Saturday, December 31, 2005

Things You Learn From Your Ex Wife's Girlfriend - Volume 7


Well I guess it is finally time to pull myself out of my funk, and I needed to do it asap, which required drastic measures. I finally accredited my funk to a few key factors, the first of which being that I really have had to mellow down on the total perv factor, which is unhealthy for me. My life long goal is to become a dirty old man someday, and the fact that all of the women around here have put the legs away for the winter is definitely the pits. I kinda got my shwerve on when I redid my page, and then when Chrystal came to me for some minor revisions on her last perverted gem, but there was still something missing.

I finally had a nice long talk online with someone that I really missed yesterday and afterwards I was in such a wonderful mood that I decided I should go get a new plug for my speakers so I could switch easily between headset and surround speakers. Upon accomplishing this task I was driving around with my windows down as it was 50 degrees out, which for Nooooo Hampshah is unseasonably warm. My mind started wandering and I realized that … SHIT IT’S WARM OUT!!! My mouth started watering up as I realized that maybe the beautiful women of downtown might have seen the weather report and pulled out the cute little business skirts that drive me mental, and are walking around!

I drove into downtown with the soul purpose of grabbing a coffee and sitting on my favorite bench to do some girl watchin’ regardless of the skirt size, or the sheerness of the ladies nylons, but I was actually in for quite a treat, as apparently they not only saw the news, but knew I was coming! There were gorgeous legs EVERYWHERE, and yes with the invention of winter-alls, my mind was not quite wondering as aimlessly as I had so adored over the other three months, but it WAS something that I could work with here. The best part was that the drool wasn’t freezing to my chin as I had been so concerned with earlier, because after all I do have SOME pride yanno!

While on the subject of pride it is times like this when I am usually found by either a lesbian friend or an AA friend who is going to try to “save me” from me, and usually just ends up interfering with my “browsing of the candy store” and why should today be any different? Of course when it comes to peeing in my cheerios, there is the one person who can come along and turn my whole perverted little reality into some sort of twisted life lesson with irony, and oh goodie, here she comes now. The girlfriend of my 3rd wife, and when I say girlfriend, I don’t mean “go out and get lunch and giggle about boys” I mean “sleep in and make lunch of each other and pick on the boys” and being the amazing co-dependant that I am I happen to be friends with them both.

Now this could be worse as she plunks herself down in the bench next to me mind you. At least EX3’s Current has a much better acceptance of my perverted behavior and very keen vision, as the first thing she does point out to me is the particularly leggy brunette with the spaghetti strap shoes {OH GOD I LOVE THOSE!!!} and then takes a plug off of my coffee.

“Well it’s good to see that you are trying to get some writing material at least,” she said to me matter of factly as she pointed to another woman wearing knee high boots. My look of disgust made her laugh, as I have always thought that knee high boots were a total waste of good leg real estate. “Yeah, I get ya dude … Maybe you should like talk to a woman instead of sitting here gawking at them all the time, I hear that they don’t bite, unless you are into that,” and with that she got a fiendish grin that could only mean one thing. She’s a biter, and that is too much information without saying a word thank you very much! With this new information in my head I proceed to try to find anything else to focus on. The blonde in the very long tight “mind kinda wanders a bit” dress did the trick.

“So why aren’t you at work, or are you unemployed now EX3 loves that in a … oh wait wrong choice of words” I said back to her in a very Passivogressive manner, but it made her giggle. Figures I married a woman who plays professional women’s tackle football on the same team as her girlfriend and secretly they are both girlie girls. Yep, she checks out women with me, while she giggles and blushes, which basically means that most of these raging hotties walking by probably assume that she is MY girlfriend. How in the name of God has my life come to this?

We sat a while, and I shared some rather personal information with her, which will never leave her mouth, because that is the one thing I know about her for sure, well unless she talks in her sleep then I will expect some rather nasty e-mails about my sanity. The afternoon was just beautiful for girl watching, and I think that I have enough … um … research material to perhaps … well … um … deal with some rather frustrating issues that I am dealing with right now anyway {evilest of grins}. The last thing she said to me before she decided to scamper off was, “Well I think that you are a pretty smart guy, and you know what you are doing most of the time, so why don’t you just accept what you are for a change and give yourself a break. If you need anything, you know where to reach me, and I won’t bite … unless you are into that,” which was actually in reference to the wonderful things I left out of this tale, but still fits into the scope of my self loathing these days.

It sucks to be human, and I happen to suffer from a raging case of super hero complex {surprise surprise} so as I beat myself up for not being able to do anything perfectly, I often fail to see that there are things that at the very least I don’t suck at. As I often prattle on about my human failings, like being a raging pervert it simply strikes up the chord of “look at that guy being honest and laughing at himself” while at the same time it strikes up the chord of “look at that fucking asshole being a creep and bragging about himself” It just depends on whom the person reading it is at the time. I’ve decided that I don’t give a fuck who’s reading it at anytime, or what my decisions are at this time. I am me, and I am going to be the UBRA-ME, without the fear of being chastised for any of it anymore. Look out blogworld … The Crow is BACK ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest