Wednesday, December 14, 2005

More Babble From The Love Addict - Volume 5

Well honesty dictates that I should tell all of you that I have serious mommy issues. I realize that you have all heard this before from someone at some time, but I have a lot more mommy issues than almost anyone you have ever heard this term from. My own mother left when I was 5 to go be famous, and she actually made a nice run at it for a while there. I was baggage, and she usually made that quite known. I have to be fair here, and say that for the first 4 years of my life aside from the permanent fat lip I sport from her kicking me out of her way once, she did make a rather decent stab at being a good mother, but failed miserably, and cut bait. For the most part I have gotten over this but it was a long painful process to which I will spare all of you the truly gruesome details, but what I am going to do is give some background, so that you understand my rant.

My mother came around every few years to claim ownership of me, and rarely did anything other than ruin life for me for a few months after she left. The once every two year visit was something I dreamed and looked forward to, until I was about 10 years old {like any other little boy, I wanted my mommy … fuck ya} and after that point started to become a terrifying experience that I dreaded at all times leading up to it. I thank my own mother for two times being locked away in mental institutions, a few times that I was put in the special classes at school, and the abandonment that I suffer from to this very day. Her claiming ownership of me usually was her desperate ploy to hold onto whatever man she was fucking at the time, when he started bringing up children. I know it’s harsh to hear something like that from a son, but you have to understand my position, as I came to believe that I was not only mistreated by my mother, but the horror of actually NOT being loved by ones own mother does require harsh methods.

It was when I married my second wife, that I should have known that I was totally doomed to repeat the sins of my father. She is THE OTHER woman in my life that is incapable of being a mother at all. For all of my ranting of wanting a perfect family, or downright endorsing it, I managed to find one of the 7% of the female population with NO maternal instincts whatsoever. Please keep in mind any of you ladies sitting there starting to get upset because you think I am talking about you as well, since I will tell you a little secret … If you actually care if you are a bad mother or not, then you are far above the two women I am talking about. I yesterday finally came to the conclusion that I actually know what the lowliest of human life is behind a rapist, and that is a woman that has no care or genuine good intentions toward their own children.

Think about that for a moment, just actually think about a mother whose callous behavior borders that of actually hating their own children. I am NOT talking about a mother who gets frustrated, that is normal, or one who on a bad day or week may actually despise their children, but I am actually talking about a female human that down right puts all of her infantile needs ahead of her own children, and is even willing to totally abandon them, only to show up and intentionally do things that are damaging to them, and NEVER think that they do anything wrong whatsoever. I once said that the most fragile thing in the world is a mother who lost her child, and I am starting to think that the most pathetic, is one that refuses to care for them. Again, I remind you all, that to fall into the category that I am talking about you have to genuinely want to do them harm, for some sort of gain. I also understand that rather large minorities of men are famous for this, but I am again talking about a mother.

My ex wife left me for a drug dealer, when I was in the hospital dying from Zoster Pneumonia {the side effect of adult Chicken Pox} and I am not complaining seriously about that, I did realize a while ago that when you order shit off the menu, eat shit off your plate and shut the fuck up. I couldn’t get the kids because of the possession is 9/10ths the law argument. She then in a year and a half moved 19 times, throughout 3 states, and she never had a job. This of course makes her a loser, but it also shows that the emotional stability of the children was NOT a priority. In that time she also had 48 live in boyfriends {and I am not joking here, my 9 year old at the time wrote down all the names, when the Guardian Ad Litem asked her too, so that she could stay with her daddy … and THAT was fucking sad too}

At the end, when my oldest daughter {mind you hers biologically, mine by adoption} forced this woman to send her to live with me in New York, the two unattended younger children of ours burned down an entire apartment complex while she was out getting laid. I brought everything I had down upon this woman, and for the first time in my life I stood up to her, and it cost me every last penny I had, and I have still not recovered financially from it, but 4 separate judges told her to her face that she is a bad mother and the final paperwork said that she was to see her own children no more than 1 hour a week and in the supervision of a county sheriff. You think that the average mother would want to improve for the sake of their children at this point?

Over 3 years later here I sit, I have tried to allow this woman to see her kids, I have bent every rule that the state put upon her, just so that my kids can see their mother. I have the sole right to allow her visitation as I see fit, because the county sheriffs all finally said, we aren’t supervising this woman anymore years ago.

Again I come back to my role in all of this which is purely that of a total fucking idiot, and I am willing to accept that. I married a total piece of shit, thanks to my overly rambunctious sex drive, I made the grand assumption that everyone changes for the better, and I was wrong. I accept this. Most people do, and others don’t. When my daughter came to me 3 days ago, and said that her mother was forcing her to call her biological father {the man who abandoned her and signed her over to me when he found out that he wouldn’t have to pay child support anymore … in other words, Prince Charming} because he so desperately wanted to talk to her. I fortunately have a leg up in this manipulation due to the fact that he has never been under the delusion that he would survive a confrontation with me. A simple phone call gave me the answers that I wanted, which were “She wouldn’t let me fuck her unless I talked to her” … For the love of God, I cannot even fathom what game she is playing, and she can’t be honest at ALL. It is really the scariest position to be in as a father when I was getting phone calls last night from her family wanting the kids this weekend.

I LOVE my weekends without the kids, sorry to be a stereotypical male, but I HATE being a single father actually, and I almost felt like crying, as I was telling them that I had to keep the kids home, because I couldn’t trust any of them. I want to just stare at the sky and start screaming like a lunatic. I want to sit in my high chair and start banging my rattle and just start ranting about how unfair life is, and the last thing in the world I want to do is the right thing, and I hate having to fucking do it all of the time. I am going to say this and get it out in the daylight … I hate that woman as much as I hate my own mother, and although I will get over this as I always do, I just wish the truly useless creatures on this earth would stop wasting the rest of our air. I have heard it all too, and as I said I accept my part in all of this, but I am allowed to be angry, I think I have been rather good about not taking my feelings about this crap out on others. As always I feel a little better just writing all of the feelings down and reading it through though. ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest