Sunday, October 9, 2005

Slaying Monsters and Demons

I know I should be watching my football game right now, but I have to make the appendix to my escapades of last night. I am sitting here, still a mess, my mind is just ruined. I am rather impressed though, that I did nothing of a destructive nature last night. My last really good panic attack, about 4 years ago resulted in my killing a dog, and of course, going to jail for the night. The dog attacked me, and the man who owned it was a criminal, who was sought after by the police. I guess you could call it an Incredible Hulk style panic attack, as I even got let out of jail the next morning with a reward for beating this guy half dead … roflmao … but I must say that as I sit here, having slept in my own bed last night after one of my best panic attacks in years, I have to note the great improvement for I wasn't in a cell. I also have to thank everyone on a few different levels as I sit here in wondrous humility. First and most importantly I shall just say thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being the coolest gang of friends a sicko like me could ever hope for. Your comments that I woke up to today, were just enough to make me have those tears of joy I am so used to from you guys. Secondly, as I crawled through all of your blogs last night, wounded and scared, I grabbed the strength of all of you. When I was done I finally got around to picking through all of your photo galleries, and was able to sleep, and that was such a great gift.

Back to the monsters, and the animals, I must say that when I am reduced to such an animalistic state, that my dreams reflected all of that. I woke up in a total cold sweat numerous times throughout the day, as I went to sleep somewhere around 2:30am, and woke up at about 12:30pm, with numerous “wake-ups” in between to sweat and breathe. The three phases of animal instinct … kill … feed … procreate … and it was the filthiest night of dreams I can ever imagine. No romance, as animalistic passionate sex dominated everything that was dreams for Jeremy last night. I think it is why I was able to sleep for 10 hours which is roughly 5 more hours than I have slept in about 2 years. I don’t know if God had anything to do with it or not, but I do note that I was more prone to just roll over and get back to the excitement, as the big brain was so sticking it to the little brain. The funniest sector of all of this is that I am amazed that yesterday was the first day that I didn’t have a romantically stimulated erotic dream in weeks. I had a rather scary nightmare that woke me up early, and trust me Leora was happy to have it to play around with, as I had gotten the biggest response from her in all the time we have been interpreting dreams together. I think she was sick of all of the sex dreams after all. I will spare her from the stories of last night. Many dozens, Blondes .. Brunettes .. And Redheads … OH MY … some I recognize {yea chew on that one a while ladies}, some I already had {lol}, and many I don’t reccognize at all {I blame Elonna’s photo galleries for those} but the important thing to me is to understand that I am growing everyday, like it or not.

My space was immediately re-violated this afternoon, as an incredibly over naggy grandmother has found me to totally invade my space {and don’t think that she has NOT been a very large part of my anxiety issues over the last decade … truth resembles fiction as the term Greektradgedius Inyiddish is a basis of a woman who‘s entire life is a sorry tale of woe, with a LOT of Jewish mother mixed in, and it is all BULLSHIT, and hard to listen too on a day to day basis, but I swallow my pills whole yanno}, and I actually had to be a little curt with her, because as life dictates, “If I do NOT take care of me then everything else fails”. I also often say “I treat myself like number one, because nobody wants to be treated like number two”, and it is the truth in life for EVERYONE. I did go downtown to sit alone out front of the coffee shop, and watch the church going skirts {meeeooooowww} , which was very therapeutic, and had a wonderful chat with “My Long Lost Little Brother” that reminded me as always that I am not alone in my quest for Nirvana, when I got back home. I also have a tendency to help, more than I hurt today, and that really means the world to me to know. Honestly tattling on myself is the key to every gift I have received as of late, and I damn well intend on continuing that trend.

So I am going to try to clean this nasty pigsty, as my former mother-in-law {the ONLY person in that family worth a shit, who also has anxiety disorder} has so very wonderfully agreed to drop the kids off to me. She totally agrees that I am in no shape to go anywhere, THANK GOD, and I am going to leave you all on that note … Good Day, God Bless, and you ALL know I love you ;8o)