Sunday, September 18, 2005

Things You Learn From Your Son's Best Friend - Volume 1

A brief history to catch you all up before I proceed. I am NOT happy to be a father. It is honesty that forces me to remind everyone of this often. In all reality I was comfortable, to be married, and have children despite the fact that no man in his right mind would have chosen to breed with the woman I did, and in the end, she did exactly what everyone said she was going to. She up and left me while I was in the hospital as a result of Zoster Pneumonia. Facts are facts, and I for a while was very angry about the fact that, in my mind, she stole my 1 chance at being a happy father married to the mother of my children. The fact in the first place being that I created the children with her, due to my own irresponsibility, and it isn’t their fault. Facts are also that when I tried to get comfortable with being a single father, paying his child support, and seeing my children every other weekend, she ended up stealing that from me as well, by being a neglectful mother, and leaving my children in a position where two of them could have died. Fact is that as unhappy as I was to do it, I took custody of the children the minute I found out they were homeless, and after a lengthy custody battle that totally ruined me financially {because the Peoples Republic of Maine was terrified to lose another welfare recipient}, I am a single father of 3, and I do my best. End of that.

I am NOT a very good father, and I tell EVERYONE that. I can barely tolerate having three children alone, much less dealing with that HUGE age gap between the oldest GIRL {13}, the second oldest BOY {7}, and the baby GIRL {5}, which makes it all the worse. I can NOT keep them all entertained, and if there is a worse combination than what I have, then I have yet to see it. The only thing they actually like to do together is fight, argue, bicker, taunt, scream, and all of them try to monopolize my attention, while none of them are willing to share it. This is where the whole “Operation Get Daddy” mentality comes into play, as I also have to deal with all 3 birthdays within a month of each other, and none of them want to share that either. It absolutely ruins me financially, just in time for Christmas. Last year Lazius Boycrazius got the fancy party {Roller-skating with a bunch of giggling girls … yea!} and this year Captain ADHD has his {Bowling with a bunch of ADHD inflicted 7 year olds} and next year … oh hell .. Let’s get through this year. I do everything I can mentally, to hide all of this from the kids

I had to pick up Captain ADHD’s best friend “Evil Side Kick” or “ESK” for short, and the other 4 boys were being brought and dropped off by their parents. ESK is one of those really filthy stinking rich kids on the “other” side of town. Usually one of his parents picks Captain ADHD up and they go play at his house, so this was actually the first time, I had to go get him. I have lived in this area, on and off, for most of my life, and I actually got lost in that part of town, because I never belonged there. I do thank all of these people for paying all my property taxes for me, since their ½ percent of 10 million makes my ½ percent of 300,000 seem like nothing.. I had to pull up to a gate with an armed guard to pick him up, where he was brought out to me, by someone who looked like a nurse, but I found out was his Au Pair {fancy name for indentured servant, or slave who watches rich peoples children, while the parent’s do other things like work, vacation, or hang out in the other part of the mansion}, and that was who usually took care of Middle Evil, when he went over too. I got him, and his arms full of presents packed away in the Minivan, we were off.

Let the usual comedy of errors begin. I am surrounded by the entire Second Grade Cell of “Operation Get Daddy” after all of the parents drop their kids off, and the manager of the bowling alley tells me “We don’t have a reservation for you, would you like to get on this hour long waiting list?” and I controlled my temper despite the fact that I not only had a reservation, I had left a damn deposit! The deposit got rectified, but the wait did not. Parents know all about waiting an hour with ANY kids … much less 6 - 7 year olds raging with ADHD, and their fearless leader Captain ADHD at the helm with “Operation Get Daddy” business that needs to be taken care of. After an hour of sheer HELL keeping these vicious animals at bay, with a whip and a chair, we finally got our lane. I ordered the Pizza, and was told “The Bar is closed today for a wedding, so you can’t have food,” … again I held my composure, but had to say “There are people getting married in the bar of a Bowling Alley? I promise you this, on the next 4 or 5 marriages that I have, the Bowling Alley Bar Wedding, will NOT be ONE OF THEM!” … and I grabbed the 6 - 50 pound Mexican jumping beans and walked them outside, and over to the Sub Shop. 30 minutes later, 6 broken bottles, 1 overturned table, 4 exploding sodas {because you can’t give them to Mexican jumping beans}, 3 soda puddles I cleaned up, and 40 extra $$ out of my pocket we came back with the food. Go on, guess, cuz you know what happens next, as the manager comes over and says “You can’t bring outside food in here,” which got the response … “I can’t get inside food in here, and you might want us to eat this because I bet you gave OUR lane away!”

We sat behind our lane that he gave away, and ate our subs, since he obviously could tell, just by looking into my eyes, that I am a man at wits end. I did my best to clean up after the food fight, and a few of the mothers who were going through the same issues today, were graciously helping me out. Yes I am once again going to make the statement, that I always do at this point of any “Superdaddyman looking like an idiot in public” story … “Women need to stop thinking that a man who looks out of his element with children is something worth hitting on”, and perhaps I should carry around some cards that say that, for when they wonder if I have a phone. I should say what I am thinking “Sorry I don’t, they took it away when they found out I was that “heavy breathing” that was terrifying women all across the nation,” but knowing the way these things go, that might change me from the “oh lookie” type to the “marrying” type faster than money.

I finally made it out of that bowling alley, and I loaded up the van, I dropped all of the foot soldiers of “Operation Get Daddy” just as fast as I could with ESK being the last to go. The whole way to his 15 million dollar mansion, with the horses, and the real looking kids Porsches, and the playground bigger than the schools, he and Captain ADHD were desperately trying to get ESK to spend the night, come over for a while, come back tomorrow, absolutely anything to just keep ESK with us a little longer. I turned around to say to ESK, when we finally got to his driveway “Don’t you want to see your daddy?”, and he looked at me like he was going to cry “I don’t see my daddy, and if I see him, he doesn’t play with me like you,” was all he said, and his Au Pair came to the van to get him. I got out of the van, and before I could stop myself … It really was like a scene out of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, I said to the Au Pair “Can you get one of ESK’s parents to call me, so we can arrange a sleepover and some play dates?” this was only because “Operation Get Daddy” once again was a complete success, as I am sitting here typing this, the whole time with tears in my eyes for that poor little boy, from the filthy rich side of town. I guess I do a lot of peoples worth of “best“ sometimes. ;8o)