Monday, September 26, 2005

Things you learn with a Bad Back - Volume 6

Every time I write one of these stupid "Bad Back" volumes I just pray that it is the last one. I realize that they were what pretty much got my blogging ball rolling, but I just want to get back to serious life issues like chasing around Captain ADHD, and Imtoocutus, but I digress, here goes nothing ... I am using this font to signify the pain I am in, and because it reminds me of Imtoocutus :D

I got absolutely NO sleep last night. The combination of terror, over the impending 4 hour therapy marathon, and the fact that I had been spoiled the last 3 nights made Superdaddyman, just a little bit cranky, as he showed up for the appointment. I pretty much already figured out the whole scenario. I would go in there, some totally hot babe {disguised as a physical therapist}, would then torture me for 4 hours, forcing me to embarrass myself due to my slight “pain fetish” that I have managed to keep from just about everyone besides the poor woman who does my tattoos, and until I stopped wearing sweats to my old PT, her as well. Oh yes, many levels of sick, come out of me at times like these you see. Needless to say, I am also not thrilled that it has been told to me AHEAD of time by all of the newly recruited members of Mophaka Al-Queholic {MAQ}, the terrorist organization led by none other than the evil mastermind Greektradgedius Inyiddish, that I will be in far more pain after this “hell” test, then before. As I sit here typing hunched over I must say that it is nice to have some honesty, but why should it start now … ouch.

I walked into the front for MAQ, which was disguised as “Access Sports Medicine and Orthopedics”, to see … ah yes … they did their research on what makes Superdaddyman HOT too … a gorgeous Auburn Haired Goddess, with legs up to her armpits {and for you boob perverts … you would have been happy with that feature too}, and a very tight skirt on like something one of the Williams sisters would be wearing at the US open! I was instinctively thinking, I should probably just go over and introduce myself to her seeing as she was going to make the next 4 hours of my life hell anyway. I was thinking up what to say … something along the lines of … “My name is Jeremy, and although I am going to look like I am trying to pole vault out of here in an hour or so, I just wanted you to know ahead of time that I am taken, and very happy with that … How are you??” and flash that little smirk that usually gets me out of a lot of the things I say.

“Hello, you must be Jeremy, my name is Chad, and I am going to be conducting your Workplace Evaluation Test,” a very cheerful little man said from behind me, as I very quickly wiped the drool … oops I mean … eye boogers out of my eyes with my shirt. “Ok now before I start I want you to understand that you are probably going to be leaving here in a lot of pain .. I hope someone said something to you about it?” as I stood there trying to glance over his shoulder one last time as Tawny Kittaen’s much hornier looking sister as she toddled off with some 89 year old man. My first thought was on how I would ever face my blogging public without some story about how I got an erection during this whole ordeal. Well let’s see what we can come up with.

He wasn’t actually a bad guy, but I wasn’t too thrilled with doing all of the things repeatedly, that the doctor tells me, I will regret forever, if I do them. I actually made it almost 3 hours before I finally let out that “OUCH!” that signified … um … problem! So here I am just hunched over like that
wicked old mechanic at work that actually broke his back twice, and I can’t even fathom the thought of standing upright. My right leg was starting to go numb, which is NEVER a good sign, because it always means temporary paralysis the next day, and I just so happened to look out toward the front desk to see … “The Mother of all the Evils’s!!!” … OMFG … kill me now. She’s here on another one of her insurance scams, to see me bent over like her uncle Sid {the corn farmer}, which probably will make it all worth while to her, when she gets denied. Oh man … It’s even worse, I have an erection now … why me! I thank God that Chad was sympathetic to my plight as he concealed Superdaddyman, behind the curtain, just in time to avoid the tragedy, of having to be humiliated by the Ex-Wife, and NOT the one who kisses other women in front of his Grandmother either! This is the one who usually humiliates him by what she does when he is NOT around.

The last of the visit went by pretty easily since they had stood me upright, and had already accomplished the task of totally f*cking me up again, as I am still pretty sure they had intended, all along. As Superdaddyman was leaving the building, he still had the opportunity to take another look at the Auburn Haired Goddess to see if she had killed the old man yet, and perchance to just fanaticize a little about “What could have been”! Oh but I will have to wait for my next spinal injection, to be totally tormented, but it gives me something to look forward .. ahem … I mean … um … be totally afraid of, in a few weeks. I walked out the door wondering if I should have changed into my jeans from my sweats, but I just wanted to get home. I made it as far as the stairs to hear the most annoying voice I had ever heard in my life {I still wake up screaming in the middle of the night, just thinking about it} … “Oh my God! What are yeeeeeewwwww doing heeeeeeaaaaaah?”, and as I stopped and turned toward her to be polite, she looked down {cuz she is a whore after all}, and then looked back up at my face with a little smirk of her own, “So are you happy to see me again, or did that leggy Redhead, just beat on ya?” … so much for the crap I thought was a secret. ;8o)