Monday, November 21, 2005

More Babble From The Love Addict - Volume 4

The alternate title to this should be "PreCoda", and will be followed by another "Deadly Sins Therapy" tomorrow, which will be the "PostCoda" and end the "Playah Trilogy" ... for now

I came to AA {Alcoholics Anonymous} back in 1986, when I was 16 years old. I had been totally drunk in mind body and spirit, since I was 7, so my maturity, in every way shape or form was stunted at best. I was without a drink for two days in a row since before my 7th birthday actually, and all of the newness, of the things around me, were fascinating, and scary. The most notable difference in me that I immediately had to face was that I actually found myself attracted to women. I know it sounds silly to many, but I had never had a girlfriend in any way, and to be honest in those regards I was just to busy being drunk from the time girls were icky, to the time I was at then. The first time I actually noticed getting aroused was in rehab, when we playing in the adolescent lounge, and one of the girls that was in there ended up jumping on me, and that was actually my first kiss, from someone I wasn’t related too. {no Nooooo Hampshah jokes please} I of course did everything I was told not to, and fell in love with that girl, later lost my virginity to her, and at the end of that glorious 10 month relationship, I was drunk again, and her father was going to kill me.

Needless to say, my relationships with the opposite sex haven’t gotten much better over the years, although not drinking has made it possible to maintain an erection, everything else is confusing to me. I formed a lot of opinions, after I came back to AA, and ended up in a relationship right through the door, with a woman who should have “known better”, and learned the hard way. When she was through with me a couple of months later, I had the overwhelming joy of going to the AA meetings I needed to survive, and hearing all the gossip that she was spreading about me. I have said before that I went 22 months without drinking, but will never call myself sober during that time. I was dry, and I was worse than when I drank, because I remembered why I ended up in jail every weekend, and why I lost my license for 5 years. I was just angry and not recovering, and again, it was a moment to remember, because after her I was NEVER going to get involved with another alkie again. When I finally drank, and really hit my bottom, I came back in 1989, and had a chance. I had already eliminated that skirt demon, so I was going to meetings for the right reasons at least.

In the next 18 years, I had been through 7 relationships. When I say 7 I mean 7 too, that is everyone, {well except for the one co-worker that I was sleeping around with during the time that landed me in the mental hospital, but that doesn’t relate to what I am talking about really} and I married 3 of them. Each one of them was a “non” alkie, but they all were horribly co-dependant, as that seems to be the type of women that I attract as an alkie, sober or not. The first one lasted a year, the second one a year, the third a year, the fourth I married {even though she had been waiting in the wings for me since the time I was dry before}, the fifth I married {after cheating on the fourth with her, and she got pregnant}, the sixth 2 months {and we’ll just pretend that that psycho didn’t exist thank you very much}, and the seventh I married. In one paragraph I can sum up 18 years of blissful ignorance, in my romantic life. Each one of these women can tell you one thing, almost exactly, and that is that I am totally lost in self, and I shut down sooner or later. All but one will tell you {if being honest} that I am totally faithful, and devoted to the point that I simply hate me, like in my mind, God had intended. I can say about every one of them, they end up resenting the no-fun alkie {despite the fact that I am a lot of fun, just not in a bar} to the point of being defiant drinkers, who tend to make asses out of themselves. This is where I get the term “Sucked the alcoholism right out of me” from.

It was after the failure of my last marriage, that I simply became more inward with my intimacies. I started becoming delusional, with fairy tales, of white picket fences, and making love on the kitchen table, or the porch swing, and in many ways I acted it out, with a very willing victim mind you, who happened to be an alcoholic, and a newcomer, in a chat room. I rationalized much of it, as being part of a grand scheme that God had intended for me. I DID NOT have bad intentions, but I did have some unfulfilled demons that I am just now still trying to wrestle out of me. The reality of coping with the feelings of another alcoholic, trying to get sober, and my own primal needs, and fantasy driven fairy tales, were some of the worst lunacy I have concocted to date. The fantasies, and the needing to be loved, and all of that would simply be human trait for most people if it weren’t for the reality that in AA what I was doing was a big No No, no matter how you slice it. It harms the newcomer, but it kills the old timer. Everyone can argue that till the cows come home, but I am the proof, that it is dangerous, as I started to take the feelings of the “fragile” component far more into account than my own. You don’t make it in this world if you are number 2 to anything, and I knew better, so when she had a breakdown of sorts, and wanted to separate for a bit, I seized on that, and ran away, and into the hands of another alkie.

This woman, doesn’t need to be talked about much, she was the absolute embodiment of everything that is wrong in a human being. Jealous, spiteful, cruel, manipulative, self centered, and in reality, I know that I brought out some of those best traits in her. As I was one of the “sought after” men in that stupid chat room, I simply amplified her hatred, and lust. I never actually came down to the reality that my flirtatious ways effected her poorly. She actually did destroy herself, when I finally dumped her {the only way to put it}, and I don’t really know where she is to tell you the truth, and neither does anyone else. Again though, her alcoholic natures, blended with the right amount of what she should have known and the perfect touch of what she ignored, mixed with everything I know, and don’t, created a very bad situation, and we both were probably scarred for life.

This brings me to the last 5 months of my life. The first two of that were spent in the reflections of what I am going through now, or merely the continuation of what I was making such wonderful progress on before I did what I always do. I was spending a lot of time reflecting on my horrible “love addiction” that was caused by my mother, not loving me so much as an ounce, and the women exactly like her that I have tried to force to love me my whole life. Is every woman I have ever been like that? Well of course not. You can always tell the ones who are not as I have forced them out of my life to go back in pursuit of the one that is going to finally allow me to destroy myself once and for all. When I started blogging to begin with you will all {ok the 7 of you that have read all of my blogs anyway} note that I started this journey at the beginning of that self discovery, and threw it all away for popularity, a relationship, and fantasy, like I always do. This describes the last 3 months to a tee. The only problem being, as like AA, I know better, and in the background it has been haunting me, like a demon. The panic attacks, the angry days, the feeling of worthlessness, the constant yearning to give it all up and run away, are all symptoms of the problems that untreated “love addiction” does to me. Mix that with the fact that I was playing around with the heart of a fellow alcoholic that has her own issues to deal with, and you can’t even imagine the self loathing that I have been through. So I sit here now remembering why I originally named this blog “Mental Notes”, and what I was trying to do to begin with, and that is learn to love ME. ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} Mental Rants & Political Rage {For Those That Like His Political Rantings} Mental Imagry & Random Perversion {Adult Stories .. Assume they are rated X} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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