Thursday, November 17, 2005

Let's Talk About Sex Baby - Volume 6

So the phone rings at about 3 o’clock, and the other end of the big wire is the voice of “The Mother of all the Evils’s” which is never a welcome thing to listen to any time of the day. She’s decided that she wants to swing by and see the kids, which usually means she needs something, and it never actually involves the kids really. My first guess was that she probably wanted to explain away the usual lack of child support {which quite frankly isn’t anything I am going to get an ulcer over anyway, as I see the 1 out of every 8 that I get as simply a surprise from God}, and there is always the opportunity that she wants computer advice. There too are those rare occasions that she has that itch, and the guys at whatever bar she is frequenting that month, have either scratched it already, or heard rumors not to. How she dresses when she comes over to “see the kids” usually tells the tale before she actually opens her mouth. The tight mini-dress, with the stockings somewhat revealed, and the 4 inch heals are usually the itchy giveaway. The sweats and T-shirt usually signifies “computer advice”, and the jeans with the holes all through them and the dirty shirt {to signify, not being able to afford laundry expenses} is the poverty costume.

The car pulls up, with her sister driving … clue number one {boyfriend of some sort driving usually takes scenario one out of the equation} … out she hops, little black dress {black makes her look WAY too skinny by the way}, rounds the car, high heels, nearing the porch, stockings, on the porch … her sister drives away? Oh crap, I’ve been had good on this one, and I have a feeling that I am really in for it. I of course, meet her at the door, with “Why is your sister leaving?”

“Well I just thought she could … um … take off while I visit with the kids … like my new dress?”, and aside from the many volleys that I wanted to lob her way, ranging from “appropriate attire to play with the kids” to “I’m not comfortable being forced to deal with you, as you don’t have a ride,” to the worst of all “I can’t even freaking imagine what Greektradgedius is going to say when she takes a look at this outfit”, but the simple facts remain that at least one of these kids wants to see her, and I always forget to lay down ground rules, and she exploits everything she can. I tried to ease the tension, {because I was seriously noticing how she is doing the foot floating around in her shoe thing that starts me simmering} with the first important question that I always need to ask “So what’s wrong with your computer?”

She apparently thought that there was nothing wrong with her computer because she ignored the question, and just came in and plopped herself down on the couch, and started talking to my grandmother, who has just about perfected her “I can’t believe you married this whore” look, that she was giving to both of us. I signaled for the other two to come down {oh I forgot to mention Captain ADHD was actually attached to her by now}, and Imtoocutus, sauntered down with that quite little “Hi Mamma” {this is strange as this girl is only quiet when her mother is around … as in soft spoken, and hardly spoken}, Big Evil was still upstairs pretending that nobody had told her to come down. The sad reality that that young lady who is biologically related to the woman on the couch, and not the man sitting across from her, yet would rather be strangled than sit in the same room with her speaks volumes. The ding dong, dressed for dancing, and a drunken rendezvous, as apposed to a visit with the kids, still hasn’t grasped the silence that Big Evil has been screaming at her for years. Pisses me off even that she doesn’t really care either. Pisses me of more that the only thing I am staring at {and desperately trying not too} is her high heel dangling from her foot. Oh boy here we go.

Let’s just make that story, short shall we and say, 2 hours of her pretending to want to see the kids, me pretending not to want to rip every shred of clothing {except the stockings of course} off of her and fuck her like she did me at the divorce {only with both of us probably smiling afterwards} and her sister finally picking her up, so that I can do a flurry of blog comments before I get out the door for work. Did I mention that I am now so horny I can barely think? It wasn’t left to the imagination, while I was getting my usual flurry of “suggestive” {to be nice} IM’s, that I am just about to rip my pants open. Calmed down enough now {perhaps} to simply finish reading the comments to my own blog, and then talk on the phone on the way to work. My torture comes in two facets at this point … the obvious, that I had promised to call the sweetest woman on Earth, whom God just happened to give the sexiest voice on Earth to, and the fact that I couldn’t just leave that one comment alone. Nope I couldn’t because I earn every bit of miserable horny I get sometimes so I just had to open the IM box, and say “You know that I am curious now?” and of course she explained to me what was in that box, and guess what … raging horny and off to work. Yeah Jeremy!

Once at work again {after taking mental cold showers the whole time to work, as the voice on the other end of the phone regardless of sweet words drove me bonkers} I am now faced with the fact that King Paco Taco, is being so nice to me, it can mean only one thing. He IS out for revenge. My brain all filled to the brim with “horny” so all I can do is NOW get downright hornier playing cat & mouse with a person who IS going to get me back, and trust me, you can just tell sometimes. This balloon of ego that was becoming Jose was totally crushed when the plant manager came in for the night to baby-sit us {he had heard that the two of us were getting a little out of hand}, seeing his deflated ego just totally had me sniggering until, the horny started to go away. Unfortunately I was also being watched like a hawk, and couldn’t send my usual 10,000 text messages on my phone … guess what happens next? … Oh yeah baby, I start getting the text messages … everything from Victoria’s secret inventories, to warming someone’s toes for them, to oh God I am not even explaining that {well unless it is a Midnight tale on the weekend}, and I can’t retaliate, as the General Manager is watching my every move. I can get away with reading texts but the time it takes to type one out on a keypad would have been intolerable. Fuck I am horny … He’s starting to look pretty fucking good!

Ok, after the text messages died down, and I was finally getting calmed down, I was ready for my lunch break, and I usually spend that on the phone with the same person, who’s voice could drive the average man crazy. Fortunately my fear was subsided as we usually only talk about niceties and such. God had a plan though “Operation Break Jeremy’s Shmekie” {OBJS} and I am merely an innocent victim of it now! As of all freaking things she decides she is going to actually READ one of the HOT blogs of one of our friends to me. If she could have just seen me shlunked down in my seat of my Mini-Van like a craven lunatic, she might have even slapped me … {laughing violently as I relive that} … and then I crawled my sorry, horny, half dead, waiting to be gotten by a lunatic boss that I created, being babysat by the General Manager ass back inside to simply shrivel up and die.

Could be worse … I could have spent the ride home from work on the phone with the last woman I had had sexual relations with huh? … Or read the blog of Evil OK {and thanks for mentioning my damn name in that!}, when I already knew my mind wasn’t right? … Or I could have spent the 4 hours I should have been sleeping today chatting in IM’s with the very women who assisted in my Mr. Hyde complex at work? I could have actually stayed awake until 11am talking to the one woman who really drives my intimate mind to the brink of horny disaster? … Well Jesus H. Christ … you all know I did … I’m self abusive after all! When I crawled out of bed after 4 hours of total no sleep wriggling around like I was sweating out a fever, only to realize, that I had a teachers appointment to be at 15 minutes after I fell out of my damn bed, then may you all smile and know that not only did I deserve every last minute of the hell I put myself through the last 24 hours, but more over, that fucking secretary at the school with the legs up to her armpits is working, and her skirt and heels are both high. The teacher I just got done talking too must be looking at me thinking “Ok this explains a lot about his kids“ ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} Mental Rants & Political Rage {For Those That Like His Political Rantings} Mental Imagry & Random Perversion {Adult Stories .. Assume they are rated X} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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