Sunday, October 16, 2005

It Really Is The Final Countdown

Here I sit, after a night of uploading photos to my galleries, and feeling sorry for myself. I haven’t really known what it is in this world I am working towards, and I often try to get past the muck and mire of my little existence through levity and whatever else seems to work. My manic moments can be quite enlightening to many, yet I still wonder quite often if I am losing me everyday. I look at the comments on yesterdays blog and I am thinking “WOW, how in the name of GOD can you get that type of a reaction?”, and I realize that my honesty and lightheartedness at times makes me a perfect candidate to have people open up sometimes, and other times my brutal honesty, or do-gooderness, can be a total curse. I really should have been with a gang of friends last night but my own brain chose a wrong time to attack me, and I am still feeling the strange effects of manic behavior, as I do some things that just make me miserable despite good intentions or self preservation. While I was sitting here all day feeling sorry for myself I placed a rather large wall up, and just pretended to be ok, while I just let the world pass by, as quickly as I could let it.

I did my usual night off things with a twist, because I was actually unable to take on any more emotions as I climb out of my hole, I was spending time with my kids instead of blogging. By saying spending time with my kids I mean, scanning my photo albums and putting them into my Yahoo photo galleries … lol … It’s a start anyway. My kids have been powerless over my moods lately, and they have been unable to get any reaction out of me whatsoever as I lay in my muck, of just wanting to get to the end. I often assume that the end is the day I get rid of Imtoocutus, and then head off to parts unknown where I can live my life, alone, the way God intended me. Factually speaking, I am not naïve to the fact that, when I get there I will probably be faced with the really tough decisions in that, am I done then, or do I then start widdling away the time to the next finality. In the mean time I will simply do whatever it takes to damage me right now. That sick cycle carousel, that for some ungodly reason either stops and I don’t get off, or as my mind looks at it {probably delusional at best} never stops and I am trapped.

If I had a brain, which many in the real world don’t accuse me of often, I would simply allow the love and support of those around me to seep in instead of actually trying to push everyone away, and worse yet do things to sabotage it. I spent many hours last night with almost a dozen different people trying to help them sort out different things, or of course at times, forcing it on a few … lol … I am a Pisces after all, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am emotionally bankrupt, when it pertains to me. This might actually be one of them, and I just need to let go of everything, and start living. Not living again, but living in the first place. I have spent too much time living vicariously through others, and not spending enough time living vicariously through myself. Not much I can do there at times, as I really hate being a parent, especially a single parent. I am totally sick and tired of seeing what other people think and feel, and placing a greater value on IT than what I think and feel, and I am god damn sick and tired of being the bigger person in a lot of scenarios. My soul is sick, and it isn’t getting any better being the man who speaks truth, and doesn’t really believe it himself. I have devised a checklist of the things I am doing A.S.A.P. and I am going to take more time doing it than doing this …

I am going to find a way out of my employment situation even if that means suing the fuckers…

I am going to kiss my girlfriend’s ass everyday because she so deserves it for putting up with my BS …
I am going to spend more time with my kids so that they will be more like kids, than cartoons…
I am going to find more reasons to like myself, without needing people telling me I should like myself …
I am going to take more time on me than on anyone else, and if the world falls apart … oh well …
I am going to take the time to enjoy more of the things that I have, instead of what I want …
I am going to find once and for all the reason to live now instead of the reason to get to the end of things …

Until next time … whenever that may be … bittersweet goodbyes from the Crow …