Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Of The Wonderful Past Wreckage - Volume 4

Ok so I am writing this the day before and posting it in the morning really early because Judgment Day is upon me! Today is the day that my aunt, and the man who by marriage was my uncle finally tie the knot! Ok let me give you some Southern Maine background on all of this, so that I can catch you all up to speed. EX2 {aka … the whore, not the lesbian or the bitch} had this uncle that was kinda a loser in the game of love. My aunt, who was going through a nasty divorce, moved back home to live with her mother, meaning Greektradgedius Inyiddish, and because I was in a particularly generous mood, I hooked the two of them up on a date. 5 years later, and two marriages for ME these two are getting married tomorrow.

NOW the hard logistics of it all are simple, as now this means that by marriage I am going to be married back into the family that most of the tale “Little Abner” was created about., and worse than that, I have to hang out with all of them tomorrow as THEY are the ones throwing this little shin dig, and that means I am going to be surrounded by 500 in-breds that at one time or another I have told to “Fuck Off” or worse yet … shown HOW TOO! Now usually I would find some brilliant way to get out of such wonderful festivities that will involve a pig roast, and Cannon in D Major played on the banjos and big ol’ whiskey jug, by creatively … well lying actually, but I can’t in this case because not only am I the blame for this whole issue at hand, I am the one expected to give it the proper send off.

How do you toast a marriage that is potentially going to create the type of chaos that usually is only popular in West Virginia, and parts of upstate Maine anyway? I mean do you think that the person who christened the Titanic bragged about it many years later? We are actually talking about a woman who stood in my living room a month and a half ago holding a dead cat by the tale while my kids stood there screaming after all. The saddest part about all of this is that my mother still swears up and down that it is a travesty to the family, that a man who isn’t rich will be marrying UP to my aunt {the woman swinging a dead cat by the tail traumatizing my kids … yeah ok} but I don’t think everyone is really paying the proper attention to this. I mean WHAT ABOUT ME?????

So now, assuming that I can’t get the minister {or Preacher as they calls them out in York County} to find a suitable reason to cancel this thing by tomorrow, I am going to be “The Mother of All the Evils’s” CUZZIN!!!! I mean this is sooooooo wrong on levels that only the people from the deepest parts The British Royal Family can understand! I don’t want to have to have to babysit my drunken in-laws anymore … divorce sucked and all, but they are stealing the actual BENEFITS that I had {and OH SHIT I am turning into LYNN over this … eeeeeek!} … Breath … Breath … Breath … Ok … I might go on and on about my own family, but every once in a while you find one that makes your family look really normal, and I happen to the ASSHOLE to marry into them, and apparently it is a family disease too!

I think in all reality I am pretty jealous that unlike everyone there I won’t be stinky, sloshy drunk through the whole ordeal. I’m also a little pissed off that I have to bring my kids {to stop the nagging} so that they can see the wonderful show, and I can deal with them as they are pissed off in all reality to be there, and going all ADHD on the joint. Watching all the former in-laws slog around speaking in indecipherable beer goggle is merely torture while it is going on, the pleasant memories of these people will keep my ass sober for quite a while longer, but it doesn’t mean I like being around it all that much either. The smell of drunk and in your face still makes me want to just suck the breath right out of them sometimes, but as always … Just for today, because if I were to be drunk at this little Ho-Down, I guarantee you they have plenty of relatives, preachers, and shot guns to go around. I was stupid enough to marry into that family sober {yeah with a shotgun of course}, I can only imagine what booze would talk me into. ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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