Saturday, October 29, 2005

Oh The Wonderful Past Wreckage - Volume 2

Ok … first off it is going to be one of those blogs so get your safety glasses on. I had a pretty cool blog all ready for posting today, and as the story goes “That’s what you get for planning ahead Jeremy”, but the situation at the Casa Di Evils’s, as it appears to be forming right now, needs to be reported on. If you relate to what I am about to tell you, let me just say ahead of time, “I’m sorry” because once I get started I am pretty damn sure I am not going to have an “off” switch to apologize to you later. Here goes nothing …

So my morning here starts a little earlier than I would like it to. I like to get up at about noon, but we are having some rather loud, obnoxious morning here, so I was pretty much startled awake at 11am. No biggie, I had gone to be a few hours early this morning anyway, so I just got up to see which one of the evils’s I should kill and then maybe, I would go and try to get some more sleep. Now like most of you have gone through at least once in your life, I’m sure my Aunt is upstairs in the living room with a dead cat, and my kids are absolutely losing their marbles. Sounds familiar right? … Ok so I would have thought this scene to be pretty fucked up myself if I wasn’t already 35 years into this science experiment that we call “my family”, and why even sugar coat it huh?

“Why the hell do you have a dead fucking cat in my house?’ and yes you could hear the kids stop going mental long enough to gasp, as daddy never uses those words around them. The story went sorta like this. She took her cat to the Veterinarian. After bringing it home it died, because the stress was obviously too much for it {go figure, a mean cat, that bites and scratches everyone constantly, that is fat as a full grown pig, can’t handle stress?}, and she of course figured that after she upset all of my kids with this little gem, she would bury the thing in MY back yard. Why the hell not? It can go next to the {asshole dog that used to bite everyone, and was too fat}, the other asshole dog {that used to bite everyone and was too fat}, and the 4 other cats {that scratched everyone and was too fat{, and I hope you are noticing two trends that need to be broken. First of all, this woman is NOT to be trusted with the care of animals, and second MY FUCKING HOUSE IS BECOMING A PET CEMETARY!

The saddest acclaim that I have to add to this woman is that her fucking kids are just like her fucking pets, except I denote a few differences. Of course they are spoiled rotten and lash out at everyone, because it makes them feel better, but they unlike these “doomed from the second SHE owns them” pets, are both anorexic! It is their weapon to use against their mother … “Do as I say, or I’ll starve myself, and you know I will” … I am not making light of this trust me, as I am inflicted miserably with the “family disease” of vicious anorexia, and bulimia, but it is important to point out, as I am forced to stand here looking at a woman holding a dead cat, and traumatizing my children, that THIS INSANITY is handed down! Some of the family use it to, abuse others, many of them cause it, and then you have the ones like myself that do generally hate ourselves and want to die, and here I am finally understanding WHY! “I would appreciate it if you would take your dead cat outside at the very least, and NOT bring it into my house … thank you,” was about all I could muster, as I shooed her outside, and was now forced to have the “death talk” with the kids.

Now the “death talk” went about as well as the “menstruation talk”, the “yes your penis just gets big sometimes talk”, the “please stop peeing on the floor in your room talk”, and all of the other wonderful talks that I have had to endure, but I have every right in the world to be pissed the fuck off for having to have one of these talks, first thing in the morning because my fucking manic Aunt thinks everyone wants to look at her DEAD CAT! To make it even worse, now that she has inter-fucking-grated all of us into her funeral plans for this dead cat, Greektradgedius Inyiddish, has scheduled a fucking Bar-B-Q, as a sort of funeral for a dead fucking cat that we ALL HATED! Did I mention that I have been volunteered to run this whole gala affair? In the FUCKING SNOW! Oh my Lord, if I ever get as totally fucking loony as this woman please just show up here and kill me, because this is the same woman who jumped all over me for traumatizing Lazius Boycrazius, by saying that if she is lazy, she might end up like her mother? A DEAD FUCKING CAT IN MY LIVINGROOM DOESN’T CREATE TRAUMA??

It is definitely times like this that I thank God I don’t drink. The actual thought of having to deal with this crap, if I were drunk, scares the ever loving shit out of me. Speaking of which, I have to go get the Bar-B-Q going so I can feed a bunch of drunken adults, can mourn {excuse being a DEAD FUCKING CAT, that everyone hated}, and share stories about the good ol’ days. I am hard pressed to think of any good ol’ days I can actually share with any of these people, as the only things involving them I talk about actually are because I am laughing AT THEM, not WITH THEM. I find it rather sad, that it has come to the point where their own over-glorified excuses to drink have to wrap my family {and when I say MY family I mean the 3 kids I need to get way from these other retards}, totally fucked up in the process of said stupidity, but I guess when you are totally sick and pathetic, the only joy left is the recruitment of others. The fact that these women that I am related too, have driven every man except me AWAY from here, falls on deaf ears, and I am lucky that I could care less. The fact that they all point their little boney fingers at me and tell me that I remind them of such and such, or so and so, falls on deaf ears as well. The insanity stops here. I’ll probably just bury them all in the back yard with their fucking pets.

As soon as I get this crap over with, I am going to isolate in my den with a box of pictures, get some more scanning done {my usual Lori-less Saturday ritual} and clean out my 360 and messenger lists {another weekend ritual teeheehee} … something about unnecessary bullshit and drama always makes me yearn to change my playgrounds and playmates … God loves you and so do I, enjoy your Saturday night ;8o)