Saturday, October 8, 2005

Some More Reasons I am Jeremy Crow Afterall - Volume 2

So is it love that makes me the way I am, or is it simply desire, or lust? A few of the more notable issues in my mind, as I am patrolling the blogs this morning, and I see what appears to be a pattern amongst the beautiful ladies of my 360 world, and yes they are ALL beautiful. I sit here wondering if I have ever met a woman that I didn’t find attractive today, since it appears a fascination to me, as more of the women I have grown to adore as human beings are starting to post their pictures on their 360 pages. Each one of them inevitably makes me go ... Wow look at her! For those of you who have gotten comments, know that you are not alone, I am so easily inspired to tell people that they are beautiful, as I have no bad intentions {well usually anyway … lol … I am a man after all}, and everyone’s topics these days seem to be love and romance. I am no different than any of you in that regard. I am of course a man who happens to be easily prone to romantic adventures, and self seeking always dominates my day to day, so I ended up deciding that I wanted to explore this, after a blog comment to my Lovely Astrology Professor {me and my damn codenames I know} about the simple topic of “love” and how confusing it really is.

It’s rather simple when you get down to it. Love has always been dictated by my ability to NOT SEE, what is actually there. I have been in and out of love so often in my life that there is a revolving door on my brain that has a sign saying “Love” above it. I have fallen for just about every type of woman imaginable at this point in my life too. I married a “Wedding Gown Model” who made Anna Nicole Smith {on her best days thank you very much} feel “less than” at best. A former “Miss New Hampshire” {admittedly they aren’t the ones you are drooling to see, at the Miss USA pageant, but hey it is the state I am in damnit}, who other than her 45 thousand issues, was a very nice decoration for my arm, and then ended it all with a woman who was so much younger than me that, at times, I felt like a pervert. All three were downright beautiful, and I often ended up looking at women of what some would call “lesser quality” to fulfill my emotional needs. Little do people know that I was very much taken by their beauty as well. Part of my self discovery today is to acknowledge beauty, and to accept that women are to be admired sometimes as things to look at as apposed to things to psychoanalyze, and try to treat with 100% respect all the time. I know it sounds crass, but there is a method to my madness.

As I have laid out to everyone over the last two months, I have been able to call a spade, a spade, in the sense that I often gloss on and on about what turns me on, and the things I do to satisfy that drooling wanton animal inside of me. I use a little too much honesty at times, as I go on about sitting in downtown Portsmouth, just admiring the gorgeous women in business skirts {oh man I need to take a minute to reflect on the images in my mind … ok back to writing}, because it is a hell of a lot healthier than how I was before. Ask around if you like, I would have NEVER said any of the things I do today, three months ago, and do you know what it got me? Hopelessly lost in whatever woman would have me, and totally in denial over the fact that I am a man with needs and wants and desires. The abuse that I would endure from a woman, and my own need to be so incredibly dedicated to her that anything I thought, or needed, or should have downright demanded out of life, had no bearing on any of the paths I was on for my own personal future. I was one egomaniacal bitch after another’s scratching post, and when it was all said and done I was almost always left with nothing but bad memories. It’s kinda sad really, as most of you have probably noticed that the humorous, life loving, story telling, often flirtatious, pervert that is writing this blog DID NOT exist, this time last year.

Another sad note, is that when I go into my emotionally un-available stages, as I have so often done this year, I become somewhat of a cherished relic among women, some who want to save me, others who just want to own me, and very rarely any who actually want to love me. My own personal demons are so hidden away that the stories I tell, and all of the tattling I do on myself doesn’t even realistically get taken into consideration. I am often the guy with the smile, and the romantic mind, and the ability to use words to my advantage. The good father {geeze I still can’t believe how many people are still snowed on that one … lol}, the hard worker, the often suitable provider, the man who wears his feelings on his sleeve, and treats everyone as his equal, are often delusional objects to be focused on. It reminds me to thank God everyday, that I am way out here in Nooooo Hampshah, where I am safe from anyone who could actually get inside of me, and either play around a while, or actually try to reach me as I am crying over something stupid.

Love to me is a combination of all four of these questions … a no on any of them might bring about a false sense of love, or an unhealthy lust …

Do I find her beautiful on the outside?
{that’s the easy one as all women are Goddesses on a pedestal to me … check box one … ok}

Do I find her beautiful on the inside?
{Here is where I become really jaded, hard centered and crass, as I have definitely found beauty in almost everyone, but rarely do I find someone who is downright gorgeous inside … check box two … ok}

Does she find me to be beautiful inside?
{I think this one might actually be an easy one, as I am pretty sure that I project a complication to many, but a decent person in most factors of life … check box three … ok}

Does she have good intentions when I inevitably fall in love with her?
{This one is very difficult indeed as I find myself often mired in one failed relationship after another based on the exact nature of , my feeling, my emotions, and my happiness rarely have any bearing on the relationship … check box four … who knows}

I know today that “Beauty is only skin deep and ugly rots from the core”, I am so much more prone to be intellectually in love with someone today, as I need to be stimulated through my mind. I can create romance, and passion at any time I want, and I often have a trail of willing victims to assist me in that quest. It is a very rare woman who can give me honesty, respect, and heartfelt desire. The need to have me actually at one with her, and want nobody else to be that close, simply because she realizes it is merely a waste of her time, to try to find someone else to do that, like I feel that way in return. There is plenty enough “eye candy” to go around for everyone after all, and finally being honest about that is making all of the difference in the world to me today ;8o)