aka Santa Clause, The Jolly Old Elf, Father Christmas, Saint Nick, etc etc etc} has always harbored such amazing jealousy that his biggest night of the year has to be named after Jesus Christ to begin with, but when you throw in all of the dozens of songs about the holiday that pertain to Jesus compared to the mere handful that actually pertain to Santa Claus, then it should be obvious enough, but I can continue. Throw in the “weight issues” and you are dealing with a serial stalker that all of you out there should be ashamed of yourselves for trusting your children around, much less teaching them to respect, and even correspond with! Why don’t you all just have your children send letters to Charlie Manson asking HIM to give your children surprises, I’m sure he would LOVE to give them what HE thinks they deserve as well!

Throughout all of this the dupes of this world simply allow this crazed lunatic to fly around with his gang of horny associates insulting the women of the world by calling them all “Ho’s” as he inconspicuously still dresses in the BLOOD RED uniform, simply throwing it in all of your faces! For shame on all of you, but now that the truth is out there I have done some more research to further prove my point. After a phone call to the President of the United States {because as CNN tells me he is in on everything that has EVER gone wrong in this world} I quoted him as saying “Jesus Horatio Christ, what the hell is wrong with you?” which was his first big mistake! I was onto the vibe that he gave me from that statement and realized that he was talking about THE ACCOMPLICE!! So with hardly any research at all, I was able to finally see so clearly what everyone missed throughout all of this and I called in Big Foot, and the two of us hopped into our black helicopter to go to Jerusalem and find out for ourselves what was really going on with this Horatio Christ!

Well it appears that the people of Israel are all still in on the cover up, but through keen intuition I did manage to put one and one together and deduce that Jesus HAD to have an older half brother and through the years his name “Horatio” somehow managed to get misquoted as Jesus Christ him selves middle name. Realistically, there wasn’t any other conclusion that any sane person could come to than infidelities in the past of Joseph {aka The Father of Christ, The Wanderer, Mary’s Husband etc etc etc} as it would be without a doubt the ONLY explanation of a man who will accept that his virgin wife, just happens to be giving birth to the son of God! The acceptance of said “Miracle” probably came after a conversation with Mary that ended in her saying “Oh and I can’t be having the baby of God, but that slut from the other stable just happens to be miraculously pregnant?” Such logic was impossible for Joseph to defend, and along came the dirty little secret … Horatio!

You may ask what would prompt the brother of our Savior to actually plot and conspire with “The Jolly Old Elf”, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see what it must have been like to be the older brother of Jesus? I couldn’t even assume to understand what it would be like to finally learn how to swim, and while trying to seek approval from my absentee father, just to have Mr. Goodie Two Sandals walking beside me on top of the water! Or imagine the absolute humiliation of trying to score beer for your prom just to have your date all horny over that depraved looking hippie brother of yours simply pouring wine to her from the water pitcher. I bet poor Horatio lost every date he ever had to his brother getting them drunk and taking them back to HIS place.

I am not going all Al Gore on you all though, I believe in retribution despite the fact that Horatio’s daddy never loved him, and poor Kris Kringle has the mother of all … um … well … God Complexes quite realistically. These two need to be stopped NOW, before more innocent saviors are taken down and we spend another 2 Millennium arguing stupid things like who did what, and who was in on it, and things like smoke from a grassy knoll and gunfire from two directions, as well as … hmmmmmm … yanno I think that Santa and Horatio might have taken out Kennedy as well, but that would make the unwashed crowd of the 60’s very happy to know that he was the second coming of Christ after all ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..