Sunday, October 23, 2005

The Truth About Cats and Dogs - Volume 6

I got caught checking out the girl at Dunkin Donuts’ ass the other day. I mean she just totally called me out on it, and it was rather scary. She just turned around and looked at me, then said “You were looking at my butt weren’t you?”, and as soon as the redness started filling my face the horror of it all just set in. In a matter of less than a minute, my mind started racing around wondering what I was going to suffer, from this moment of being caught. It isn’t exactly Politically Correct to enjoy a good shot of someone bending over to grab the lids from under the counter at the coffee shop anymore. I mean, it’s not like she didn’t actually bend over in a way to NOT attract attention either, hell there was a part of me that wanted to grab it, if I was to be totally honest here. The fact that I leaned over to the side somewhat to get a better interior view of it, set off the alarms, so whatever was going to come out of this, I understood were my crosses to bare. This should teach me for going inside to buy my coffee, as I usually just go through the drive thru.

As the seemingly forever moment of “What the hell is she going to say to me now” was approaching, I thought to myself, “Is she going to get National Organization of Women on my unsuspecting self“. This would have led to a rather loud and obnoxious sermon on my “lack of right” to exist, or how people like me should go back to the dark ages. This started the inner turmoil of whether or not, her ass was really worth looking at or not {the answer to that at the time was … yes … it was actually a very nice ass, that kinda had the curvature necessary to be noticeable in polyester Dunkin Donuts uniform … um … bad Jeremy … bad … make with the repenting!}, and then it went strait to the stereotypical debate over how I would explain this to my girlfriend when the scene is described in the Portsmouth Herald. Of course it would then be picked up by the Boston Globe, and probably syndicated all the way back to the New York Times. “MAN LOOKS AT GIRL’S ASS … MANY LOOK ON AS HE IS THOUROUGHLY DEMASCULATED!”, because this is how the mind works now that checking out a woman’s figure is simply a newer form of mental rape in the mind of so many. I mean how ever will I show my face in this Dunkin Donuts again! The one down the road tastes like they use vinegar instead of water. Holy CRAP, this is the ONLY Dunkin Donuts in the area that DOESN’T SUCK! That in and of itself is punishment enough. Oh the INHUMANITY! Damn, her face is starting to break now, I am having trouble translating whether that is a scowl, or a smirk, but I wish she would just get it over with, and chew me the new one. I must be purple by now, and I am pretty sure that she is searching the recesses of her 20 year old mind for the most caustic thing she can possibly say. Oh yeah, she’s a college student too, and if that hasn’t changed in the last 15 years, she has probably learned that I am a criminal for this.

When I was sitting in traffic one day over the summer, in the sexy Kia Sedona {I know hot flashes ladies, I‘m sorry, but you know us playah‘s}, waiting for a traffic light to change I had this woman staring at me in the next vehicle over. I made like I didn’t see her, in hopes that the crusty thing on my nose would just go away, or that my wacky hair would just settle down. Truthfully, I just wanted to start driving so that I could wipe the crusty thing and fix my hair without the audience. The light of course took roughly 6 and a half hours, as they always do when you are being stared at, so I finally looked over at the woman, with a blank look on my face that was screaming “WHAT?” She responded by smiling and saying “Hey it’s a compliment” and then the light changed, and away she drove, never to be seen again. It’s like a professional hit, and I know that I as a man could never use a line like that, as it would simply send me to the PC farm, to be neutered. It was unfair on so many levels. I couldn’t get away with it to begin with, and here I was sitting with the knowledge that someone was checking me out, and chances are pretty good that it won’t happen again for a while. Carpe Diem.

I am still faced with a woman who knows that I was checking out her posterior, standing between me and my Large Black Ice Coffee. She doesn’t say a word to me, and that makes it all that much more scary. I didn’t think that NOT being screamed at could be the worst thing going. Oh boy, her and her friend are over whispering to each other by the Ice Coffee dispenser, but it’s a good sign, since she at least appears to be getting my Ice Coffee. I think they might be talking over assassination strategies, and they appear to be giggling, which means that they are really thinking up good ones. She didn’t spit in it, and it’s still in plain sight, so I don’t expect any surprises. Ok she is walking over here, I can’t gauge anything by that, she kinda walks grumpy looking anyway. Here comes the part where she would usually set it on the counter, and ring it up, but she doesn’t … uh oh … as she reaches right over the counter, and hands it to me directly. I better make eye contact with her, so I raise my glowing red face up to hers, where she winks, and says “Thanks Hun, you made my day,“ and then gave me the “shoo” gesture with her hand, after I grabbed the coffee … Did I forget to mention that all we ever do is flirt anyway? … oops … my bad … She did embarrass the piss out of me because the place was crowded, and I was checking out her ass a little too obviously. Needless to say, the thing I learned from this whole experience is, that I better get more discreet when checking out women at the coffee shop. I will get even though, don’t worry about that. Now sitting downtown with the coffee, is still more of an acceptable spectator sport, but I have also perfected that looking through someone stare, and the peripheral vision thing for that arena ;8o)

Question … Ever have an embarrassing “checking out the scenery” moment, you don’t mind sharing? Whether you or someone else did it :D