Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Monster In The Closet

God did I oversleep today, my head just won’t turn off the dreams, and I am now finding that rolling over in passion includes the alarm clock as well. Two extra hours, my head was able to mull about in the sinister muck, and I am not getting any of the same fulfillment out of it as I used to. I was called out in a way by a friend on it, and the words I used to describe my depravity over the last week was simply put as “My Claustrophobia of people places and things at the moment, are adding to my rather manic and depressed nature, and is causing me to have the old depression behaviors” {and I edited that slightly I will admit to spare some feelings} for better or for worse, my own mind HAS been out to get me, and a little more honesty on all of this wouldn’t hurt. I remember once I got really sick after eating {well admittedly about 2 pounds but rather irrelevant} Peroges , and that was bout 5 years ago, and I haven’t been able to eat one since. The thought of it brings me back to that place, I can taste all of the vomiting, and it is sad, and it is kinda scary, and with that driving is becoming difficult for the most part for me these days. Unfortunately unlike eating Peroges, it happens to be a necessity in my life today, to drive a car, and that in and of itself creates more chaos in my head, since I cannot take a break from it like I did the Peroges. This may be a blessing in disguise.

This incredible claustrophobia has taken on a new meaning, as I am feeling trapped in every aspect of my life right now. Trapped with three evil lil’ bastards, trapped with a far more evil Grandmother, trapped inside of my job, trapped within my relationships {yes all of them}, and I am FORCING myself to talk to people, and I hate it. I so desperately want to just grab a bag of clothes and just start running like I used to be able to, and I can’t. That too adds to the feeling of trapped, and my life is becoming one big claustrophobic nightmare. I have always hated people for the most part, or on a base level I should say, since realistically in the real world they are {in my mind} all cold cruel, heartless, backstabbing monsters. The monsters that always seem to find MY MONSTER, and beg it to come out and play. The online world has managed to give me that peace as for some ungodly reason typing, and reading has never qualified, it is perhaps the main reason I am here all the time, and why my thoughts manage to flow in here. I have never actually allowed myself to be popular before, so it is a very new, and yes, exciting avenue for me that I am popular {and yes I know I am going to suffer the wrath of e-mail from cowards who want to bring my ego down for that one comment, as I so truly deserve it … fuck off ahead of time}, in the scope of an invisible online community that DOES NOT make me claustrophobic for some reason.

Unfortunately I have yet to find a way to translate the whole typing out orders at work, and typing out lines to an AA meeting, or typing out lines to a girlfriend, or even typing out lines to my kids {especially when the 5 year old doesn’t read very fast}, to be all that productive. At the same time I spend too much time falling into my own world of excuses for why I need to be alone, or can’t talk, or need to get to the bathroom, etc etc etc, and my mind starts creating this “Fantasy Jeremy” every time I sleep, and I daydream things that are not in my reality, or I simply withdraw deeper into my own quagmire to escape the reality that I am in, and like anyone who is truly over sensationalized by his own thought, I live for the fantasy worlds to which I create.

Being forced into a supervision position REALLY isn’t helping at ALL as it really forces me to have to interact with people, and when you topple all of that in with the whole mess that is going on with interpersonal relationships outside of work clouding my ability to breathe, I just don’t know anymore. It just makes me want to close my eyes, yet again, and wisp away to the fantasy of my dreams, and pray that I never wake up. The unfortunate nature of manic depression is that often you so love the 50/50 gamble of going to bed in the first place, perhaps I will wake, perhaps I will not. My children need me and I always need to place them second in my life as that is the highest place anyone can be other than me who needs be firmly implanted as Numero Uno. I am starting to fear that Jeremy has NOT been the first thing that Jeremy worries about for a little too long again, and perhaps when the dust settles I will have to just endure.

{Speaking of which a miserable 76 year old woman just came in … Nag Nag Nag … Whine Whine Whine … geeze God strike me down where I sit … please … and yes I have given in to just ignoring her as I type this out, feels a lot better actually … great now she can‘t open the door … ack … she will always fucking win … brb, I have a fucking door to open}

Ok where was I … ok … I am not totally losing my grip on reality after all, I have managed to find a sweet voice in the darkness every once in a while, and I am grateful for the way that they drag me in, or make me think, or if need be … kick my ass. Until this phase of Jeremy is over with, I am sure that it is going to be an extremely manic ride. Desperately trying to come up with Superdaddyman stories to please my audience {giggling} isn’t going to be that easy when my mind is all about torrid sex, and running from those that love me. All highs … all lows … very rarely any in-betweens, and I thank you all, as always for listening to the “useless ramblings of a very sick man” … God Loves You and So Do I ;8o)