Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Musical Methadone & Mental Masturbation - Volume 8

So I’m in my usual state of “thoroughly un-amused” when I walk into the office down the hall to see that the “Gift Brigade” has begun again. Well realistically it never ended, but there were some days here and there where nothing was left with a not for out friendly super hero disguised oh, so creatively as a janitor at PMHQ {Pink Mafia Headquarters}, and today seemed most curious. It is another one of those wonderful days that will have another meeting of OPNP {Operation Pleasure & Pain} so the morning office clean ups are usually done as briskly as possible.

The song on the trusty cheap ass MP3 player is from my Disturbed collection as we had determined last time that KoRn was not an intelligent choice “Drowning deep in my sea of loathing .. Broken, your servant, I kneel .. (will you give in to me?) .. It seems what's left of my human .. side is slowly changing in me .. (will you give in to me?) .. Looking at my own reflection, .. When suddenly it changes, ..Violently it changes ..Oh, no. There is no turning back now, .. you've woken up the demon in me.“ {mental note … No more Disturbed on OPNP day either STUPID!!}

Upon the jar of Hershey’s Peanut Butter Kisses in the office was a note which read “Jeremy … I was thinking of you, and thought you could use a treat” which at first I thought referred to the candy in the jar until I saw placed directly upon the trash beside her desk, a Victoria’s Secret Bag perfectly folded so that as you looked down at it, you saw the writing. Congratulations! For some ungodly reason Superdaddyman is thinking of you too! I must have looked like the Grinch when that fiendishly evil smile came across my face during that session that looked like something out of Terminator 2 {yanno when the Terminators brain starts scanning the database in it’s brain} to find the perfect way to give her the kiss off, once and for all!!

Scanning …. I have a girlfriend? {Nope never works, displays the challenge that most women adore in a man} I am totally flaming gay? {Pffft … see the reason the last excuse was denied and multiply it by 10} I have a raging case of herpes? {Damn that Valtrex shit made that one obsolete a while back} I am a single father with three children? {Oh yeah … that ALWAYS WORKS … hahahahahaha … Dumbass!} Success! … Scan Complete … Evil Accomplished … as I walked out of the office and placed the entire jar {ok … minus the handful I put in my shirt pocket … I am not a rock after all} on the conference table for everyone to grab at. It has been the experience of Superdaddyman, in his wonderful “Girl Watching Abilities” that women really LOVE IT when you show appreciation for them like that! {Ok … just a little muahahahahaha!}

I end up at the site for OPNP and I was already ahead of the game {I remembered to wear tight underwear today, so that the Superdaddypickle wouldn’t get lose to frolic down the pant leg} but here comes Queen Leotard with a smile on her face … damn I HAVE to get this MP3 player on QUICK, but as I am fumbling around with it she starts right in “Oh don’t worry about turning that off I CAN TALK LOUDER!!!” and that eerie feeling you get when that total bitch in 5th grade realizes that her fingernails running down the blackboard will drive you NUTS flows throughout my inner being … only LOUDER!

I managed to use the wonderful art of manipulation that had been handed down to me from Greektradgedius Inyiddish to find out that I had agreed to watch her kids on Saturday {which quite frankly was fine by me … watching two evils’s, so that their incubator, can go out on a date with someone OTHER THAN ME is a fair trade off} and getting that siren of insanity turned off was sweeter than the Disturbed that I started playing again.

I did my tasks as I usually do, and when I handed the training log to my therapist so I could go get my rubdown, he said to me “Oh my God, you really do crack me up, do you mind if I show these to everyone here?” to which I told him I didn’t care, and then I saw a wonderful opportunity to post it myself here to show how my insanity really does translate in the outside world …

Recumbent Bike - 15 minutes – 16 MPH – warm up – Check … Works much better with tighter underwear and looser pants!
Stretching, Calves/Thighs/Hamstrings – per desired results – Check … desired results would be that Veronica demonstrates in something sexy next time!
PRM 90rpm {that stupid arm bike thing} - 16 minutes – Check … Eye Of the Tiger Accomplished … I Pity Da Fool!
Bicep Curls – 8 pounds x 10 – 10 ponds x 10 – Ok I used the 25’s and the 30’s by 15 because the ladies weights were being used!
Seated Rows – 40 pounds x 15 – 50 pounds x 15 – Oops I’ll get the vision checked I accidentally did 140 & 150, but the answer is … Yes that’s too damn light too!
Leg Presses – 240 pounds x 15 – 260 pounds x 15 – Check … I accidentally forgot to defy your authority on this one, but I do have chicken legs.
Treadmill – 15 minutes – 3mph – 2% incline – Check … um kinda … I did 4mph and a 7% incline because my boredom was causing me to start dancing, and people were staring.
Stair Machine – 4 minutes – full body weight – Check … and if there is a God then my ex-wife will be spending eternity on one of these stupid things in HELL!
20 pound lifts – floor to hand level x 10 – I went to 30 because I was staring at one of the secretaries coming in from out the window sorry, lost count.
15 pound lifts – hand level to shoulders x 10 – First of all I did 20 because I was too lazy to swap out the weights, and I did 30 or 40 of them because that secretary was only here for a minute and was going back to her car.
10 pound lifts – shoulder to full extension x 5 – Check … you bet your ass I did these right … note to God, this is my second choice for ex-wife’s punishment in HELL … thank you!

And away I went back to work {ok to my closet to play on the phone} again, after my work on OPNP was finished. The funny thing about today was I actually got a bit of a real workout on all of it, so I didn’t feel so guilty about the dozen or so Hershey’s Peanut Butter Kisses that I ate on the way back to PMHQ. Hope you all had a great Hump Day! ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..

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