Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Truth About Cats & Dogs - Volume 8

Ok for those of you who don’t actually know, I am a janitor. I was originally a second key supervisor, but my back injury, and my ability to create chaos at work through pranking people, pretty much got me busted down to janitor. Despite having to clean the toilets, I actually like the job a lot, since realistically all I do all day is sit in my broom closet and take pictures of myself and other things all day and e-mail them to my friends. It’s a pretty good existence really, and although it will keep me in white-trashdom for as long as I refuse to accept, that I could do a lot better. This should help both of you that never actually read any of my myriads of blogs that went on and on talking about me before I made the pilgrimage to Myspace from Yahoo 360.

Now while on that subject, I was forced to leave Yahoo 360, because of my writing abilities, which often get misunderstood. I ended up with quite a few women fawning over me quite a bit, many other women enraged with my ego {and while we are pointing fingers, every one of THOSE women got that way, when I didn’t have 99% of my time to dedicate to them}, a pile of stalkers, both men and women, and a lot of people pointing their fingers at me saying that writing things like this cause it all. Ok fine, and I also accept the explanations {long and boring, and full of jealousy} that my make believe world online DOESN’T mimic my reality outside of this computer. Try this one on for size ….

I smashed my head on a toilet last week when I was surprised to see some women from the office staring at my ass while I was stooped over the toilet. I was the first to admit that it was shock that ANY woman would look at my ass that startled me enough to loose my footing and then bang … stars and tweety birds … etc etc etc … Where did this go from there? Well the next day there were cookies waiting for me on the desk of one of the women who was looking, and cause my little “accident” and a note saying, sorry for startling you, yaddita yaddita yaddita … The cookies were very good actually, home-made oatmeal, and I left a thank you note behind. Life is good, cleaning of offices got done, and I trodded off to the factory to clean there. Yanno this doesn’t end here does it?

I actually had reservations about posting this, as my nerves are still rather shot from all of the chaos that swirled around me before, when I talked about this type of stuff, but I am sick of reposting old blogs out of fear, so here’s what happened next, and it does get rather humorous, and those of you that remember the drama that happened around me might laugh when I wonder aloud if some sort of hex was placed upon me like Zander from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, but I showed up the next day, and there was another plate of cookies on the desk in question. Simple note “Jeremy” on top of them. Chocolate chip this time, and they were quite good, really chewy, and after eating them, I continued about my cleaning, wondering allowed {nothing like empty offices at 6am in the morning to bring out the “talking to self” in all of us} if I should start to worry about Ex-Lax, because this is starting to get flattering.

Day three … Peanut butter cookies, with a side of concern, because there is definitely the signs of a crush going on here, and worse then that, there are going to be a lot of side effects that happen from that. First and foremost, I am going to get FAT, second this is an office environment full of women, and that means that … never mind … office number 3 … brownies … sign … “Jeremy”, oh boy, but that isn’t the worst of it all that I then realized that these two women have been getting here earlier every day too. This had never crossed my mind, as I had just figured that it was the end of the year and there was more work to be done. So much for ego, eagle vision, and being a know it all, this had totally crept up on me here. They both happen to be getting here a FULL HOUR before they are supposed to, and for the most part have been in my way and I have been …. Oh MY God! … paying a LOT of attention to them. Oy Vey … I scampered through my work yesterday so that I could get out of the offices as quickly as I possibly could, and barely had to say “Have a nice day,” to the first one, when she showed up 1 hour and ten minutes early yesterday.

Today I tentatively walked into the offices to find … candy … OOOOOO Lindt Balls!!! … um I mean … damn LINDT BALLS woooohoooooooo! … I justified shoving them all in my pockets, as “A nice treat for the kids” and I am happy to report that of the 40 that were in the bag, I saved two for each child {and I will be writing my acceptance speech for father of the year after this … thank you very much} … Well yes I could have given them the ribbon candy that the other one left for me, but that isn’t the point here. The plotting against me has reached an all time low, as they purposefully left their offices pigsty’s to delay me getting the hell out of here quickly … ack! I spent the better part of my first hour cleaning these two offices!

7am rolls around and the first of them walks into the place, while I have just started to do my actual cleaning. She comes right over to ask me what I thought of the blondies she made, and I was kinda at a loss for words. You see I didn’t have time to eat any because SOMEONE had dumped their trash over in their office, and spilled a full cup of coffee on the floor. I was actually seething with rage, while she looked at my sweet smile and then I lashed out at her with the most hateful thing I could possibly say “No actually I was really busy, but I promise to take them with me, they looked delicious” … there that’ll f-ing teach HER … hmphfff … her partner in the competition pretty much got the same thing when she came in and asked me about the “left over” raspberry squares, that she left for me. God I am such a PUSSY!!!!

I found myself later in the day standing in the very location of THE VERY LAST PLACE ON EARTH I would ever want to be, the office of the human resources director. Oh I hate this woman, and she hates me, but she is a big enough bitch, that I assumed kissing her Marine Corp ring, and pledging loyalty to her family might solve this dilemma, since that is how it works here at Pink Mafia HQ {yeah I forgot to get all cartoony sue me}, or at the very least she could send out a memo that it is NOT ok to ply the cleaning boy with sweets. After I politely pointed out my dilemma, of being a little uncomfortable about the attention, she started laughing at me!! Well there goes HER Christmas present! “Why don’t you just ask them both about their husbands, the next time you are kissing their asses?” she said to me so frankly, I was rather shocked, but I managed to do the whole “nervous laughter” thing, and walk out of her office relatively unscathed.

You all think this gets easy from here I imagine … nope … still a big butt smootchin’ coward, but I do plan on asking about the hubbies tomorrow, I should have thought of that excuse out of “picking kids up from school” adventures. If it doesn’t work, I still have all of the other things I was planning on slipping in … Psycho Ex … Accidentally Castrated Years Ago … Flaming Gay … Promised To Be Wed Through My Parents … oh wait, those never seem to work either, I have the research to back it up. ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest