Sunday, October 9, 2005

Slayed Monsters and Carrying on the Fight

Ok so here is the last ranting of this sick little man, as I am still learning about me today, I am sharing it with you. It usually takes 3 blogs to cleanse … lol … I feel that my own personal experience with the whole Panic Issue, is that this one has me so drained, I had fought off the release so hard, that the lack of release {although the filthy dreams might count it wasn’t the damaging rage, that I am used to} might be allowing it to linger. Realistically I am scared and confused, and my kids are here with me now, which is a first, as I have never had them during a moment like this. My last attack was before I got custody, and the one before that was before I even met their mother. Their nagging, and bothersome tendencies are actually teaching me so much about me, and I think that we might be accidentally making headway into their own personal development at the same time. I might actually have one of those rare weakened moments where I can say, I am not that bad of a father after all. I will of course deny this and come back at a later time to strip it out of the blog if anyone tries to use that statement against me.

I am being nagged by 2 evil lil bastards {as Big Evil noticed right away that her daddy was craven and said “I’m going to Chelsea’s for the night” … thank God for her ability to eliminate herself from situations like her daddy} and one ancient evil bastard who really wants to see me melt down, I am starting to think. I am 100% using my intellectual powers to walk over the eggshells that my mind is creating for me. I think at this time I should point out that Mr. Spock is what got Star Trek on the map to begin with, as we all wish we could walk around emotionless, and just logically deal. I am using that ability right now. True chaos of the mind, is having to answer peoples questions when you desperately want your brain to shut off. Children and Grandmothers, do not have the ability to gauge what is just “too damn much” when you want the voices to stop, so I am trying to be diplomatic, and I think there is a chance for us all to learn.

As I walked upstairs to get my dinner, and sit down, I was inundated with the pandemonium of “PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” coming at me from all directions. I stopped everyone, and then calmly said “Daddy needs to get his food, and sit down, then he can calmly talk to all of you. If you don’t let him get his food and sit down he is going to get very angry about it, when all we have to do is wait, ok?”, and I note that they seemed to get it. Upon the circus starting up again, I calmly finished what I was chewing, swallowed it, and said, “Daddy needs to be able to eat, and he isn’t supposed to talk with food in his mouth. If you don’t let daddy eat his food, he is going to get angry, and it doesn’t need to happen” and with that we had our first calm and casual dinner in … well … fuckin’ EVER!

I then calmly … breathing a lot … went upstairs to play Captain ADHD’s new video game with him. I think I learned that if I invest the 5 minutes it took to hold the paintball gun, and fire at the screen until I was eliminated, it might have actually kept him happy for a few hours even. I am learning, and I was then able to say to him “As a good big brother you should teach your sister how to play this, she loves it when you show her things” and with that I have been left alone now for over an hour. I guess I am the proverbial old dog, learning the new tricks. My writing is helping me a lot, as it always has, it’s one of those “Kiss it to God” things I always talk about. God knows everything about me and all, but I am pretty sure that God wants confirmation, that I KNOW these things sooner or later.

I am stealing my own material here, but I told someone earlier, who has very likely had worse times than I have in his life “God has kept you around to do his work, and often that is to just be a power of example to others.” and I then went on to tell him that it is a calling, and he shouldn’t ignore it. I have found this to be true, in my life, as I desperately do whatever I can {as pathetic as I often find it to be} to keep my children from ever having to feel the total abandonment that my parents put me through.

I would NEVER want anyone to ever have to go through the bullshit of asking themselves everyday “Why was I not good enough for you?” as I mired my own existence with for so many years. As an alcoholic, I had symptoms of my diseases that were so obvious that I am forced to have to look outward to the people who didn’t have such glaring symptoms of their problems and say “I am here for you too you know?“ Here I say this again out loud so I remember that I know it, “You are what your parents make you, if you chose to stay that way then blame you”, so that I can go on and remember that for better or sometimes worse. I AM BETTER, once again, much love, and thank you all for posting blogs, as I am just living vicariously through them again today. I respectfully submit this update as a thank you, because as a friend I want you all to know I am ok. Any of you that worry about me do it out of love, and IT IS my job as a friend to make sure you all know I am ok ;8o)