Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Things You Learn When You Write A Blog - Volume 4

I decided to use my actual IM font today just for the mood of this blog it is about IM's afterall and it is time for more tattling on myself … So today I am trying to be serene, and I am failing quite a bit, but it has been quite a week after all. I am officially as I write this on my 4th night strait of less than 4 hours sleep {and it will be 5 tommorrow, I can tell already}, as the bio agent that was set loose, has made me a nursemaid to 4 sick kids … one 5, one 7, one 13, and one 76 {today … happy b-day Greektradgedius Inyiddish}. The whole “incident” the other night, just exemplified what this week has been to me. I was furious that I didn’t get so much as a call from either of the two involved to let me know they were ok, but I did {grudgingly} get communication from her sister telling me she was ok. With that I was totally able to have closure, and go on from there. I washed my hands of it, and was totally able to start anew … HA … I am as sick as them. I started doing the manic dance for the rest of the day!

I was doing my best after all, and despite an IM from the scorned girlfriend of the party of the first part, asking me to spy on the two of them {co-dependant co-dependant co-dependant co-dependant}, and a phone call from him, asking me to stop telling her the truth {which is I believe that he going to do it again, and again, and again, and that he needs to prove something before he gets trust … sheesh}, when she asks. I have not been in contact with any of them. We know it will stay that way until they need something. I blame both of them equally, I just have the one still trying to justify it, and omitting, and I ain’t playing any more. Sick is sick damnit. If you aren’t part of the cure, then you are part of the symptoms after all. Or worse yet, the cause. My self righteousness is running roughshod, but I have to be true to ME, and helping others doesn’t mean hurting me either, and I have made a solemn oath (well bout 20 minutes ago} to just dump it. Of course I have said that before anyway.

Ok ….. Here’s where the fun begins. Since I decided that a good chunk of the people I have allowed my life to be infiltrated with were nothing more than “Ego Vampires” {a term I have also used for years} as it was so wonderfully put in comments on my blog, I needed to do some house cleaning! I set my IM status as “cleaning out my lists” and I meant it {wickedly fiendish laughter fills all of Yahoo, as the thunder claps, echoes violently … MUAWHAHAHAHA} . I just started a fire sale in the ol’ messenger list, that could be talked about for decades. {Picture in your mind now, “The Count” from Sesame Street} One! … One little Ego Vampire! Ha Ha Ha Ha … TWO! TWO LITTLE EGO VAMPIRES! HA HA HA HA! .. I was off and running, and before I knew it I had deleted over 50 people from my IM list!

I started with all the people, who were in the section {because I keep them all in different categories} “Keep an Eye On” … This of course was the category that I put all of the sick ass freaks that I didn’t trust, but had been on my IM list at one time or another. I just wanted to know, what those emotionally raping, lying, back stabbing, up to no good a-holes were up to. Just like everyone else does right? … Ok … I finally got the point that that was probably not good for me and I eliminated all of them. My own disease is still there don’t worry about it after all.

I then moved on to the “Kinda Friends” section {You all have one of those right?}, and eliminated all of them. To earn your place in that section, you had to be a known gossip, a disrespectful friend to others {not me of course}, and generally someone who never talked to me unless you ran out of other people to spread the dirt too. Honesty dictates that I say I’m going to miss some of them. Honesty also dictated that I probably never really needed them. I have my blogs for the good gossip now … Mental note … 360 next!

The closer friends list was harder you see, as a lot of these people were actually decent people, I was thinking to myself. I mean they always have a lot of problems … A LOT OF PROBLEMS, and they often, well actually rarely … well … oh screw these people, they are mostly takers damnit, so off went their heads. I was starting to get into the BIG list territory now, the “Best Friends” section. Now all of these people should be able to stay, because they are on the TOP of the list after all! Ok … I thinned that herd too, but after eliminating the 50 something people on my IM list I was down to … 78 ???? Oh My GOD, how co-dependant can you be man … ok … more thinning … The shame and the horror of it all, I mean, when you started your little foray into the online world, you were just going to a stupid chat room weren’t you? … Hey, now that we are on that subject … give me my Trillian … I am taking care of THAT once and for all too! It will be a cold day in hell, when I go back to that chat room anyway, going in there became a foray into who can occupy Jeremy’s attention the best. The second I went in there 20 something IM’s would pop up, “Guess who’s doing who … Know what I heard … isn’t that such and such a bitch”, and I was too damn co-dependant to say crap. That was the real reason I stopped going in there, I never got to enjoy the banter, and when the IM flurries ended, all that was ever left in the room were the meanies … ack! I can’t believe I desperately wanted to be “chat” popular at one time. Oh well {giggle}… I might as well just use Trillian, for my friends list. I only kept messenger because it was easier in the chat rooms. Ok … Trillian loaded {damnit, I always forget that Trillian eats a few friends as a ritual sacrifice too … damnit … I‘ll make amends later}… messenger deleted … woooohoooooooo … freedom is coming!

“I am tearing apart 360 next!” was going through my mind, but something very strange happened … I forgot to set my “ignore those not on list”, and I ended up getting an IM… It was a woman that is absolutely despised by many in the “room” I used to hang out in. Not by me, I always loved her, but by so many others. I often had to defend the fact that I talked to her in IM’s with my wonderful other friends … “The Beautiful People” would have hated the fact that she had the audacity to be looking for me last night, because no good would come of that, and the poison of so many had started to seep into my soul, as I was worried I was going to “get it“ too.

You see, she heard I was hurting, so she consulted the almighty “BLOG” {which up until that point I never knew she read any of them}, and she read what so many others, saw and commented on, but she went one step further … well a lot of steps further actually … she actually tried to get in touch with me, because she was generally worried about ME. She had gone as far as to get a friend to drive out here with her in a moments notice, and make sure I was ok. She didn’t even know where I lived, but she was very concerned. Fortunately I had been working it through, thanks to my other friends, and my way of placing her mind at ease, was to give her my phone number, and address. Instinctively I knew that at the very least, she should never have to worry about finding me again. I owed her that. She just wanted to tell me to take care of ME, and then we did something that I hadn’t actually done with anyone all day … we talked. To be fair later I did get to talk about bowling with another friend which is always cool too, but it didn’t fit the story … lol … Not about depression, problems, and anger, because all of my 360 friends, had already taken hold of me and I was recovering quite well from the pain, we talked about life, and we laughed, and we were happy just talking. I think she was the final step to making me …. Jeremy again.

Anyone who is happy that I am back to me, owes it to a bunch of people who have NOTHING to do with that damn room, a few that do {and I appreciate them as well}, and a person that many wish wouldn’t go to the room. For all of you who are wondering, if I was being honest about my IM list …. I was being totally honest. The people who were deleted from it don’t read this blog anyway, so I don’t care if I am talking about it. They will just be IMing me some day with the latest gossip, or the latest Earth shattering crap in their lives, waiting for me to help fix it. They might be telling me why I should hate such n such, or telling me why I shouldn’t have so n so in my 360 list, because they aren’t “One of Us” as they usually say, and they will just think I am ignoring them. This, of course, is what I should have done in the first place though anyway. ;8o)