Sunday, November 20, 2005

Coda 1 - The Death of a Playah

Ok so I am sitting here humility in hand to write without the guise of comic book mayhem, nor the wit I usually display to hide what I really am. I sit here full well knowing that what I am about to say may shock all of you far worse, than anything I have ever said, and some of you far less. It was brought to my attention by someone I trust, even if she can be a bitch {I'm just being honest} That the shambles of what I have become are far greater than anything I have ever professed here, and I accept that, and I am offering some of the realities of me for all of you to look at and wonder about. Perhaps we will all learn something. I do want to say that everything I have said in this blog was embellished hardly at all. Minor points get changed around to make it more interesting. Otherwise I take everything to the extremes. Do I go downtown and stare at women in skirts as they walk by? Yes, but I don't need to treat it like it is a glorious event, even if we all know it is normal. I have been feeding the animals so to speak, and now I am going to simply explain the real me.

I sleep alone every night, by choice mind you, as in the real world as I have described it to everyone truthfully, I have suitors. I am not unattractive, and I do have the personality that I present here. Most people think I am gay, because I am so manic. I am so ridiculously happy one moment, and am devastated by simple life things the next. My humor has been a wonderful crutch throughout my entire life. I have serious intimacy issues, that I try to address, and then the love addict in me grabs onto the first woman who pays attention to me and promises to love her forever, until she is sick of me, or I am sick of her, and push her out of my life. Either way, I am not doing anyone any good by being a flirtatious imposter, hiding in the body of a man that cares. I do care, and nobody is ever going to take that away from me, but I really don't care properly, and that is why I inevitably end up hurting women really badly at times. I need to take my own advice, "If you can't help, don't hurt", while pretending that I am avoiding intimacy, I am actually inspiring it. Not the intimacy that a typical man is looking for, "the romp in the bushes" sort of way, but the way I have always yearned for, and never actually fulfilled for anyone myself. I make women fall in love with me, and then I in turn run away from them for doing it, or I simply try to beat it out of them the whole time I am making it worse.

I lie to myself and say it is not so, and this one will be different. It never is, and I need to face some of those realities, and I hope that others can too. Sub-consciously I set up little traps to make it so that I can't be in relationships, and then I sit, and use those excuses one minute, and then cry myself to sleep the next because I yearn. My overbearing grandmother whom I live with, at the same time as my three children, who never see thier mother, was a wonderful roadblock that never worked in the real world, as a lot of women who would fall in love with this personality would do whatever they could to simply "get around it". I thought it would in cyberspace {sub-consciously .. I don't actually sit and rationalize these things, but I do note them along the way} as the computer complicates it all. I can simply think in so many other arena's to rationalize the things I do. That one is married, that one lives to far away, that one is too young, that one is too beautiful, and the list goes on despite the fact that the ones that usually find me, and I in turn end up "helping" have issues that brought them to live on the computer in the first place. Again I lie to myself about having good intentions, and I swear to God I do, but that part of me that wants to be loved by everyone, and not touched by any always is there. No amount of lying in the world can get me past that fact, even if it has for so long. It is accidentally, through my own ism's the very embodiment of a psychological assassin, who feeds on others emotions. Not the bad ones, the good ones, and that is why I have always been able to justify it, and get away with it.

My next big problem that rears it's ugly head is that I cannot simply be honest with myself or anyone else through my honesty itself. As I beat everyone down with my constant sensational banter about being a pervert, and a normal man, many women find it endearing. "Look he is so honest" and until this point that was a crutch that I walked on, and walked all over the last girlfriend I had. "Hey, I'm honest, and you knew what you were getting yourself into" and it never really pans itself out that way. She hurt, I hurt, we remained friends afterwards, and my fallibility and all of it's wondrous benign wonder turned me again into {sorry to say it Rachel} Jim Morrison. A misunderstood poet, that so many women, just wanted to fix, and so many others wanted to fix them while stroking thier egos, in a way only a writer can. I wanted that so bad, and I was enjoying every minute of it. I knew that what I was doing was wrong the last few weeks, and I absolutely ached from my inner core, yet I am {right now yes} so addicted to the ability to be an icon on this stupid computer, that just admitting it in public hurts really bad. I seriously knew not what I was doing, until I did, and I tried to ignore it. I now just don't want to write anything, and everything from this point on is being forced out of me, but I still have some points to make that are very important, for the women and the men.

There are some rotten people on the internet, and I am no different than any of them. I might not actually have the bad intentions, that a lot of them do, but people like me are still a silent predator, who may, or may not know what they are doing. I saw myself today in the blog of the most evil bastard I think I have seen on the internet. When I say "seen" I mean really saw, right down to his core. I knew the control that that man wanted over the women he used to have control over. I watched him go a lot farther than I have {or would at this point .. I am much younger and far less experienced as a "playah" ... as he put it so eloquently}, and I noticed where I was going to be someday. He is past the point of actually just letting lose the women he controlled, or he made fall in love with him, he completely crushed thier hearts, and was downright proud of himself for it. At this point, although still very much sub-consciously coming out in the open, I still at least hurt, when I hurt someone. Congratulations Kevin {noting that I have the balls to say your name} you actually did teach someone a lesson in all of this. I seriously pity you, but I am going to start praying for myself first. Before I leave on Kevin, since you are so proud of your honesty maybe you should have the balls to mention that all those messages that you sent me pretending to be your girlfriend went unanswered, but did get me to read your blog like you wanted me to. I would know, I'm a playah after all.

This leads me to the last point of all of the problems that I actually created more than I solved. As I am here setting myself on fire and jumping into the gorge, I pray to God, seriously that whatever becomes of me, doesn't go in vain, as I am willing to finally confess, that it is more likely than not, because of me that everyone is losing thier ID's in 360. I haven't been reporting anyone, I haven't been encouraging it, other than being something that has created a lot of angry emotions among jealous people. I don't actually know who it is. I have my theories. I know what people were saying, I know what some of the accused were saying to me. I know that the one thing that every one of these people had was a link to Blogaholics Anonymous. It was only the Aladdin girls who took the brunt of it {Elonna you're on your own, you know why you got canned, and you learned from it, but it was a coincidence, and I love you sis}, and it was jealousy, plain and simple. I created that chaos, by giving a forum for the lunacy, and I apologize to everyone. If you ever meet a man like I was, or am capable of still, just get away from him. If you are a man like me, then please for the love of God, get help, before you end up 40 years old, and incapable of having a good relationship, and worse yet enjoying the destruction of others. In all reality I don't know what happens to the Crow now, I want to be what I was yesterday, I don't want to be what I am today. God Loves You And So Do I ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} Mental Rants & Political Rage {For Those That Like His Political Rantings} Mental Imagry & Random Perversion {Adult Stories .. Assume they are rated X} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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