Tuesday, December 27, 2005

The Monster Under The Bed - Volume 2

I can’t say that I ever know what does these things to me but today was a scary day. The monster under the bed was looming, and he was trying to grab my foot from under the bed, and it just kinda started that way, and wouldn’t go away. It never ceases to amaze me that I happen to be so ridiculously out of sync with the rest of the world, that I think it is all a plot to drive me insane. “They” {you know the people from Wyoming} have been devising the ultimate scheme and unfortunately you all seem to be in on it. My happy mediums are rather non-existent, and days like today, I might just be forced to admit that I was very lonely. Kinda strange to hear me say that these days, and I am pondering the ramifications of this statement. If I were still on Yahell 360, I would be getting piles of hate mail right now, intermixed with the “Add Me to Your IM” letters.

I know this sounds insane coming from me, but I am willing to admit it. There are almost no people at work, so I have the place all to myself, and I would have thought it was a dream come true, but after about 2 hours of it the boredom, started creating the need for human interaction. There wasn’t any to be found, and the next thing you know I was becoming gloomy. I can imagine what it is like to be someone who is horribly depressed and finds Prozac, only to realize that it makes them more suicidal, as the usual chaos that I have been totally forced to endure was just gone, and I was forced to hang out in my own head alone for about 6 hours. Some of you know this problem, but many don’t even have a clue what dangerous animals are up there waiting to tear me to ribbons. My own self hatred is legendary, and as the 50 IM’s and text messages an hour that I usually bitch incessantly about fell to 0 for the first 5 hours of work, I was going mental. I was kinda angry at myself for being sad that I was finally being left alone.

I guess in all reality, what frustrates me is that the outer shell of me is as bi-polar as the inner shell, and as I stated it kinda goes with the feeling that I am just totally out of sync with the rest of the world. If I sit down to write my novel, or work on one of my screenplays, or even just try to write a blog, I get hammered by IM’s and phone calls and {at one time} 360 messages and my co-dependency used to just tie me up into all of them unmercifully, until I would have to let lose of someone, and it would in a lot of cases lead to hurt feelings and unfortunately at times rage. It was a great deal of the reason I ended up with stalkers all over 360, and such wonderful hate mail all of the time. The fact of the matter is that every single person on 360 who hated me, or publicly chastised me, started off by trying to dominate my time in, one way or another, so of course I would bitch. As a matter of fact it infuriated me, and I left 360 very angry indeed, and kinda had the feeling that it deserved itself.

The other side of this little puzzle is days like today. Now I am rather needy, and I had nobody, and that is what I mean by bi-polar. My mind simply found the opportunity to beat the shit out of me with this knowledge, and it probably could have gotten a lot worse. I had gone the whole rounds by this point. It always starts with fat too. I mean I am a rather athletic built individual, but I always look down and notice how I am starting to fall apart since I can’t go to the gym like I used to {bad back and an insurance company that would love to catch me with free weights … for those that don’t know}, and then it always goes to ugly. I start ripping apart my appearance, because after all in the mind of a depressive, it really is all about your looks, lose those and you are nothing.

Well the good news is that I have now convinced myself that I am fat and ugly, so we move onto the whole source of the looks ordeal, which is “unloved” because to truly hate yourself you must be unloved. The depressive mind does all of this in the background, and fortunately it is quite independent of “this part” of my mind that is writing this right now. The part that read all of the books on depression, and actually KNOWS what is going on. Those little creatures in my brain use that as well, believe it or not as they start chanting to me “And see, you’re stupid too, you know the answers but you are too DUMB to do anything about it”, and now these voices have started recruiting the voices from the past to really hammer my problems home. This is a lot easier than it sounds when you have 3 failed marriages behind you, because those voices are usually the easiest ones to grab, and remind you of your “issues” that robbed you of feeling loved, or being able to love. Don’t worry after just getting through Christmas and neither of your parents bothered to acknowledge you, lends those two voices to he chorus as well.

Around noon I finally found two people to play with me in text messages on my phone for a bit. I slowly dragged my ass out of the funk, but it was really a sad meter to my existence that I was just sitting in my new favorite place to hide at work {the women’s room … because it has a lock a sofa, and no women actually work in the plant … I’m sick not stupid, and as the janitor I have a key}, and I really just felt like crying. I hate both extremes in every facet of my life. I hate being way up and entertaining the masses {and all the bullshit that goes with that}, and I hate being really down and a cursed object {and all of the bullshit that comes out of me}, and the tears fall as I never feel like I have a choice. As I said, I have at least gotten over that, but it is definitely a new thread of my existence that I need to learn to live with. It’s like a form of cyberschitzophrenia where the voices drive you insane, and to the brink of fear, and the desperate wanting to run and hide, but when they stop, you just feel so alone you want to curl up in a ball and die in the corner. This Too Shall Pass … ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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