Friday, December 16, 2005

Livin With Evils's - Volume 17

It is a dark & dreary day for everyone’s favorite super hero, as the evil plot that the Educational Branch of The Organization Known As The Evils’s {TOKE}, has thrust upon him. Superdaddyman’s most faithful babysitter, has called in “snowed” and our brave young {cough … cough} crime fighter, was called away from his duties infiltrating Pink Mafia Headquarters {PMHQ} so that he could rush back to the Palace Di Evils’s and relieve a very stressed out Greektradgedius Inyiddish {The evil mastermind behind Mophaka Al Queholic or MAQ if you have been keeping track}, as the Evils’s are terrorizing her mercilessly while the babysitter {school} is taking it’s snow day.

What ever shall Superdaddyman do, as he is driving the Superdaddymobile through the wondrous Ice Storm, at a blinding 8 or 9 miles per hour to rescue the very enemy that plagues his pathetic existence, from the terrorists that she pretty much trained in her terrorist camp upstairs? The term is “doddle” boys and girls. Ah yes, a leisurely drive to Dunkin Donuts, a stroll around Wal-Mart, a nice spin through downtown to see if the 80mph winds are blowing a few skirts up, and even a stop at magazine shop to see if the new copy of FHM has come in yet. Yes you see, there isn’t a single thing that Superdaddyman can do to save the Palace from 3 evil bastards, separated, not only by huge age gaps, but gender, mental capacity, and varying degrees of evil depending on the day of the week, so the best thing to do is enjoy the last hour of this weekends sanity while he still can.

You see, this isn’t exactly the fun and play snow that most parents look at and go “Well yeah, they are going to fuck up the hallways, but the whole `outside and screaming, instead of inside and screaming` factor is so worth it” oh hell no, this is a total ice storm, that we are quite famous for in Megalopolis. Nope, not a bit you see, and Superdaddyman isn’t stupid enough to believe that she didn’t load them up all full of sugar, and then start bellowing at them when they get out of control {never once acting like SHE in fact is the adult here} and has now left savage terrorists running around with scissors, and razor blades waiting to attack our friendly super parent when he walks in the door.

Fortunately Superdaddyman is both cunning in wit, and posses that correct amount of “don’t give a shit” to develop the perfect plot to get even with everyone on the way home. Perhaps so many birds can be killed with one stone that the pigeons will become an endangered species around here … ok pushing it I know. Grabbing at his trusty weapon of mass destruction, and ultimate evil {cell phone} he calls … oh no … NOT THAT … His former sister in-law … muahahahahaha … and devises the plans of most unspeakable evil, that shall rock the palace for weeks to come.

Around these here parts, the former sister in-law {aka the Ding-A-Ling} is NOT a very well accepted member of the Evils’s family. To make a long story short Greektradgedius Inyiddish hates her, almost as much as she hates free will, that wasn’t manipulated out of you through whining, and sobbing temper tantrums {the tools & vicious weaponry of MAQ}, and this was NOT going to go over well. Superdaddyman in his ultimate wisdom decided, bird number one will be to pawn these evil little pricks off before they finally do touch that last nerve they have been diligently working on for weeks. Bird number two will be to create that entire unloved feeling in Greektradgedius, that will send her to her room for the weekend to pout {thus giving Superdaddyman even MORE peace and quiet!!}, while bird number three shall fall dead as Superdaddyman knows that a whiney temper tantrum is what Greektradgedius has been missing for a while now, and perhaps it will alleviate the fucking eggshells under Superdaddyman’s feet these days.

The Auntie of All The Evils’s was thrilled to have them for the weekend, and after talking to her husband {because after all she is riddled with venom for blood, though she often means well}, it was affirmed that there will be no shenanigans, which included The Mother of All The Evils’s being near the kids at all, or Auntie becoming passive aggressive either out of stupidity or intent. You see her husband was a single father of 3 who happened to marry the third in the Evil Triad of non-mommydom before he happened to hook up with Auntie Evil, and her two kids, so he tends to understand the Superdaddyman quite well, and is generally trustworthy despite his bad taste in women. In any case he can be a trusted ally in the battle of Good versus the Evils’s. He even offered to come pick the kids up in his monster 4x4 Durango, thus eliminating what would have been the only problem I need face … a minivan that doesn’t stop on snow, or ice.

Now there is that epic battle that faces the Superdaddyman, as he enters the house. For those of you that think I only perform sneak attacks online, watch how this gets handled. “Hey kids get your clothes together, and your snow pants you’re going to Aunties house for the weekend. Make sure you get your mittens and snow pants!” and I could hear the first shot being fired from the corner of the battlefield known as the living room, as Greektradgedius let out a whiney “What??” After explaining it to her as best I could, she started trying to explain to me how she should have say in the matter, but I decided that this is officially “evil day” as I cut her off, and tried my best to use my Superdaddylogic to quell the situation. Yeah it totally failed, and finally came down to a “Look I break my fucking dick off supporting you 4, and I am taking a fucking weekend off” only translated much nicer, trust me.

So now Superdaddyman is sitting here after whisking the Evils’s into the prisoner transport created by Dodge {quicker than Wiley Coyote setting up an Acme product mind you} and has set down to write about the procedure that it took to get me to this point, of semi peace. The term “semi peace” is applied based on the fact that I have had to field phone calls from an angry absentee mother, my own aunt who is sick of getting whiney phone calls from her mother {Greektradgedius}, and a rather pathetic old lady {who by the way, had already told me that SHE wasn’t going to be here to help with the kids herself DAMNIT … because “she needs some free time”} who is trying to reinforce the whole “disrespect” theory down my throat … but yanno what? … another great thing about being “Evils’s Free” for the weekend, is that I can hop in my vehicle and go anywhere I want at any time without bundling up terrorists, or begging for permission too … did I say muahahahahaha already? ;8o)

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest