Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Livin' With Evils's - Volume 18

It is almost 1pm on a typical Monday morning here in Megalopolis as our favorite crime fighter, has come within a mere hour of his full day of fighting off the Pink Mafia, to make the world a safer place from the diabolical forms of evil that they, if left unchecked, would unleash upon the huddled masses! The sound of Korn’s “I’ve done my time” played on an elevator from hell starts ringing out in the pocket of Superdaddyman, signifying that he either has an urgent call from one of his partners in the war against TOKE {The Terrorist Organization Known as The Evils’s} or an absolutely filthy IM from the good people at AIM! Either way, he was ever vigilant to claim the surprise when he snatched the Superdaddyphone, powered by the evil rotten cocksuckers at SPRINT who stole NEXTEL from him!

After Superdaddyman shows his fluency in the not so dead language of Saxon, because it was not the dirty IM he actually would have preferred, he answered the Superdaddyphone with his usual charm and good grace … “What now?” which brought the usually sullen tone of the agent known as “The School Nurse” across the nether of digital frequencies to the Superdaddyphone.

“Well you’ll be happy to know that it isn’t Captain ADHD that I am calling about,” the voice on the other end replied, “Imtoocutus, has been spotted bringing a gang of enemy invaders into the school that she had carefully hidden in her hair, and you are going to have to drop what you are doing and head right over!!” and with that proclamation, Superdaddyman could sense that it was a dire emergency which requires his immediate attention! He makes his intentions to save elsewhere to the Capo Di Tutti Frutti {aka King George}, and he is off to save the place so carefully codenamed “School” from the wickedly evil Imtoocutus, and her gang of enemy invaders known as LICE {Little Insects Caught on Evil!}, to which Superdaddyman has become an expert at dealing with since Lazius Boycrazius was Imtoocutus’s age.

The best part of all this is that Superdaddyman should be able to get in and out of the dastardly “School” before the gang of his admirers is standing out front, trying to get his attention in a fiendish plot to create gossip in “Operation Make Hubby Jealous” {OMHJ} which is a common theme around Superdaddyman {The only single father in Megalopolis that appears to not have to be single} that he tries to avoid as best as possible. What he didn’t realize was that no trip to the fiendish “School” was ever that easy.

First and foremost our poor disheveled super hero, as always during these times, had to sit through the “Bad Daddy Lecture” that comes with picking a child up with such contraband as LICE. Of course Superdaddyman simply uses his charm to agree with his total lack of parenting skills to simply get out of this God forsaken place as quickly as possible. He could of course have reminded The Agent Known As School Nurse, that he was pretty sure that his children were NOT the ones behind the 17 LICE notifications he got sent home with at least one of the evils’s over the last month, but no the “Bad Daddy Lecture” was just easier at the moment. Upon finally having the hostage remanded into his custody, Superdaddyman now carefully tries to sneak out of “School” before one of the handlers of the crazed madman known as Captain ADHD can see him.

“DAMNIT!” Was the only thing that entered the mind of our favorite Superdaddy as he hears his name called out, just before he could make it through the doors and out to safety. It’s the rather daffy agent known as “The School Guidance Councilor” who wants to explain how Captain ADHD punched a kid, and showed up to school without his snow pants! OH MY GOD! WITHOUT HIS SNOW PANTS??? The mounting tension of another “Bad Daddy Lecture” looms as the Superdaddyman uses his keen sense of logic to try to avoid this conflict. {For those of you who do NOT have a child in public school, it kinda resembles that scene when Obi-Wan Kenobi convinces one of those idiots in Star Wars that he is mistaken with his mind} “He had his snow pants in his backpack this morning I packed them myself, who was the kid he punched?”

“Well I can’t give out that information to you ….” The horribly under matched guardian of granola, with all of the tact and charisma of one of those people that Superdaddyman had prayed died off in the sixties when most of the infantile hippies were forced to get jobs.

“Well look, let’s make this easy then since I really need to get back to work,” Superdaddyman began using his keen ability to lie his ass out of a situation, “If you go back there and Mr. Anonymity is wearing a pair of Spiderman snow pants that look amazingly like the ones that Captain ADHD got for Christmas, then I think you have killed two birds with one stone.” Faced with such amazing logic, “The Guidance Councilor” was forced to let Superdaddyman leave to deal with the long arduous task of LICE removal. Little did Superdaddyman know that the last laugh today would be had by that evil little man!

After a good solid hour of fighting off the enemy combatants in Imtoocutus’s hair with shampoo and an itty bitty comb, and finally slathering his own head with the noxious concoction that strikes fear in the hearts of all lice, he gets a call from none other than “The Guidance Councilor” who is demanding that Superdaddyman come BACK to the school {coincidentally during the time when the fan club is out front} and collect Captain ADHD because he happened to be fighting on the bus with a little boy wearing SPIDERMAN SNOWPANTS that his mother is probably going to be shocked to see him in!!! …. ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest