Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Just a Freakin Blog Damnit - Volume 1

Ok, so here is how this story goes. I go back to last Friday night, as I was called out of the blue at my AA meeting, by someone that we would just call a “brother in my sponsorship world” {he’s one of the 4 people my sponsor, sponsors} and we usually don’t see into each others eyes very well. In dysfunctional family terms, he would be the “good child” or probably more aptly referred to as the “super hero”, yeah I know that sounds funny coming from me. Well in all good families, we also have the “lost child” which would be my role. So if we take into account that our sobriety dates maintain our ages in these “sick” families, I would actually be the oldest at going on 17 years. For the life of me, I never could understand why my sponsor never fired my sorry ass, as I never call him, rarely am honest with him, and I absolutely refuse to be happy for most of the 16 years I have known him. In this regards I also must say that he only keeps 4 pigeons, and has fired an awful lot of them in the time I have known him for doing exactly what I do, and that is wasting his time. Still I have survived all of this, and now I am sitting here being called on out of the blue, after listening to a long tirade about “I hate, therefore I am” from someone who is often thought of as my twin. That term comes out of getting sober within the same week of each other. We also have given everyone over 16 years of wonderful piss and vinegar together, every week.

The only thing I could think to say {and I knew I was going to ruffle some feathers} was that I am happy that I finally got it, and that I no longer have to be abrasive towards everyone, and can enjoy knowing that I have learned to NOT be that way, and life gets better. I of course had to add a typical “And Fuck you all for being right again” at the end of it, as I am me after all. My sponsor was so proud of me after the meeting, and it was a rather uncomfortable feeling, as I rarely give him these moments. Today, I got to spend some time, and talk with him, and he pointed out to me that I have finally been catching up to my years of “time” with my growth as of late. To me it looked like a seriously sick roller coaster of emotions, but to him it appeared to be a monumental success, and to that he added “finally.” My blogging, has a lot to do with this, and it was brought to my attention, that I may never be spiritually “healthy” by the standards of some, but I am becoming spiritually awakened all the same, and would be a fool not to continue on the path I have taken. He was very interested in the process, as it was a two fold … I share … I listen. Strange to think that good comes out of just about everything.

So now, here comes that squishy center, as I prattle on about the in betweens of those two events, and it is going to hurt a bit, but I am willing to accept it, while I use metaphors and analogies to dance around the subjects at hand. I am NOT a good talker. Usually I have a very hard time talking around the foot in my mouth, and it always gets very scary for me to even think about attempting it. You all may note that VERY FEW of you have actually heard my voice, as it is just plain intimidating to me. In print I can be rather eloquent, and I fool a great many of you that way. This is why I blog all of my feelings and then deal with the consequences afterwards, and I often forget how I can hurt people with my “non verbal” words, and my disrespect. I thought seriously about this on my way back from coffee, as my favoritest character from Buffy the Vampire Slayer after all is Angel {so as you that see me in the chat rooms know I use the name Angelis these days, but don’t tell the FOBW people that ~evil grin~} My paradox with Angel is how I desperately desire to be totally devoid of feeling and soul, and I just am not. I am so very haunted by the people I hurt, that it cripples me inside. When I received a note from a woman I once loved very much {and hurt of course} basically saying that she didn’t know who the fuck I was anymore, followed by an e-mail from a woman that I was now torturing, I snapped. Who the hell am I to let my own personal growth or, lack there of was worth the torment of others. Again I found the need to torture myself over the accomplishments of being a closed minded jackass, who knew better and just didn’t care, when it was all said and done.

Now to the good stuff {yeah ok} as I simply make a footnote to my last erotic adventure. I damaged me really badly with that one despite, my lust for the attention that it creates. It’s pretty simple really, to assume that it can easily be walked away from. The fantasy, and all, are simply a header to a very sick man who often lashes out for attention. I actually walked away from that rather ashamed of myself, on so many levels that I am not going into, because I can after all omit. Those that needed to know why, know why, and the rest of you can simply write your own sad little conclusions. All the talk of why I shouldn’t feel bad will do me absolutely no good, as I simply feel that I deserve to feel this one out. I really fucking earned it, and I am growing from it very well thank you. I do give the warning to anyone who is a little concerned about acting out your little demented games in public like I do, I can’t speak for you, but it certainly damages me, to do it myself. Strength is NOT just the way you overcome things, it’s the way you learn to walk around them. Take my job for example, all of my wonderful atics that made you all laugh, and me feel like I was doing Gods work. They just bought me my new position last night … Janitor … Monday through Friday 6am to 2pm, where I can no longer bother anybody … Good … more time to write … teeheehee ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} Mental Rants & Political Rage {For Those That Like His Political Rantings} Mental Imagry & Random Perversion {Adult Stories .. Assume they are rated X} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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