Monday, December 26, 2005

And The Merry Go Round Broke Down - Volume 6

So another Christmas is finally in the books, and day one of the next 364 days of listening to Greektradgedius Inyiddish {The diabolical leader of Mophaka Al Queholic … or MAQ} whine about getting recycled gifts. My pathetic mother actually sent the very gifts that she sent her last year, back to her for Christmas this year. THAT is priceless, if you ask me, but oh well, tis the season to be slighted, after all. I keep forgetting about all of the wonderful side stories that go on during Christmas, that are as commonplace as the things I already outlined, that drive Superdaddyman bonkers. The usual things happened of course, and again my sycophantic whining about changing the things that ruin Christmas fell upon deaf ears, but Superdaddyman used his brand new weapon in the war against the Evils’s this year “The Passivogressive Blaster!!!”, as I shall outline here in long, and boring fashion, for my adoring fans.

The first piece of Christmas joy came after Superdaddyman slept through his alarm. The night before I had been working on the “Twas The Night Before Christmas in Blogaholics Anonymous”, which kinda took longer than expected, as I ended up posting it to both groups. Superdaddyman is at his best when he is able to get up at 3:30 and get some things accomplished before he is surrounded by unspeakable Evils’s and has to wear the cloak of “Defender of The Evils’s” … “Scapegoat to the Greektradgedius” … “Infiltrator of the Diabolical Pink Mafia” .. “Keeper of the Dirty Tales” and of course … “Virginity Defender!” Needless to say, on this day in question he woke up to the secondary alarm clock, which can really scare the crap out of you when you are in the middle of ravaging a poor innocent victim with a weapon we WON’T talk about here {as it is NOT one of THOSE types of blogs}, that sounds like this … “Daddy DADDY daddy dAddy daddY dADDy daDdy DADDY!!” already you can see that Superdaddyman is surrounded by unspeakable Evils’s, and worse yet with a raging erection that he needs to deal with before he is going ANYWHERE!

So from 5:30, when Superdaddyman was so rudely stolen away from his “happy place” to about 6:15 {when he was finally able to deal with … um … well you know} and crawl upstairs to the “scary place” the Evils’s had managed to totally destroy MOST of what Santa had left for them and you could see the drooling, craven, lust filled look in their eyes {damn I just pulled myself back to the dream … excuse me a second … ok better now} as they stood there huddled over the rest of their Christmas presents that Greektradgedius has been using as the “Behave or I am calling Santa” bait for the last hour, it was of course up to him to say the thing they {even at such young ages} knew was going to be hell, “We have to wait for everyone else to get here gang before we can open those presents” which was followed by man boo’s and hisses, and a few rotten vegetables hitting Superdaddyman in the back, as he proceeded back into the kitchen. We know all too well how Spiderman feels!

Ok so now it is about 8:30 and I have finished making all of the breakfast, for the guests that are supposed to be showing up by 9 {If you all only knew the amazing ignorance that was just unleashed in that statement} despite the protestations of Superdaddyman who knew all too well that most of these guests would be at the very LEAST an hour late. We have learned over the many years of Christmas bliss, that it is a lot easier to make breakfast 3 times then to try to convince a very “Tinsel Minded” old lady that her daughters and their children really were sent to this Earth from Satan himself in part of the grand scheme known as “Operation Get Jeremy” {OGJ}, so the first round of food that could have been sent to Ethiopia is now on the table, and we are dealing with the Evils’s which are growing ever more restless.

Now 9:30 rolls around, and Queen Yuletide has decided that her daughter, and the two evil little pricks, that she had given birth too {probably in some ceremony with black candles, a pentagram, and a few buckets of goats blood} have all died in a rather violent car accident, and she is going to start fretting obsessively. For the record “NO YOU CANNOT, convince her that being a half hour late is nothing for these people” I had many years ago developed a scale of timing their lateness. You have to immediately add 30 minutes for each of them, and then add 10 minutes, here or there for the “incidentals” like children wanting to open gifts, or people starving to death. The totally Reality Disaffiliated old woman sitting in the living room ordering Superdaddyman around all morning, like any other morning that these whacko’s get invited into my life, swears up and down they have never been late for anything.

So I have made the second table’s worth of food that could have gone to Ethiopia, at about 10:30, and TES we are now talking a full hour and a half late with NO phone call. The Evils’s are now staring at everyone with wanton desire to tie us all up {uh oh, accidentally ended up in the “happy place” again … I may never get this entry finished} and start giving out hostage release demands, which are probably all going to be centered around the presents. Superdaddyman, using his superior intellectual abilities walks into the living room and states, “Imtoocutus, start handing out the gifts” which was met by a counter attack by the super evil Greektradgedius Inyiddish, but that was easily diverted with the famous “Talk to the hand” gesture that means Superdaddyman is gonna start getting Medieval on your co-dependant ass, so ZIP IT! Gifts were all distributed, torn apart, and Christmas finally continued till 11 when the door opened and the Aunt, her fiancĂ©’, and the two spawns of Lucifer entered, and had the audacity to lead with “You opened the presents already?”

Deciding that it was actually my turn to ruin Christmas this year {I have missed it so} I proclaimed “Yanno, I think it takes a lot of balls to walk into ANYPLACE 2 hours late, and I envy your ability to be so incredibly blissfully ignorant to the world that is actually going on around you,” which created that “dead silence” that Superdaddyman is always trying to have. With that I walked into the kitchen so that they could all pretend I didn’t just say that, and started making the 3rd round of breakfast, so that they could all complain about THAT!

There were a few other mild accomplishments for Superdaddyman this year, as he did finally pick out the perfect Christmas gifts. I went to Family Dollar and bout 12 cans of those cheap imported English Butter Cookies, and simply handed those out at the door, as I was trying to get all of these people to simply leave! By about 1 o’clock they were all gone, and even the evils’s had been picked up by their grandfather to go spend Christmas night with my former in-laws. I had to get on to the Computer to say my special Merry Christmas’s to the people online that I adore, and fortunately was able to salvage what was left of my sanity, by talking to someone very special to me, and making nothing but humiliating innuendos about the horrible in-breeding that goes on in my family, and especially my belief that my mothers infidelities must have been a blessing in disguise, because I am now more than ever convinced, that there must be some mailman DNA in the Superdaddyman after all! ;8o)



Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! ..
Jeremy


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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest