Thursday, September 1, 2005

Things you learn with a Bad Back - Volume 5

God it’s been a slow week around here, I’ve been to sick to go into the chat rooms, because the fast moving screen has been giving me vertigo. On the off chances that I have been able to go in there, it’s been almost like, any of the people worth a crap, have been on vacation or something. The serious cartoon characters have been running the show anyway, so there really hasn’t been much reason to stick around anyway. I of course am willing to blame this all on being a total crabby pants, and will drop the subject altogether until I am feeling better, then it will be back to blaming everyone else because then it couldn’t possibly be me. Being this sick also adds a new layer to the whole bad back scenario, in the most obvious ways. I have made it well known that sneezing, and constipation are the two worst enemies of the ruptured disk crowd, and wouldn’t ya know it, I have two choices right now. The first of my choices is have massive sneezing fits, that create ripples of pain down my spine constantly, or the second being, take the things that will drain my sinuses, and help me to store poop for weeks at a time. The beauty of the second plan is that I am still sneezing quite a bit. On a much brighter note, I don’t have physical therapy anymore to make this all worse {said with a smile}, even though the “hottie touching me” factor is gone in my life, I have managed to make up for that with having a nurse for a girlfriend anyway {and YES I do have a doctors note that specifically says I am allowed to have a relationship that is sexual in nature … and YES I also MADE Dr Jeckle give me one since the insurance company wants me to do the wrong thing, and bust my ass for it!!}. The last couple of physical therapy sessions were the worst of course {the really sick side of me tried to convince myself that it was because they found out I was having SEX!!} and I finally had proof that they were trying to torture me all along. Walking in there and saying “Look I worked a lot harder, now that I can lift 30 lbs, instead of 5, and I just got out of 8 hour days which I haven’t done in 3 months,” was met with, “Oh I totally understand, and now we are going to show you how to work through pain, by giving you twice as many exercises today,” … It wasn’t Barney songs going through my head, I’ll tell you that, and the day they told me that I was on enough of the advanced exercises, to continue my therapy at home without their help, was just what I wanted to hear. I of course altered the therapy a little more to include more sex, and less of those stupid knee lifts, but I shouldn’t have to tell most of you about working the program MY way, should I. Ok … back to the things that weren’t fun to learn.

Remember the fun I had talked about with getting calls about doctors appointments and minor surgeries at the last second? Well it hasn’t stopped yet! I can’t believe as I was typing up this stupid blog entry, that I just received another call about a doctors appointment roughly a 2 hour drive away tomorrow (today as you are reading this), which the sorry ass excuse this time was that they had my address wrong, so I didn’t receive the letters. The last few times, it was having the wrong phone numbers. I wasn’t playing this time! I immediately put my wonderful masterpiece on hold {hit the save button of course before one of the members of “Operation Get Daddy” found out that important stuff was on the computer and decided to … well … destroy it}, and proceeded to call the wonderful insurance woman to … you know … calmly discuss the situation as I happened to see it {wickedly evil … fiendish laughter}, and I assume help her by talking about HER problems as well. After several wonderful moments of explaining my side of this whole issue {loudly, while saying less than sober things about her mother, and the goat that obviously fathered her} she was obviously drawn very lovingly to my side of the argument. I could hear with much happiness, and jovial bliss how she was just overjoyed to reimburse me for ABSOLUTELY everything … including the gas, and whatever crap I feel like ingesting when I stop at Taco Bell … damnit!! The only amusing part of all of this, is that I have been far too nice all along, and she was rather amazed at how quickly I felt I could get to Hartford Connecticut while this pissed off. In other words I re-learned something that I learned when I was in the Oogie Boogie ward 13 years ago … If passive, and assertive don’t get it done … RAM AGGRESSIVE DOWN THEIR THROAT AND APPOLOGIZE TO GOD LATER!

I am absolutely thrilled that my boss at work reads my blog everyday, because I will simply let the blog speak for itself when I punch out at about 3 hours earlier than I have to, while displaying proudly the Massachusetts state bird, since that is where I have to drive to tomorrow I might as well practice. I haven’t even used the trump card that I really should have thought to use all along, and it looks something like this. I don’t like my mother, and I definitely don’t like lawyers, but I am pretty happy to know that my mother has married better lawyers than these people could get an appointment with. Love Ya Mean It! ;8o)